Azula wakes up screaming. When she’s not crying. Or feeling so afraid or so sad that she can’t make any sound and she just stays in the silent of the night, alone with herself. This is such an awful feeling. She used to love herself and her company. She loved being with her thoughts. She loved seeing her face in the mirror while putting on her makeup or styling her hair. She was so pretty and smart and witty and funny.
Now, she’s only an awful woman crying and screaming and feeling like pure shit at every moment of her existence. She deserves it. She’s well aware of it. But, still, it’s a terrible feeling. Guilt is the first step. Suki told her that. A really long time ago. They were both so young and had so many responsibilities. Such a fate. They met again at the Ember Island house. Zuko had personally asked the Kyoshi warrior to take care of his sister. Suki wasn’t pleased but she took the orders of her Fire Lord and the request of her friend.
The first months were awful. Azula was always crying in a corner or screaming. She was having terrible manic phases that no medication could help. Or she was feeling so down she’d try dreadful things. She was mostly off drugs. Because they overmedicated her at the mental health facility where she had been put. And it made her feel like pure shit all day long. Well, it’s not really true. They gave her so many pills she barely felt anything. She was just... Existing. Hardly. The emptiness within her only growing while her body was falling apart.
But the Ember Island house, the new doctors and the new guards was a fresh start. It was awful. It was a real nightmare. This huge house so empty made her feel so little and alone. But she soon learned to make abstraction of that. The Kyoshi Warriors and Fire nation guards appointed to her watch were almost invisible. Azula only talked with the nurses who came to see here every day. But then, she met Suki.
Well, once again, it’s not true. They have met before. And Azula had been horrible. They fought and she put her in a jail. But the Kyoshi warriors hold no grudge. Not really. She learned to be more carefree about her lost battles. It was one more story to add to her life. It was quite an interesting story, as it is. Escaping a high guarded prison would always make her look cool. And her friends found her even more reliable and strong after that. So she decided she wouldn’t hold a grudge. Because she was like that. Azula always found her nice. Even when they had to fight. It was her choice, yes. But she liked having her as an opponent. She was such a skilled and brave warrior. She appreciated the fight she gave her. And she was one of her most prized prisoners in a time where she still felt like the rightful heir of the Fire Nation. At at time where her life was even more an mess than now.
Because now, she wakes up every night. Crying, Screaming. Feeling so empty that every sound of the world would never be enough to fill up her lungs and allow her to let out a single sound. But now, she's not alone anymore. She has Suki. And when she gets up in their bed, the brunette never fail to get up with her. She cuddles her in her strong arms and say nothing. They both learned with time that words aren’t efficient. What would you tell to someone who’s fighting their demons even when they’re awake? It’s never bad dreams. It’s memories. And the guilt never leave her chest. She feels heavy every hour from every day. And she knows she’ll have to bear this weight for the rest of her life. It’s the reminder of what she did. Of all the terrible things she made.
Yes, she was only a child. She was so young... But it doesn’t excuse her actions. The abuse she was a victim of will never be a plea for what she did to others. Whether it be Zuko, Ty Lee, Aang or even Suki. She hurt them. They all know it. Some decided to forgive her. Some decided she didn’t deserve it. Since that day, she never saw Ty Lee and Mai ever again. But Zuko visits her once or twice a month. She got a visit from Aang and Katara one day. The latest was reluctant to see her but she finally gave in to her boyfriend’s request. The Avatar's request.
They didn’t say much, that afternoon. They walked along the sea and watched baby turtles emerge from the sand. It was nice. The sun wasn’t too bright in the sky and it allowed them to wear hats without feeling too hot. Ever since she lost her powers, Azula can’t deal with heat. Once, it was a part of her. But now, she’s always too cold or too hot. She always wear too much sweaters or not enough. But that’s okay. It’s part of her story. Just like Suki says all the time. There isn’t bad experiences. Only experiences that will make you feel bad. She’s not really convinced by it but her girlfriend loves this saying and she doesn’t like to contradict her. Because she’s so cute when she makes up wrong or false feel good phrases like that. Azula thinks she likes to feel like an old and witty mentor. But she’s only a young woman with a good brain. That’s what she says.
When Azula wakes up and she seems to not being capable of going back to sleep, she goes to her office. And here, she either writes her nightmare in the diary she keeps or either paints. She started making art a few years ago. At the hospital. It was a nice way to keep her mood up. At least for a while. It was really hard and the drugs didn’t help. But she never stopped making art. Paintings, drawings, sculptures... She loves it all. Sometimes, picking up a pencil is the only way for her to feel better. Or to feel anything at all. And sometimes, she can’t do a single thing for days. Or even weeks. She feels so bad, so weak, so strong, she feels too much and so empty at the same time and it’s so overwhelming that she can’t even get up. She stays in bed all day long. And she feels bad about it. Because she should be doing things. She shouldn’t be wasting her time. On those days, the guilt is heavier. It chokes her. Sometimes, she can’t speak. She can’t move. She just lay in bed, watching the ceiling. Suki is never far from her. She’s in the bed, in the room, in the house. Never further. If she calls, she’ll come right away. If she moves, she’ll be there in the second. It’s just like that with her.