Chasers of Stars

For James Potter, the Battle of the Bands and everything leading up to it, is the most important event of the year. Everything in his life revolves around it since they’ve been accepted into the competition. From the moment he opens his eyes in the morning to the time he closes them at night, his head is full of music. His thoughts are melodies and notes. He sees them dancing in front of him when he’s making breakfast or brushing his teeth. He’s never too far from his guitar or recorder in case of a sudden spur of inspiration.

He’s been living this way for years. Since the moment they decided to start a band. Him, Sirius, Remus and Peter. His bestest friends in the whole world. Their only dream was to pursue this together. The four of them. Unstoppable.

It all started when they met, at eleven, the first day in their new boarding school. James’ parents were working a lot and thought it would be a good thing for him to be around kids his age more. As a little boy who loved his mum and dad more than anything in the world, James hated this idea. Even if his two best friends, Peter Pettigrew and Marlene McKinnon were going with him as well. He couldn’t imagine spending more than a day away from his mum. That’s why he was crying ins her arms on the platform, refusing to let her go. At this moment, James wanted nothing more than going back inside of his mum’s womb. He wanted to be a baby once again. And Euphemia was gently patting his back, trying to work up the courage to let her baby boy go away. Fleamont, his dad, was looking at them with a funny smile. If he found them dramatical, he didn’t say so. Indulging his son and wife the much-needed hug.

At their side, Peter had already said goodbye to his mum and sister and was waiting on James with Marlene McKinnon, their other best friend. Peter was wearing his uniform backwards and had to drag his suitcase because he had broken the wheels the day before and he was too scared of his mum to tell her. He was a nice friend. A little bit shy sometimes but always ready to follow James in his games. And his silence meant he had a million thoughts and James always liked it when they spend hours talking about whatever was going on in his head. He found Peter really interesting!

On the other hand, Marlene was really loud and always ready to fight with James. That was their way to show they cared about each other. Her dad had the idea to send her away, too, and she hated him for it. So, standing next to Peter, pouting, she refused to say a single word to him. In fact, it had been a little over a month since she last had spoken to her dad. She didn’t care if she were to spend time with her two best friends. She didn’t want to leave her bedroom and her dog. Her dad had given up and was already gone back to his car.

When James had let go of his mum, Euphemia went and hugged the two other kids. Murmuring kind and reassuring words into their ears. Marlene started to smile again and they all helped Peter carrying his suitcase into the train. James was happy to have the nicest mum in the whole world and to be with his two best friends.

After that, they were looking for places to sit when they stumbled upon Remus Lupin. He was quiet and polite and James thought his jumper looked way too big and scratchy. He offered them to share his coach and they accepted with big smiles, already offering bits of their lunch to him. They learned that he liked to read and, for most of the trip, James asked him a lot about all the books he had read. They clicked quite instantly. Becoming friends even before arriving at the school. Remus was nice and funny and so, so smart! He told them his mum had decided to send him to the school because she couldn’t take care of him and his dad was always working. He was a little bit worried about letting her alone and James reassured him that she would be fine because he’d write her every day and she’d know he was doing alright. He had no idea if it was the truth but he felt it was something his mum would have said. And it was definitely something Remus needed to hear.

The last one they met was Sirius Black in their dorm. He shared a bunk bed with Peter and in James’ eyes he was the coolest person ever. With his long black hair, nice clothes and nonchalant smile. He looked just like the boys on TV. James instantly liked him. Five minutes after their first meeting, they already were the best mates ever. They liked the same music and sports. Sirius came from a rich family. All of his cousins were studying in the school, too. He lived in London and had a little brother whom he loved very much. And James knew they were destined to meet. Just like he was destined to meet Remus on the train and Peter at preschool. The four of them… It was destiny.

The summer before their fourth year, things started to change. Sirius came back to school with bruises on his body and more miserable than ever. It hurt to see him like this. So, to try and change his mind, James decided they would use all their free time for something useful. Remus had proposed studying and Peter wanted to plan their pranks more thoroughly. But James thought they needed something new. So, they started a band.

They were really, really bad. All they had was the school’s piano but they made it work. Sirius was thrilled by it. He loved music and was all about becoming the greatest rockstar ever. Peter discovered he liked to write songs. It was so easy for him because his mind was always full of thoughts. All he had to do was to put them on paper for James to sing. Remus, who had started learning drums two years prior, was happy to play more than silly rhythms on tables. James asked his parents to send him a guitar and they did. And just like that, their band was born.

Their first fans were Marlene and her new best friends, Mary Macdonald and Lily Evans. Marlene even proposed to teach Sirius how to play bass. It was happy times. James could even pretend he didn’t see the shadow in Sirius’ eyes every time his brother passed them in the hallways, always ignoring them. A year went by and they were becoming better each day.

A few weeks before the start of their fifth year, Sirius left his house and went to live at the Potter’s. All James knew at the time was that his parents were awful to him and he couldn’t take it anymore. He had spent sixteen years in this house and it was more than enough. James was thrilled to have his best friend always there, next to him, but he felt so sad every time he heard Sirius cry in his mum’s arms or shout in the night because of nightmares. He listened to him when he started to talk about what happened. He saw the sadness in his eyes when he spoke about his brother.

So he decided to brought the band from school and into the end of their summer. With his allowance, he bought Sirius his own bass and they spent every single day playing in his garage with Peter. Remus couldn’t come because he wanted to spend time with his mum so they spent him some songs they had specially written for him but also for Hope Lupin. When they all met again for the start of the school year, he hugged them and announced that they had a new fan. His mum loved the songs.

On the first night of their sixth year of boarding school they had their first show ever. It was horrendous. James forgot half of his lyrics, Peter played in the wrong key and Sirius was out of rhythm most of the time. Remus was good but he had more practice so it didn’t count. They were absolute shit but they never felt so ecstatic. James only had to share a look with them to know they were experiencing the same joy as him. It was perfect. It was their destiny. Music was the answer to all their problems.

He was sixteen and his friends were the centre of the universe.

In their last year of school, they decided they would do anything to make it big. They wanted to have a career and James was really confident in their success. They weren’t awkward teens anymore. They were becoming men. They talked about sharing a flat in London and buying better instruments. Peter had to go to college because his parents wanted him to. Sirius had inherited a lot of money from one of his uncles and dreamed about travelling in Europe. They spent most of their time writing songs and rehearsing only for their friends and families. Studying was in the back of their minds. They had no time for romance or pranks. Music was the most important thing in their hearts.

And now, eight years later, they’re ready to make it big. Finally! It’s their year, their moment. Their hard work is finally about to pay off. For the first time, they have been accepted into the Battle of Bands. A very select competition. The greatest event of all Britain’s underground scene. It’s all they needed to start their career. The winning price is a contract with one of the best labels of England. Remus could finally drop his shitty part-time job and Peter could stop his boring studies. They could make an album! Go on tours! See the whole world!
All of James’ dreams and hopes are becoming real. All they have to do is win and he’s certain they can do it. They’re the best.

***

“What do you mean you’re leaving us?” Sirius is shouting, getting up from where he was lazily curled up on the couch. He runs over to Peter, fake crying into his ears.

“I– I... I think it’s time... We... I mean, the songs... I’m not happy with them,” the younger boy struggles with his words, barely looking at his friends.

When Peter had said he wanted to tell them something this morning, James did not expect it was to announce that he’s quitting the band.

“Are you not happy with the songs or with us, Pete? Because we can work on one but we can’t do anything about the other,” James’ a little bit hurt but tries to not sound like it. To think that one of his best friends could abandon them when they are so close of making their dream come true... Doesn’t he have faith in them?

“It’s... Listen. I feel like the kind of music we make is not really what works with my lyrics,” he raises his hands, stopping Sirius from interrupting him. “I love you guys! I really do. But... Marls offered me to write songs for the Valkyries. And I think their sound would work better with my words.”

It makes sense. James hates that it makes sense. It’s not the first time they’re having this conversation. They often had to think about the best way to make Peter’s lyrics go with his melodies. Sure, their style changed over the years but they always made it work, so why did he decided to drop them now? James is sad but he doesn’t want Peter to stay only because of their feelings. He’s not selfish. And he can see it’s already hard enough for his friend.

“What? That’s complete bollocks, Pete! If you quit who will write our songs? You’re so selfish!” Sirius isn’t as kind and thoughtful as James and so he starts shouting again, vibrating with frustration and energy. He always struggled with his feelings and the way they make him act. It’s obvious that his sadness turned into something else. He’s speaking louder, moving his arms like a madman.

Remus finally gets up too and places a steady hand on Sirius’ shoulder, making him stop. “Pete, if you think it’s what you need then we can’t force you to stay. Not being part of the band doesn’t mean we have to stop being friends, though. You know that, right?” he offers him a warm smile and Peter seems to calm down immediately while Sirius stops rambling about how unfair it is. Remus’ words are always comforting for all of them.

“Thanks, Moony. I’m... I’m really sorry. But I’m sure you’ll figure it out. James has written songs before,” Peter tries to smooth things over with Sirius who answers with a sigh, “Yeah... I know. But I’ll miss you! No one makes rhymes like you! James’ lyrics are always so corny,” after the anger it’s bargaining. Sirius drops his arms around Peter’s neck and sighs once again.

“Hey! I’ll have you know that my mum and Hope absolutely love my lyrics!” James jumps on him, laughing. He’s as sad as him but one Sirius is enough. Peter doesn’t need the two of them crying in his arms.

“You’ll tell Marlene she can try and steal you all she wants, she’ll still lose the Battle! Tell her we’re better than them! The Valkyries have nothing on us!” Sirius starts shouting again, battling against James to stay clutched to poor Peter. This time, Remus literally drags him away from them.

“Sure, mate. I’ll tell her,” Peter offers his friend a shy smile and James hesitates a few seconds before drawing him into a tight hug, “Please, don’t forget us when you’re famous,” he whispers into his ear. He tries really hard not to cry.

At this, Peter scoffs a little and hugs him back, “As if I’d become famous before you, Prongs!”

They stay like this a few more seconds before parting. It hurts but James truly is happy for him. And he hopes things will be okay for his friend. He just wants them all to be satisfied with their art. That’s all. He’s a little bit dramatical but it’s not his fault. One of them is leaving! For the first time in thirteen years, they won’t be doing everything all together… They share smiles again and stop talking about it. After that, they decide to finish the tv show they started a few days before and none of them talk about what just happened. It’s tomorrow’s problem.

Waking up early has never been a problem for James Potter. He’s a morning person, after all. But today his motivation’s letting him down. His heart is still aching from Peter’s news even though it’s already been a few days. They helped him move his keyboard out of James’ spare room (even if he didn’t need any help) and he took all his belongings out of James’ flat. He forgot a pair of dirty socks but James won’t tell him ; he keeps them hidden in his nightstand as if it belongs to his husband who’s gone to war.

Remus also live there but these days he’s mostly staying at Sirius’. When his uncle Alphard died, he inherited a lot of money and a really nice flat in the centre of the city. It has only one bedroom, though. So, they can’t live in it all together. Usually, they use it for parties and come to James and Remus’ to work on their music. But since Peter quit, they decided to take a few days off. That’s why Remus is keeping company to Sirius.

James isn’t stupid, he knows they’re doing more than keeping each other company. But it’s not his business and they still haven’t decided to tell them so he acts dumb about it. It’s actually really funny to watch them slip and panic about silly things like pet names or holding hands. He’s not sure if any of their friends knows too or if he’s the only one. Peter never said anything about it and he’s not the most delicate person about private matters so he’s probably not aware that they’re in love. Or going out or whatever that they’re doing in their free time, at Sirius’ flat.

But when Remus isn’t there, their place seems weirdly empty and silent. Still laying on his bed, James listens for a noise or something but there’s only the familiar rumour of the street outside. He loves it. He always hated quietness. He was loud as a kid and is still loud today. Sounds means living. That’s probably why he loves music so much. It’s always filling his head with pretty melodies and ideas. He never feels alone when he’s singing because his songs are for the people he loves. So, when he sings, he’s thinking about his friends and his mum and his dad. And every single person he ever met that was nice to him.

Peter always tells him that he sucks at writing songs because he never sits with his own feelings. Because he only tries to make art for others. And that art should be for yourself first. But James isn’t sure it’s true. For him, music is something he gets to share with others. It wouldn’t have the same impact on him if it was only for himself. So, yeah. That’s why they never perform his songs. And why he only records and sends them to his mum and Remus’. They are his biggest fans. They love his silly songs about his friends and random things he loves. Hope’s favourite is the one he wrote about the vegetables he’s trying to grow on their balcony. His mum really likes the one where he lists all the people living in his building.

No need to say Peter hated them and Sirius definitely thought they weren’t rock’n’roll enough for them to perform. But he doesn’t care. Life is made of silly songs and happy tunes and good memories. He loves rock, too. But not as deeply as Sirius and Remus does. It doesn’t really matter when it comes to the band, though, because he loves to just perform and be with them. And their songs are fire. Sure, he works on the first drafts of melodies with Peter’s lyrics but then Sirius and Remus tell him what they could change. That’s why they sound the way they do and that’s why they’re so good at being a band. That’s also why Peter’s departure is breaking his heart more than it should.

Still laying in his bed, a new melody appears in his mind, rhythmed by the rain falling on his window. A song about lazy mornings he gets to enjoy. His motivation is back in an instant and he’s getting up, half naked, to get his guitar and recorder. He sings out loud so he doesn’t lose the melody and just press play before rambling, his fingers moving by themselves on the strings. A few minutes later, he has a bridge and two verses. Satisfied, he put down his guitar and smiles. Another song that they won’t use because it’s silly and corny but he still likes it, nonetheless. Maybe, in a few years, they’ll come back to them and make a special EP full of his stupid songs.

***

A week after Peter’s departure, they decided to start rehearsing again. But now that they’re sitting in the spare room, trying to play something, they’re realizing they won’t go far without lyrics for their songs. They can make it work without a keyboard, even if it takes away some of their familiar sound but they can’t do anything without lyrics. And the first rule of the Battle of the Bands is that the songs presented for the competition must been written by members of the group.

“What about that song you wrote?” asks Sirius, propped against Remus’ bass drum, his own instrument resting on his lap. “You know, the one about your mum’s childhood cat or dog or whatever…”

“It was a guinea pig and you told me it was shite because I made pig rhyme with milk,” retorted James, gently strumming on his guitar.

“Oh yeah, no. This one was, like, really bad,” Remus laughs loudly, shaking his head. He’s seated behind his drum set and taps lightly on the snare drums. The sound is soothing and it goes with James’ strumming.

“You don’t understand art!” he tries to sound pissed but he has to admit, it was a really bad song. “If you want good songs so badly you can always write them!”

“Oh no. No one wants to hear another song about Sirius’ dreams of fame,” Remus’ voice is full of sarcasm but a tender smile is painted on his face.

“As if someone is interested in listening to your fucking hyperboles or whatever!” Sirius cries back, standing up to make eye contact with him. And just like that, they start bickering, drifting into their own world. When they do that, it feels like no one can bring them back to earth. And James is kinda sad that Peter isn’t there anymore to roll his eyes at them and laugh with him. He really misses his friend...

He's about to get up to let them have their moment in peace when the doorbell rings, making their three heads turn around with surprised looks. They weren’t waiting on anyone. Is it Peter coming back already? Or maybe one of their neighbours? None of their friends would come here as they usually hang out at Sirius’. He goes up to the door, followed quickly by Sirius and Remus. They stopped arguing but he saw them briefly holding hands before stepping out of the room.

When he opens the door, he’s even more surprised. Because, of all the people in the whole world, he wasn’t expecting to see Regulus Black on the landing. It’s been years, to be honest, since the last time he saw his best friend’s little brother. He can’t even recall when it was. He just knows that the last time, Regulus was still smaller than him. And his hair was shorter. Now, he’s almost as tall as Sirius. And his black hair is pushed back, in a little bun on his neck. His neck where he sees what seems to be hickeys. Well, Regulus isn’t twelve anymore. But, just like before, he doesn’t pay any attention to him and directly speaks to his brother. Ignoring James is an habit of him.

“Sirius, what the hell? Why don’t you answer your texts?” his voice has also changed. It’s deeper than before but still with this little rasp that they used to make fun of. James can’t help but smile while stepping out his way so Regulus can come in. The younger Black is still scolding his brother for something that James isn’t aware of.

“Oh fuck, Reg, I’m sorry! I forgot it was today! I swear I thought you’d arrive tomorrow! We were rehearsing and I don’t keep my phone on me,” Sirius immediately starts making excuses for himself. James wants to laugh because he knows he’s lying. Sirius always has his phone at hand, especially when they’re rehearsing. He loves to film their sessions or record stuff. And Regulus knows it too, or so it seems. Because he’s sighing and rolling his eyes.

“Hi, Regulus. Did you have a good trip? You seem well,” interrupts Remus, not letting the two brothers get into a bigger fight. He’s as polite as ever and it seems to soothe Regulus who finally acknowledges him and James. James who has no idea of why his friend’s brother is even here to start with. So, he asks.

“Am I missing something or is it normal that I’m the only one who didn’t know about Regulus coming here? Like… Was it supposed to be a surprise? I love surprises but last I heard you two weren’t even on speaking terms.”

“Why would it be a surprise for you?” Regulus asks at the same time Sirius answers, “Mate, we talked about it last week! Reggie is staying here with us!”

“Oh. I absolutely forgot,” James really doesn’t remember even talking about it. “Was it before or after Peter left us?”

“Pettigrew left you?” at this, Regulus seemed genuinely surprised. So, Sirius hadn’t told him yet? At least James’ not the only one being kept in the dark there.

“Uh, yeah. Pretty shitty week, to be honest. Sorry Reg,” Sirius offers a smile at his brother and gestures to follow him into the living room. That’s when James sees the two big suitcases left on the landing. Him and Remus take one each and follow the others back inside.

Regulus sit on the couch and James leans in the armchair while Remus goes to make them a pot of coffee. Sirius goes with him, probably to search for snacks. That’s when James realizes their place is messy. Like, really messy. There are old plates on the coffee table and dirty clothes on the floor. A weird stain appeared on the ceiling three months ago and keeps on growing each day. He catches Regulus looking around the room and feels a little shameful of its state. Especially because Regulus is so prim and proper with his nice shirt and clean pants. His shoes even shine! While James is wearing a holed t-shirt and old pyjama bottoms. He didn’t even brush his hair this morning and can’t imagine how he must look right now. He pushes his glasses up on his nose and sigh.

“So… Uh… You’re staying in London?” he asks awkwardly, trying to sound not so aware of the current state of their flat. He must have failed because he sees a little smirk spring on Regulus’ lips.

“Yes. I have… Things to do here. I asked Sirius if I could stay at his place last month and he told me it was okay. But he gave me this address. And this isn’t his place,” he looks right into James’ eyes before dragging his glance to the poster on the wall. It’s an old poster of his mum’s favourite Bollywood movie. It takes a good chunk of their wall and is perfect to hide the hole they made once when they were drunk.

“What? Why would he give you our address instead of his?” James is really lost. He doesn’t understand anything about the situation and it’s frustrating.

“Because I thought he could stay with you,” answers Sirius, coming back with a plate full of cookies in one hand and two mugs in the other. He’s followed by Remus with the two other mugs.

“We only have one spare room and it’s our rehearsing space!” James takes his mug and a cookie and looks at his best friend who sits directly on the floor, next to the couch.

“Remus said he could sleep on my couch in the meantime. Reg can have his room,” explains Sirius as if it’s the most logical thing in the world.

James is about to say that Remus shouldn’t be the one to let his room because it’s not fair and it should be Sirius sleeping on his couch while Regulus takes his bed when he finally understands. No one is going to sleep on Sirius’ couch. Because they’re using it as an excuse to sleep together. They’re shameless! Acting as if it’s a flawless plan when it’s the most stupid idea ever. He’s going to object, just for the principle, but Regulus is quicker.

“You’re telling me I’ll have to share a flat with Potter?” he seems to really hate this idea and James is a little bit hurt by this. It’s not like they’re friends but he never thought that Regulus hated him that much!

“Yes? I don’t see the problem,” says Sirius like his brother is an idiot. “Remus’ bedroom is the biggest room of the flat. And you won’t even see James because we’ll be rehearsing at my flat!”

This is even stupider. Because if they move their stuff to Sirius’ place then Remus doesn’t have to move. They could lend the spare room to Regulus. At this point, James is really struggling. He wants to laugh but is also stunned by Sirius’ lies. Remus seems to feel the same way because he finally speaks.

“You actually don’t have the space for all of our stuff at your place, Pads. So, we’ll still have to rehearse here. But I assure you I don’t mind sleeping on Sirius’ couch. It’s more comfortable than my bed anyway,” he smiles politely to Regulus once again and then glance to Sirius who seems to realize the flaws in his plan.

“Well, it doesn’t matter as long as I have somewhere to sleep,” Regulus finally answers. He looks annoyed and rolls his eyes when Sirius starts smiling.

“Neat! Then come, I’ll show you the room!” he gets up and is followed by his brother. They leave the room and a few seconds before James starts laughing. He can’t hold in any longer everything is so absurd!

“What the heck was that Moony?” he shakes his head, still laughing. Remus seems not certain of what he’s talking about so he adds, “Since when are they talking again?”

“Oh, Regulus and Sirius? Well, they started texting a few months ago, I think. I’m not sure but I think Regulus sent him a message because he needed something and since… Sirius didn’t let him disappear out of his sight again.”

“And no one told me? I’m hurt!” he places his hands on his heart and falls back into the cushions of the armchair.

“I really thought Sirius had told you. It must have slipped his mind,” Remus takes a sip of his coffee and smiles at him.

James doesn’t care about their secret romance or the lies but he hates to know that Sirius has stuff he talks about with Remus and not him. Especially this kind of stuff. Everything related to the Black family was their thing, in a way. Sirius always told him when he had problems with his brother or cousins. Or even with his parents. When his nightmares about his mother came back or when he started to think too much about his dad. But then, Remus probably understood him way better. He, too, has a complicated relationship with his family after all. James can’t compare. And he shouldn’t. He scolds himself. He knows that jealousy is an ugly feeling. His friends are allowed to have secrets. Especially when they’re dating. He shouldn’t feel sad because they decided to not tell him stuff. Sirius probably forgot to tell him, anyway. It’s not a big deal.

It’s not a big deal until it is. Because, when Sirius comes back into the room, he’s smiling like a kid on Christmas morning. And James realizes it’s way more than just talking to Regulus again. It seems important. So why didn’t he tell him? In fact, Sirius seems so happy to be standing in the same space as his brother again that he says something absolutely crazy.

“You know what? We should ask Reg to write our songs!” his smile is bright and proud. And James feels like he just stepped into another dimension. Where is the way home? And how can he find his real friends? Because there’s no way his Sirius just suggested they ask his little brother to join their band. No way. No fucking way.

James never had any problem with Regulus. Quite the contrary! For the sixth years they shared a brother and a school, he always tried to befriend him. But was never successful. Regulus Black is so tenacious and stubborn... In James’ mind, he’s like a little hedgehog. He doesn’t let anyone approach him. Not even James who, in his own opinion, is one of the best friends one could ever wish for.

In six years, James offered five birthday gifts to Regulus. And five Christmas gifts. There were four books he thought he’d like, two pair of funny socks that made him laugh, a pretty ring in the shape of a snake because it made him think of him, a handmade scarf from his mum and a Walkman for his tapes. And not a single time Regulus thanked him. But James didn’t give up.

In six years, he greeted him more than two thousand times in the hallways and at dinner. And Regulus didn’t answer. Not even once. Always looking away, acting as if he didn’t exist.

In six years, James invited him to seven of their shows. Regulus never showed up. Not even once. Not even for his brother.

So, after six years of trying and never succeeding, James just decided to let it go. Sirius thought it was for the best and he agreed. They weren’t in the same place anymore and he wouldn’t go out of his way for nothing. Not again. Regulus wasn’t even talking to his brother so why would he be acting differently with James? They had never even been anything. Not acquaintances. Nothing.

And, just like that, Regulus became kind of a childhood memory. A bittersweet one.

Of course, he was still Sirius’ brother so they talked about it sometimes. But it was mainly because of their parents and how they acted in the past. Not him. Sirius rarely mentioned him except when he was drunk and sad and started crying because he missed his baby brother. And every time, James held him tight. He was more a brother to him than Regulus had been in years.

So, yeah, seeing Regulus on his landing, learning they would have to live together and that Sirius wanted him to join their band… It’s surprising to say the least. That’s why, at first, James thinks it’s a joke. Because it must be, right? But when he starts laughing and sees he’s the only one, he quickly stops. Remus looks a little bit embarrassed and Sirius frowns.

“What, you’re serious?” James asks, looking right at his best friend.

“Well… Yeah? Reg loves to write! And he can play the piano. He’s perfect.”

“It’s… We don’t know him! What if his style doesn’t work with ours? I’m sorry but he doesn’t seem like a rock person,” James argues and he doesn’t know why he’s so reticent. After all, Sirius is right. Regulus is exactly what they need at the moment. But the band… It’s theirs! It’s personal! He’s not sure he wants an outsider joining them. Especially not after Peter’s departure… Also, it’s Regulus Black for fuck’s sake!

“I’ll have you know that I love rock,” says Regulus dryly, stepping back into the room. The shadow of a smirk pass upon his lips but not long enough for James to be sure he’s not just imagining it.

Great. Now it feels even more awkward than before. Holding back a sigh, James tries to smile to the younger boy, “I- I’m sure you do! But… Do you even want to be part of the band?”

“Why wouldn’t I?” Regulus snaps back and James doesn’t understand why it feels as if he’s mad at him. He never did anything to him! Why does Regulus seems so on edge with him?

“Well, you never seemed really interested in it, back at school. I always thought music wasn’t your thing,” he glances over to Remus and Sirius for help but they both seem to enjoy their exchange, smiling in a way he doesn’t understand. He’s lost and they’re laughing!

“No. Being part of your little popularity show wasn’t my thing. But I wouldn’t mind helping my brother if he needed me. I’m in debt, after all. And I read your lyrics. You suck at writing,” this time, he offers him a real smile. But it rubs James in the wrong way.

He’s not sure what the debt thing is supposed to be about but the comment about his writing and the smile makes him stand right up. He feels like it’s a blow to his honour. But it’s mostly about his ego. “My mum loves my songs! And Remus’ mum too!”

“That’s literally the worst argument ever. And I’m sure your mum would prefer my songs, anyway.”

“Have you even every written a song before?”

“No. But it’s probably not that hard to be better than you,”he offers him another smile, a mean one, and James feels delirious. What is happening? Why is he fighting about song writing with Regulus Black? He turns once again to his friends for help but realizes they’re not here anymore. He sighs loudly and takes his coffee before leaving the room, deciding to stop feeding Regulus’ fire. He seems really amused by his reaction and it’s annoying. James decides he doesn’t care. He’s full of energy and needs to strum the strings of his guitar. Or just to occupy his hands, really. Their stupid little argument made him restless.

It’s not until he’s seated on the floor and picking up his guitar that he realizes Regulus followed him. He’s propped against the doorframe and watches him, his gaze piercing and his arms crossed on his chest. James rolls his eyes and focuses on what he’s gonna play. He decides on one of their original songs. His favourite. He helped Peter writing it a little. It’s a song about the four of them. How they met and how their friendship is the best thing that ever happened to them. He truly loves it.

“We met on a train to nowhere. So young and unaware. We didn’t know what would happen but I was sure you’d be here,” he sings softly, smiling. A flood of good memories from their childhood coming back to him. His body eases up and he sings a little bit louder. Happier than a few minutes prior.

He’s in the middle of the second verse when he remembers Regulus. He’s still observing him from the door but seems more relaxed than before. When their eyes meet, he raises an eyebrow and starts smiling again. James can’t really explain why but his smile gets on his nerve. It makes the pit of his stomach boils with annoyance.

“Did you write this song?” Regulus asks, finally stepping into the room. He sits in front of the desk forcing James to turn around.

“Uh, no. Peter did, mostly,” he tries to sound cold and distant but he’s not really good at it. His voice comes out weak. He wants to bang his head on the wall.

“Yeah, figured so. It’s a good song,” Regulus smirks and grabs a pen, writing something on a blank page laying there. “Here, sing that,” he prompts, handing the paper to him.

James takes it and read what’s written before a laugh escape from his lips. The little… He’s unbelievable! There’s nothing on the sheet except for three words in pretty cursive. James Potter sucks. Why is his handwriting so neat?

“What? Are you twelve or something?” he crumples the paper and shoots it in the bin, making a perfect throw. His basketball years weren’t for nothing. At that, Regulus only raises his shoulders. He stands up and walk around the room, observing the decorations on the walls.

“Why are you even there?” James asks after a moment of silent. Regulus doesn’t stop snooping around but turns his head over his shoulder to throw a glance at him.

“In London, in your flat or in your… Spare room?”

“Well, I already know why you’re in my flat so why are you doing in London? Weren’t you supposed to be studying in some fancy school in France?” he propped himself on his guitar and continues watching him, trying to look mean but probably failing at that too.

“I was,” Regulus says but his voice is softer than before as his fingers gently brush against Sirius’ bass. He doesn’t add anything and James starts to think it’s pointless to even have a conversation with him so he doesn’t try anymore.

He starts playing again, trying to work on a new song. One that Peter left unfinished. He told them they could still use the few lyrics he already had for it. But James isn’t sure he wants to. It would make him feel sad anytime he’d play it. So, he decided to start from scratch but still with the same melody. It’s a good one, Remus thought so.

James’ surprised when Regulus starts humming along the notes he’s playing. He tries not to stop and just play the loop so he can have an idea of the whole song. He’s still not sure about Regulus joining the band but he likes the way he sounds even without singing.

“Hey! Did you start rehearsing without us?” interrupts Sirius, entering the room in a loud fashion. His hair’s dishevelled and his lips are red. It’s as if they’re not even trying to hide it anymore…

“No. James was just showing me how bad he is at song writing,”Regulus smirks and goes back to the desk, sitting on top of it this time.

“What? You didn’t even hear a single song I made!” James’ ego can’t take it anymore. He’s so annoyed even though he rarely is! Why does he find Regulus so… irritating?

Remus finally returns too and he smiles at James before sitting back behind his drum set. He’s better put-together than Sirius but his shirt is badly buttoned. James wants to roll his eyes but he smiles back instead.

“It’s okay, Prongs. Why don’t we play the song you showed us this morning? I liked the lyrics. It’s a nice one.”

As always, Remus soothes him and James nods in agreement. It’s not totally fleshed out but all they’re missing are lyrics so he can try the new ones he wrote while Remus and Sirius practice the instrumental. He gets up and exchange his acoustic guitar for the electric one while Sirius come stands beside him. His microphone is mounted on a makeshift stand and his lyrics are taped just under it so he can read them while singing. It’s not the best setup but it works for him so he haven’t changed it yet.

Remus gives them the tempo by tapping his drumsticks and they start, performing for Regulus. James does his best to ignore him and focuses on the lyrics in front of him. When he starts singing the world disappears. It’s by far not the best song ever written but he quite likes it. He could even be proud of it. It’s easy to sing and he likes the way the words just flow naturally. They’re on the second verse when Regulus comes stand beside him and starts singing the lyrics with him. He’s far from the microphone so no one can really hear him except for James. And he likes what he’s hearing.

“Between all the moons and suns. You’re the brightest star tonight. You look at me and I wanna kiss you out of spite. I hate you, I love you. I don’t know what to do. You fill my heart with feelings. It’s like drowning.”

Regulus’ voice is different from his. He definitely lacks technique and training but it adds something nice to it. The rasp is still there even when he sings. And his French accent comes out a little on certain words. James has to admit it’s charming. He kinda likes how their voices work together, too. He moves a little so Regulus can see the lyrics better and sing into the microphone. But he keeps singing quietly, just for James and himself.

When the song ends, Sirius beams at his brother and Remus seems happy with how they sound. James looks at Regulus to know what he thinks of his lyrics.

“I must admit this song isn’t that bad. Maybe you don’t need me, after all,” his annoying smile is back but James feels less irritated by it. He even starts smiling himself.

“But Reg! We still need someone to play the keyboard!” Sirius whines a little, looking at his brother with puppy eyes and a pout.

“Like I said, I’m in your debt. So, if you really want me to join you for the Battle of the Bands, I don’t mind. But I won’t sign any contract whatsoever. What comes after the contest does not concern me. Are we clear?” he tries to sound harsh but they all can hear the smile in the corners of his mouth. James really needs to have a talk with Sirius to know all about their relationship!

“Yes! You’re the best, Reggie!” Sirius shouts and jumps in the air, not minding the little space he has nor the bass still hanging around him. They all look at him with fondness in their eyes. It’s a room full of people who love him dearly.

***

Sharing his living space with Regulus Black is a nightmare. Not because he’s messy or taking too much place, quite the contrary. He is way too tidy for him. Like he would be if he was living in a covent or something like that. James hates that. He hates the way Regulus always put their shoes back on the rack in the entryway. Or when he goes somewhere after him and, just, clean everything. Even things that don’t need to be put away. It’s starting to get on his nerves. It’s just… It gives him the impression of being disgusting, sometimes. Like he can’t let a half empty cup of coffee to drink for later because Regulus will just put it away and roll his eyes while doing so. But James wanted to finish it! He had let it on the table for this! Drinking it later! Ugh… Is it bad that he likes cold coffee? Or, sometimes, he’ll see Regulus avoid sitting on the couch next to him only because he ate and there are still some crumbs left. He’s ridiculous!
It’s only been three days since Regulus took Remus’ place and James is already done with him. And he can’t even complain to his friends because Sirius is just so happy to get to spend time with his brother and Remus seems glad to see his boyfriend this way. So, he says nothing and grits his teeth.

He didn’t even get the chance to ask Sirius what had happened between him and his brother because Regulus is always at his side. Like a dog! And when it’s not him, it’s Remus. Whom he loves dearly but if he could step out and take Regulus with him just for a few moments, he would be glad. So, he still doesn’t know why Regulus is there. And it’s not even like Regulus actually helped them with their songs since he’s arrived. All he does is criticizing James’ attempts at lyrics. It makes him mad. Because he feels like everything he writes is bad. Even the silly little songs he makes only for himself.

He tried to write one this morning. A song about a bird he saw on the balcony. It was a really, really pretty bird with red feathers. It made him think of Lily. He wanted to write a little tune to sing for him if he ever got to see it again. But when he went inside to get his guitar and recorder, Regulus was already in the spare room. It wasn’t even seven and he was already dressed and looking as if he had a modelling appointment in the afternoon. It pissed James off to see him in his space and the little tune was lost to his vexation.
Instead of the bird, he wrote a song about Regulus’ annoying habits. At least, it helped him to cool down.

Now, a few hours later, they’re both sitting at the desk. Remus has work today and Sirius texted them saying he’d be late. So, naturally, James suggested they try to work on a new song. Regulus accepted and he’s now flipping through the pages of a notebook, seemingly searching for something.

“Is that, like, your diary or something?” James asks, a little bored of waiting on him. He’s been playing with a pen, absentmindedly making it turn in his hands.

“No. It’s a journal. I write my ideas in it,” Regulus answers, not even bothering to look at him.

“Oh, so you’re really a writer? I thought Sirius was joking about that! That’s cool! What do you write about?” he’s thrilled because it’s the first time in three days that Regulus is speaking without making him feel like an idiot. They’re making progress!

“Love, mostly,” he says, finally raising his head and making eye contact with him. They’re slightly narrowed but not in a mean way. He seems thoughtful. James notes the colour isn’t the same shade of blue as Sirius’ but more of a green one. It goes well with his skin tone. His fingers stopped moving and are stuck between two pages. He probably found what he was searching for.

James can’t help but let out a laugh at his answer. “You’re fucking with me! Love, really?”

“Why is it so surprising to you, Potter? I can’t write about love?”

“Well… You can! I just never imagined you as the romance type, you know?”he tries to offer him a smile but Regulus’ face is blank.

“Why are you still acting as if you know me when you clearly don’t?” his voice is colder than it was before and, at that, James flinches a little. What did he do again?

“Why are you always being mad at me for trying to know you? I literally spent years reaching out and you never even acknowledged me! I’m not acting like I know you. I’m just having an idea of you based on how you behaved for six years!”he’s so pissed he gets up, dropping the pen on the desk, and crosses his arms on his chest.

“Well, Potter, you’ll learn that people change. We’re not kids anymore but you’re still hung up on how I was years ago. You’re being preposterous.”

“And you’re being an arse!” he’s done. He can’t do this anymore. He can’t stand him. Not when he’s talking to him as if he’s an idiot. So, yeah, he acts a little bit like a child when he just leaves the room, slamming the door on his way out. But he thinks he deserved it for putting up with Regulus Black’s bullshit for three days and six years.

Regulus Black always loved his brother. All the memories of his childhood are made of bits and pieces of him. Looking up at Sirius and seeing the love in his eyes when he looked back. When he was little, he thought Sirius would always protect him from the world. From Bellatrix’ harsh games. From Narcissa’s tight hugs. From their dad’s punishments. From their mum’s cruelty. He was supposed to be his shield.

Then Sirius was sent away. To the same boarding school all their family attended. He let him alone in a house too big. Alone with their parents. Alone with himself. It wasn’t his fault and Regulus never wanted to hold it against him but when Sirius came back for Christmas, he realized his brother wasn’t the same anymore. His smile was brighter. He seemed happier, less worried, and he was eager to go back at school. Far from him. For two weeks straight, all he talked about was his new school and his friends. He rambled constantly about James Potter. The coolest boy ever, as he put it. He had known him for less than six months but, to Regulus, it looked as if Sirius’ whole universe had shifted.

He felt like Copernic figuring out that the earth and the moon were revolving around the Sun and not the opposite. And the harsh truth was that he wasn’t Sirius’ sun. Not even his moon. He was just a star alongside him. Watching from afar but never able to reach. It hurt. When Sirius went back to school after the holidays, he spent a week straight crying in his bed. No one cared about it. His tears were lost to his loneliness. A well-kept secret between him and his heart.

For years, Regulus didn’t realize there was a distinction between his parents and him in Sirius’ eyes. It was too late when he understood it wasn’t from him that Sirius was running away. It hurt but he was at peace with it. As long as his brother could continue to be happy. But his peace had the taste of betrayal in his mouth. All he ever did for Sirius was left unused and wasted. Regulus loved him unconditionally but that meant all the anger in his heart had to go elsewhere. He couldn’t hold a grudge against his brother. And would never be able to hate his parents.

On the other hand, James Potter was the easiest person in the world to hate.

First and foremost, he had stolen his brother. It was enough. For a little boy, it was more than enough. But as he grew up, Regulus found plenty of other reasons. It wasn’t difficult. James was loud and annoying. He bothered girls in the hallways. He always insisted on taking off his jersey when winning his basketball matches. He always crashing is swim meets with Sirius whenever he could. He constantly needed people’s attention on him. He sent him gifts for his birthday. And for Christmas. He tried to become his friend. He never let him enter the dining hall without greeting him from afar, loudly.
For that and a thousand other little things he did while they were going to the same school, Regulus found it easy to hate him. So easy, in fact, that he never realized he had stopped doing it. Not until way later. When he rang on his doorbell and saw him opening his door with a surprised look on his face.

Feelings are weird. Anger, sadness, disgust, fear, joy, love. Regulus never really understood any of these. He thought he hated his brother for years before realizing he was just missing what they used to share. He thought he loved his mum and dad but it turned out he was just craving their approval. He thought he was in love with Pandora Rosier until he realized he would never like her or any other girl for that matter. He thought James Potter was the most insufferable person in the whole universe until he met him again.

He started talking to Sirius again because he needed him. He needed his brother back so he put all his pride and shame aside and reached out. It was a single text. A simple question. But Sirius answered even before he could think of deleting it. He was so, so eager to keep in touch… It was a little bit overwhelming, at first. Regulus didn’t know what to do with all this attention and brotherly love. He hadn’t experienced it in years. But he didn’t back away like he would have done when they were younger. Not now that he knew how it felt to not have a brother anymore. So, he gave in. He explained the situation to him and Sirius was thrilled to help. Suggesting he’d come to London, move in with him for a while. A break was well needed so Regulus agreed. He arranged things, packed his bags and booked a train.

Sirius had given him this address and Regulus never thought to ask if it was his. He never thought his own brother would made him stay anywhere else than his own place. But he had forgotten that Sirius was kind of silly when he wanted. Silly and stupid. He had forgotten a lot of stuff about his brother. Speaking again, rediscovering him was something he really needed in his life. So, he decided to put up with his antics. If Sirius wanted to share his flat with his secret boyfriend or whatever they were, it was okay with him. As long as he’d get to spend time with him. This way, he could even act like what happened in Paris wasn’t real. It was perfect.

But yeah. James Potter wasn’t in the plan. Loud and obnoxious James who walks around the flat half naked all the time and seems to have never heard about hairbrushes. James who gets up in the middle of the night to play a little melody on his guitar before going back to bed. James who calls his mother for an hour every day without exception. James whom he can’t help but tease because he likes the spark in his eyes. Oh, how he loves getting on his nerves. It’s a payback for these school years they shared. For the gifts and the attention. For all the things he did to his heart when even himself couldn’t understand it. James is a pain in the ass. James is the loveliest person he ever met.

He loves that he’s a morning person just like him. And he hates how he only drink half of his coffees and let the cups lay around the kitchen. He loves his smile. He hates finding dirty socks scattered everywhere around the flat. He loves, oh he loves, when he’s singing. Just for himself. Strumming stupid songs on his guitar. He even heard him making one about how annoying he found him. The melody is still playing in his head.

“Stupid Regulus with his name rhyming with calculus. Stupid Reggie who does only ate veggies. Stupid Reg who acts older than his age.”

It might be the worst lyrics ever written. But he likes them. Because James knows he’s vegetarian. And he thought about it enough to find a rhyme with his name. Oh, he knows he’s deep in it but he doesn’t mind. There’s not hurt in indulging his little puppy crush a little space in his heart. Not when he knows James will never reciprocate. So, yeah, it’s okay to tease and play with him. It’s so funny.

It’s far less fun when James lashes out on him and starts shouting and calling him names. What, the king of pranks can’t take a joke anymore? If anything, Regulus should be the one who’s mad! James was being annoying. Saying he wasn’t the romantic type without even knowing him… But no. He’s past the whole hating James Potter thing. So, after fifteen minutes or so of inner debate, he gets up and goes after him. He knows better than anyone that if he doesn’t fix it now, things won’t mend themselves. And he’s probably gone a little bit far with the teasing if it got James to actually shout at him…

He doesn’t find him in the living room nor out on the balcony. He’s not in the kitchen and didn’t lock himself in the bathroom so Regulus deducts he’s in his bedroom. He stops at the door, suddenly unsure. What if he really went too far? What if James doesn’t want him in the band or in his flat? What if he’s so mad at him he decides to never speak to him ever again? No. No way. James isn’t the type to hold grudges. He’s been observing him for years. He saw him mad only once and it was for Lily Evans’ sake…

He knocks two times on the door, waiting for a response. When he doesn’t get any, he decides to knock again. This time, speaking.

“James? Can we talk?”

There’s a moment of silence then shuffling, a thump, a groan and then the door opens on James. He doesn’t look different from fifteen minutes ago except that he’s not wearing a t-shirt anymore. Why does he insist on being half-naked all the time? He bites a smile and focuses on James’ face instead of his exceptionally well-built torso.

“I’m sorr—” he starts but gets interrupted by James.

“Listen, I’m sorry! I know I shouldn’t have called you an arse and shouted at you. But… you’re kind of being an arse! You keep getting on my nerves and I can’t take it anymore. You keep criticizing my lyrics and my songs and everything you do is pissing me off and I know you’re Sirius’ brother so we ought to get along, at least for his sake, but I’m not sure we can be friends. It’s like… You shut me out for years and now you’re acting as if you’re so much better than me and all-mighty and, and it’s making me, like, really mad! And I’m never mad! I’m not an anger type of person! I hate conflicts and I hate being angry and I hate that you make me feel like that! And I don’t even understand why I feel this way! Ugh! I’m so… So pissed right now! You never tried to even acknowledge me for years! You never said thank you for the gifts! You never showed up at our shows even though we invited you! You’re selfish and annoying and even if I’m glad that you’re here for Sirius I’m not sure I can really trust that you won’t hurt him again…”

Regulus is speechless. He looks at James who’s a mess, truly. Out of breath, shaking all over, his hands ruffling through his unkept hair, his glasses down the bridge of his nose and his eyes a little bit red-rimmed. Has he been crying? Oh fuck. He can’t deal with a crying James. He can’t keep looking at him because he can’t stop imagining him with tears rolling down his face. His pretty, pretty face. Ugh.

“I’m sorry,” he repeats, just loud enough to get his attention. James stops fidgeting and looks at him. He pushes his glasses up. His gaze makes Regulus shifts on his feet and he looks away, into the room behind him. He notices the mess but also all the pictures on the wall. There’s a lot of postcards. All coming from different cities and parts of the world. And there’s even more pics of James. Happy moments with his family and his friends. He smiles brightly in all of them and it makes Regulus feel even more guilty. He made him cry. He’s a monster.

“I didn’t know it made you so uncomfortable. It wasn’t my intention to make you feel less than you are. I swear I won’t hurt Sirius. Please, trust me. I… I just wanted to get back at you.”

“Back at me?” James seems appalled by this. As if he never did anything wrong in his life. It’s not true but he probably doesn’t view the world in the same way Regulus does so he can’t blame him for being so clueless.

“Well, you sort of stole my brother from me. Then you spent years bothering me when all I wanted was to be left alone. I’ll have you know that you were really annoying between the ages of twelve and eighteen. I didn’t want to be friends with you because everyone else was. But we were just kids, back then. I was a snob and you were a prick. So what do you say of starting over? For Sirius and the contest’s sake?” he smiles and holds out his hand for him to shake.

James takes a good look at him and his expression is quite unreadable. Regulus is almost sure he won’t take his hand when James reaches out and squeeze his palm against his. His fingers are calloused and he likes the way his skin feels against his. His hand is slightly bigger than his, too. It’s lovely. He wonders what James thinks of him. Does he love the way their fingers overlap?

“Okay. Deal. For Sirius and the Battle,” he says, very seriously. He goes to remove his hand but Regulus tighten his grip.

“Hello, I’m Regulus Black. Enchanted to meet you.”

“Uh. Hi? James Potter. Nice to meet you, too.”

They both stand awkwardly for a few seconds before James starts laughing. He finally withdraw his hand and ruffles his hair once again. Regulus feels lighter and his smile widen a bit. The storm has passed and they’re turning on a new leaf. Hopefully, it means Regulus will get to hear more of James’ playful laugh because, god, he loves it so much.

“So… Love, was it?” James says after a beat and Regulus’ heart skip a beat but he doesn’t let him say anything before adding, “You said you write stuff about love, right? Do you have a good love story for a song?”

“Oh. That. Yes. I might have a few poems that could work. Should we go back to the… Spare room?” he makes a gesture towards the end of the corridor.

“Ha! Stop pausing every time you say spare room!” James giggles again while nodding in agreement. He picks up his shirt and put it back on. Regulus is happy both because he won’t have to sit next to his naked torso and because James paid attention to the fact that he doesn’t know how to call this room. They share a smile and then go back to the rehearsing space. They both seem lighter and happier than they were before. Maybe coming here wasn’t a bad idea after all…

***

When Sirius shows up, later that day, they’re working on a song. Like, really working. James’ sitting on the floor, his guitar on his laps and a notebook full of ideas in front of him. Regulus, neatly established on the desk, is reviewing some of their ideas, trying to create a cohesive verse. It’s quite complicated because James’ propositions are either really stupid or not that bad but still not good enough. He shared a poem with him and James decided they could just put a melody on it and call it a day. They soon realized it wouldn’t be this easy. The band’s sound doesn’t match with his poems. If it was only James’ guitar it wouldn’t be the same. But, as James told him countless times, Sirius wants to be a rockstar. And Remus likes when the rhythm is more than just the core of the song.

“The instruments have stuff to tell, too! Sirius’ bass, Remus’ drums, even my guitar! It’s like they have lyrics too, you see? You like classical music, don’t you? Well, it’s the same. I want to be able to tell stories not only with my voice but also with our instruments. We can’t just build something around your poems. But we could use them as a starting point!”

James is always the optimist. Regulus starts questioning is life choices. But then Sirius comes into the room and everything seems easier. Because he’s his older brother. He’s stupid but wiser. He picks up his instrument and start playing a bass line and every single piece that was floating in his mind is now part of a song. It’s good. They could do it. And so they work and work and then it’s nighttime. Sirius yawns even though he woke up at noon. Or, at least, he pretends to be the most tired human being on earth. Just so he can go home and cuddle with his boyfriend.

“We’re good, aren’t we?” asks James after they said goodbye to their shared brother. Regulus is going in the kitchen to make dinner and James followed him, standing against the counter with a smile on his face.

“Yes,” he simply answers. He doesn’t think there’s anything else to add. Can they win the tournament? Why not. Can they become famous? Certainly, with James and Sirius’ charisma. And Remus’ raw talent. They can make it. He’s fairly sure of it. And James seems happy with it because he gently nods then grabs whatever leftover he let in the fridge and get out of the tiny kitchen. It’s the start of a peaceful relationship. No more anger and unresolved feelings. Or so he hopes.

“So… Explain me how it is going to be, again?” Regulus asks his brother. It’s Saturday and they’re both seated on his ridiculously huge couch in the centre of the living room. Despite the exaggerate size of the furniture, they’re sitting close, their knees are touching. It’s raining outside. The atmosphere makes him feel like a little kid again. Like when they were hiding from their mum in the library on rainy afternoons. He has his journal open on his lap and Sirius is absentmindedly tapping stuff on his laptop. They’re working on their new song while the others are out, groceries shopping for a party they’re throwing later that day.

Sirius is really passionate about the Battle of the Bands, almost as much as James. Whenever they start discussing it together, nothing can’t stop them. It seems that winning isn’t even the best thing about this event. Being able to participate in it, to them, is such an honour. Thinking about it makes Sirius truly happy and it shows in the way a giddy smile takes place on his face and the sparkle in his eyes when he starts explaining it to his little brother.

“Okay! So, first there’s the selections. We already passed them. It’s huge! We failed five times before this year,” he laughs softly, “It’s mostly about the vibes and kind of music we make. To have diversity and everything. After, it’s the preliminary elimination. Five of the twenty bands are going to be eliminated based on a song they submitted in the entry form. We’re pretty sure to pass this stage because we’re the best,” he winks before continuing.

“Then, it’s the first phase of the competition. From the fifteen left, we’re all randomly paired against another band. Except for the jury’s choice. They can directly reach the next stage. Lucky motherfuckers. All we have to do for this phase is submit a new song. From scratch. We have two weeks to make and record it. Then the five judges chose which one they prefer and it allows eight bands to go forward.

“Second round is when the fun starts. We have three weeks to make another song from scratch and shoot a video for it. We can do everything we want but it must be done in time or else we’re disqualified! Last year, some guys forgot to send the files before the deadline! Can you believe it?” at this, he laughs loudly, shaking his head. For a moment, his face is hidden behind black curls. Just like a kid. He’s just a cloud of hair and laughter. Regulus smiles at him fondly.

“For the quarterfinals, we have to write a third song. We don’t know how long we’ll have, yet. It can be a week like two days. It changes every year. Then, everyone meets at a venue and we’re performing in a random order. I hope we’ll be the last band playing! It’s the spot for the judge’s favourites. It means everything!

“And, finally, the final! The most exciting part! It’s, like, a real face-off! Each band picks a random song from the other’s catalogue and has to play it. They have, like, thirty minutes to prepare. Pure madness. I love it!” Sirius’ eyes are shining. He put his laptop aside on the coffee table, facing now his brother. He speaks with so much energy it’s really fascinating. Regulus likes seeing him this way. He feels so alive. So real. He wants to print this picture of him under his eyelids. Pocket this version of his brother in his heart, to keep forever. Just for himself.

“And how are the winners decided?” he asks, just to get to see more of this passionate brother he loves so much. He’s interested in what they’ll be doing, of course, but he doesn’t really care about the course of the events.

“The five judges each have a vote! And the thirteen other bands, too. At the end of the night, the winner is revealed by the previous year’s winners! Oh, I’m so excited!” Sirius almost jumps off the couch and continues explaining him trivia and stuff about the Battle of the Bands. Regulus tries to remember everything but it’s hard.

His brother talks fast and a lot. He sighs about bands he hopes they’ll be against. Not the Valkyries, at least not too early on. He wants a real face-off! But he wouldn’t mind play against Emmeline Vance’s band, Sad Smelling Badgers. They have a similar kind of sound so it’ll be interesting, at least he thinks. Also, he’s not scared of Emma Vanity’s band. He says they’re mostly poseurs. Even if Amelia Bones, or whatever her name is, is a hell of a bass player. And he continues like that, rambling about last year’s winners, Declawed Ravens, and especially their lead singer, Hestia. She’s a girl he really admires, apparently. About the songs’ they’re going to make and his ideas for the video. He says Remus should be the main actor for whatever home-movie they’ll make because he has a movie star vibe. Regulus isn’t sure it’s true but he doesn’t say it. He likes seeing his brother blinded by love. He’s cute. Even if it’s kind of infuriating, too, in a sense.

Regulus takes a lot of notes in his journal. He puts down all the important stuff. He writes about the Valkyries which is Marlene McKinnon’s band. Their biggest rival. He knew about them already because it’s also Dorcas’ band. And she’s one of his best friends. He loves their sound. Something really mesmerizing about the way they make rock music with instruments like a trumpet or a harp. He’d never tell Sirius but he thinks that The Marauders are a little less good than the Valkyries. He writes it in the marge. It’d probably make Dorcas happy to know it, though.

He also writes about Sad Smelling Badgers which is a really lame band name in his opinion. And turns out Ted, their cousin Andromeda’s fiancé, is part of it. He’s not surprised. He’s probably the one who came up with the name. He doesn’t know the other members but Sirius tells him they all went to the same school. Although they were older than them. He vaguely remembers Emmeline Vance because she was in the basketball team. Or in the yearbook committee. Maybe both. Frank Longbottom left the year he started school so they missed each other. He doesn’t think it’s a big loss, to be honest. There’s also Alice Fortescue, whom he knows because she used to have a fling with his other cousin, Narcissa.

He adds two rounds, quarterfinals and the final. Even if they’re disqualified early on, they’ll still have to follow the tournament because they’ll be able to vote for the ending results. It’s an interesting idea. Cultivating a fair space instead of hostility towards the others. Sirius tells him it wasn’t like that from the start and a lot of bands started fights over petty stuff. He’s relieved that they won’t have to physically fight people.
Remus might be tall but he doesn’t look like a good fighter. James is muscular but is probably way too nice to hurt others voluntarily. And Sirius is all talk. He’d probably break his thumbs on the first hit.

“Oh, by the way, I didn’t get to ask James but are you two okay? Living together and all that,” Sirius is calmer now and he looks at him, eyes full of expectancy. He probably wants them to get along. Like a child watching his divorced parents talking to each other for the first time in a while.

“Oh, yes, I guess? We’re mostly talking only about the song, honestly. We worked on it the other day but I’m not really pleased with what we added. And James’ ideas are… Peculiar,” he raises his shoulders.

They didn’t get much more work since their argument and the afternoon that followed. It was only two days ago but, at some random times, James will come to him with some notes or ideas and asks for his opinion. It’s mostly garbage. Corny stuff. Not even poetic or interesting phrases. But, once in a while, he has a brilliant idea. Wonderful lyrics. Often, he talks of flowers and the sea and someone he misses. Regulus never asks who it is about. He doesn’t need to. He watched James running after Lily Evans for six years, never faltering, always waiting. It’s almost pitiful how determined he was. Probably still is. It wouldn’t be surprising. He’s not a romantic, he’s an absolute fool.

“Yeah. I love him but, god, he doesn’t know how to write songs! Between you and me, I really think his mum and Remus’ are pitying him. There’s no way they’re really enjoying his songs the neighbour’s cat!” Sirius laughs and Regulus can’t help but notice how soft Remus’ name sounded on his lips.

“Speaking about Remus,” he starts, a cheeky smile on the face.

“What? What about him?” immediately, Sirius sits upright and stops everything he does. How come this guy is so bad about keeping his secret relationship a secret?

“Well, I get why he wanted to stay here. It’s true that your couch is better than his bed,” he jumps lightly on the cushion and holds back a laugh when he sees his brother physically ease up.

“Ah, yeah! It’s a really good couch!”

“Yes. So why didn’t you invited me to sleep here since we both agree on it being more comfortable? And how come you know if Remus’ bed is softer or not?” at this point, he’s just fucking with him. He won’t stop, though. It’s way too funny to see the cogs inside Sirius’ head spinning at full speed.

“Uh… It’s… Because, you see,” his brother is stuttering and trying desperately to find a convincing answer. Regulus is about to put him out of his misery when he hears voices coming from the landing. Seconds later, James, Remus and Peter enter the flat.

Their arms are full of groceries and James seems to be in the middle of telling them a really good story because he’s speaking loudly, a childish smile in his voice. Without really acknowledging the two brothers, they go directly in the kitchen to drop their bags and Sirius takes advantage of the situation to get up quickly and join them. His voice echoes in the corridor as he calls Remus’ name and Regulus lets out a little laugh.
He wonders if they’ll be able to keep their relationship secret any longer. He’s not sure. Sirius is trying way too hard and Remus is making no real effort. They’re fairly amusing, though. Honestly, he’s a little bit jealous of them. The way they act when they’re around each other. Stealing glances and touches as if no one could notice them. As if they’re the only two people in the world.

He picks up his journal and flips the pages to one in particular. On the paper, there’s a drawing. Barty made it. It’s a sketch of Regulus’ face from the side. He was studying and his friend was bored so he asked to borrow his journal and a pen. He scribbled a bunch of silly little things all around and made this pretty sketch of him. Barty’s a real artist. It’s a shame his father is forcing him to study to become a doctor. He’d make an awful one, at that. He’s selfish and lazy. But he’s a really good artist. Regulus sighs softly.
He left Paris in such a hurry; he didn’t even really said goodbye to him. It’s not like they will never see each other again but he still misses his best friend nonetheless… He promised he’d call him but it’s almost been a week. They used to see each other every day so it’s kind of strange, not talking to him for this long. They texted a few times but it was just mundane, small talk.

He knows Barty felt lonely in Paris even if they were there together. He misses their friends. Evan is in London but he’s so busy with his accounting job it’s hard to get a hold of him. Pandora’s in her house in Southampton. She’s creating and designing clothes. She’s a freelance artist and lives exactly how you would imagine her to. And Dorcas is really occupied with her studies, her part-time jobs, her band and her girlfriend. They used to call each other every week and watch stuff and just spend time together despite the distance. Now, it’s a miracle if they ever talk in their group chat at all.

It should make Regulus sad but he understands that’s how things are. They’re all growing up and finding their way into adulthood. Barty doesn’t get it. He’s moody and sad and often upset that things changed. Regulus can’t really blame him, he does miss their school years, though. When they’d meet up in his dorm every night and talk for hours at ends. They used to share everything. He hasn’t told anyone what happened to him in Paris. Not even Barty and he saw him every single day. But it’s okay. He’s got Sirius back. He can talk to him about his problems and shares his thoughts. And he knows he understands him because they went through the same things.

“Wow, did you draw this?” suddenly asks someone behind him.

Regulus snaps back to reality and is surprised to see James leaning over his shoulder and peeking at his journal. “No. It’s private, though. Don’t go looking in other people’s journals, Potter.”

“Ha! Sorry,” he smiles and simply jumps over the edge of the couch to seat beside him. He smells like rain and summer. His hair is a little bit damp and it seems way more curly than usual. There are still traces of raindrops on his glasses. His voice is warm and full of energy. He’s the sun incarnate. Regulus wants to burn. Ugh.

“It’s just that you seemed lost in thoughts. What were you thinking about? Lyrics? Love?” he winks playfully.

They’re trying this friendship thing. For Sirius. And it’s actually working. If Regulus doesn’t mind the nosiness of James Potter. Nor his need to be in the centre of everything all the time. He’s worse than teenage girls gossipers. But he hasn’t been mad at him since their argument so it’s a win. Also, he always finishes his cups of coffee in one sitting, now. They’re making progress.

“Not that it’s any of your business but I was thinking about my friends. It’s been a while since I saw them. And the sketch is Barty’s.”

“Oh, Crouch?” at that, James wrinkles his nose. He never really liked him or Evan if Regulus recalls correctly. He didn’t care then what he thought about his friends and he definitely doesn’t care now. He’s still curious as to why, though. What would make the perfect James Potter dislike someone?

“Yes, Barty Crouch. He was with me in Paris.”

“I see… So, you miss your friends? Crouch and who else? Wasn’t there a funny girl always with you? She wasn’t in your class, though. Pand… Something? I think she’s friend with Lily and Sybill, too!” he tries so hard to remember her name it shows on his face. He’s lovely. Even if he speaks about his lifelong crush Regulus can’t help but find him charming. It’s becoming concerning.

“Yes, Pandora. And Evan. They’re twins.”

“Ah, yes! Rosier!” he smiles and leans on the cushions, a little closer to him. He smells so good… “Oh, I know! We’re throwing a party here, tonight. You probably already know, though. Anyway. Why don’t you invite them? Dorcas is coming because Marls always comes to parties. And I think it would be nice if you’d be here, too. So, ask your friends!”

It’s not a bad idea except for the fact that Regulus hates parties. He never felt comfortable in the middle of drunk and stupid people all stuck in one place. Too many things happening all at once. Not enough control over them. Also, he hates alcohol. James loves parties, obviously. It’s not surprising. He’s stupid and probably is even more stupid when he drinks. He loves being at the centre of the attention. Fucking sun.

Regulus speaks very matter-of-factly when he answers, “I don’t like parties.”

“I wonder why I’m so surprised,” James smiles and it’s like they’re sharing a secret. His lips are a little bit chapped and if he continues to smile like this it’ll probably bleed. Regulus wants to see him smile again. Wants to pick at the little skin. He has real issues.

“I’m a very surprising person,” he keeps his hand for himself and looks away from James’ smile to his eyes. Big brown eyes with a little bit of green in them. He wonders if it is his mother or his father’s eyes. Who should he thank for the view?

“Oh, yes, you are!”, James laughs, charming smile on his face, “You write poems about love and let you friends draw pretty pictures of you in your diary. It’s really different from what I thought you were like!”

“And what, exactly, did you think I was like?” Regulus can’t help his curiosity. He already knows James’ idea of him was wrong from the start. He wonders what version of him lives in his mind. He wonders how he can change it so James likes him better. Or just like him at all.

“Oh, you know. The usual cliché of a cold-hearted, moody guy. A bit insufferable. You think his soul is dark and sad but in reality, he writes poems about the moon and cries while watching any movie retelling a Shakespeare story. Except you wouldn’t cry about the tragedy in itself but more because the movie sucks and misses every point Shakespeare tried to make with his stories. Like, yes, Juliet was thirteen, we know!” James giggles and run a hand through his hair, detangling a few messy curls. Some droplets fall on his shoulders and there’s a little wet spot on his white shirt. Regulus is suddenly thirsty.

“You’re not totally wrong. I do write poems about the moon. And I cried watching Ten Things I Hate About You. But because the movie was really good. I liked Bianca’s character,” he smiles back and loves the way James’ eyes sparkles a little when he does so. As if all he wanted from him was a few secrets and a smile. If he’d ask, he’d give him a thousand more.

“You see! You’re so surprising, Regulus! It’s really entertaining. I’m glad you finally accepted my offer to become friends. Even if you’re, like, ten years too late,” he winks before taking off his glasses to wipe them off with the hem of his shirt. He looks younger like this. Regulus likes him better with them on the bridge of his nose.

“More like eleven years. We met when you were twelve,” he counters and, at that, James laughs again. Louder than before. It comes from the back of his throat and he seems delighted. Regulus doesn’t get what’s so funny but he wishes he could kiss him on the lips just now. To capture a piece of his laughter between his teeth. Keep it in his mouth forever. Letting it grow in his body. Near his heart. James Potter’s laugh. A treasure.

He's about to say something atrocious like “please, oh please, kiss me or I might die this instant” when Sirius comes back into the room. He wears a cowboy hat and has a stupid smile on his face. Meaning he has a stupid idea in his stupid head. Remus and Peter are close behind him, both wearing the same expression and matching hats. Remus even has a plastic gun and Peter carries two other hats and handkerchiefs.

“Don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know,” says Regulus at the same time as James gets up, excited, and shouts, “Cowboy themed party!”

Yeah. No. Regulus is out of there. He has to work on their song for the contest and the flat is probably messy so he could clean it a little. Water James’ vegetables and then go to bed early. He could watch some telly, too. There’s probably a show he likes. He could find one. Also, he has to do the laundry because his clothes are all dirty. That’s an excellent plan for a Saturday night.

Too bad Sirius and his friends doesn’t care about intelligent ways to live.

“Reggie! Reg! Dude! Bro! Baby! You’re finally calling me! You’re not dead! When are you coming back? Are you staying at Evan’s or Dorcas’? How dare you not answering my calls? You’re so lame,” Barty’s voice is a familiar tune to his ears. His whiny tone makes Regulus roll his eyes but he smiles, nonetheless. He missed him. But he’ll never tell him or Barty will be insufferable about it for weeks.

Regulus is seated on Sirius’ balcony. Inside, the party started and he escaped here as soon as he could. Sirius and James gave him a hat and a pretty handkerchief to tie around his neck but he put both of them aside. He refuses to participate in all of this. So, he stepped outside and decided it was the perfect time to call his best friend. Because, yes, he misses him. And he had, in fact, promised to call him. It’s only the start of the summer but the air is already pleasant enough to stay outside this late. And it rained all day so everything feels heavy. He likes it.

“Hello. I’m alive,” he starts, lighting a cigarette. “I don’t know, Bartemius. Probably not before the end of the summer. I promised my brother I’d help him with something. And I had some stuff to sort, here. I haven’t seen Evan or Dorcas, yet. You already know that, though,” exhaling smoke in the night, he looks at the sky. A few stars are visible between the clouds. He sees Antares shining brightly. It brings him comfort. He doesn’t like lying to his best friends but it’s better this way.

“Everyone is leaving me! First Evan and now you… I haven’t seen Pandora in months and Dorcas is always at work too… Life’s unfair! At least tell me why you left,” he wails and Regulus drops his gaze on the city in front of him. London is fairly different from Paris. Not the same type of capital. Not the same type of people. In Paris, he felt as home. More than in London, anyway. But since… That day, it wasn’t the same. He couldn’t stay there. Not for a while, at least. It didn’t feel as safe as he thought it was. This realization is heart breaking for him. He thought he had found a home and now he has to start over once again.

“Sirius needed my help with something and I couldn’t refuse him. That’s all,” he’s still lying and they both know it. “You will never believe me when I tell you where I’m staying, though,” Regulus decides to humour him. Make him forget about his sadness for a little bit.

“Well… Evan’s flat only has one room so probably not there. We both know that asshole doesn’t like to share. Pandora’s too far from London and you said you were there for your brother and sorting stuff out. I’d say big Black’s place but if it was the case, you wouldn’t ask me to guess. So, Dorcas’ the only option?” his voice is less whiny than two seconds prior. Regulus smiles softly.

“Sirius made me stay at Potter’s place.”

“No fucking way!” Barty shouts, laughing loudly. “You’re fucking with me! There’s no way your new roommate is that knobhead! Like are we speaking of the same James Potter? The one you had a painfully huge crush on all throughout school?”

“It was my only option. And I did not have a crush on him for that long.”

“I swear if you’re ditching me for Wanker Potter,” he suddenly sounds really upset but in a funny way and Regulus can’t help but laughs softly.

“What are you going to do? Come here and cry on his landing?”

“And what if I do exactly that?”

“You wouldn’t.”

“I would!” and it’s the truth. Regulus knows Barty would take the first train just to prove his point. “I so would do that! And I’d tell him all about your crush!”

“For one, you’re too scared of running into your dad in London. And James’ wouldn’t even understand why you’re crying in front of his door,” he laughs again, imagining the scene. Poor James offering a glass of water to a wailing Barty Crouch Jr. In another world, they’d probably get along well. Both being as dramatic as the other. “Also, he’d think you’re lying or having a stroke. James’ too kind. He’d probably call his mum to ask her what to do with you.”

“Oh, Reggie, you’re so in love with him I don’t recognize you! What has he done with you? Where is my mean, cold-hearted best friend who used to hate him? I liked this version of you better! Remember all the nice times we had, insulting him at dinner and booing him at his basketball games?”

“I’m not in love with him. Stop being ridiculous,” he mutters, suddenly a little bit annoyed. It’s just a stupid crush not the love of his life. It’ll pass when he won’t be forced to see him every day. He can just indulge himself for a few months. It won’t kill him.

“With whom aren’t you in love?” asks a familiar voice behind him and it makes him jumps so high he drops his cigarette off the balcony. Fuck.

“James!” he calls, surprised, when he recognizes the man standing now against the railing, all smile.

“James?” says Barty on the other side of the line, not really understanding what’s happening. Why is his best friend suddenly shouting his crush’s name?

“Me?” laughs James, watching him with an insufferable grin and curious eyes. His cowboy hat hangs around his neck and he put a colourful vest over his white shirt. Where in the world did he even find real cowboy boots? He looks so damn good. Regulus wants to hide and die.

“Je te rappelle, Barty. J’ai quelque chose à régler,” grumbling in French, Regulus doesn’t let his friend answer before immediately hanging up. Ugh. He turns around and points an accusing finger to James, “You got to stop creeping up on me.”

But the guy doesn’t really listen to him. Instead, he’s beaming. “Was that French? Oh that sounded so good! We should add French to our songs! Could you say something else?”

“No.”

“Okay… So tell me with who you are definitely not in love! Please?” he’s annoying and he’s lovely and the way he holds his cup is cute. With his pinkie up and everything.

“We already discussed about that earlier. You have to start minding your own business, Potter,” Regulus tries to sound annoyed and it works. A little too well. James’ smile drops and he seems embarrassed.

“Right, I’m sorry. Uh, we, me and Sirius, well, Sirius and me, but mostly me, to be honest, we were just looking for you. Your friends are there. That’s all,” he offers him a little smile and shrug before heading back in and Regulus holds back a sigh. He didn’t think he’d react like this. Finding the right balance with James is harder than he thought.

As much as James doesn’t know him, it seems that he doesn’t know him neither.

After a few seconds, Regulus finally pulls himself together, grabs his hat and handkerchief and goes back inside, looking for his friends. He knows Dorcas is there because James told him she’d come. And she’s probably the one who told Pandora and Evan about his presence. He can’t believe they’re here, in matching sparkling outfits and everything. They look like movie stars, straight out of a western where some disco divas died and reincarnated into cowboys. Shiny cowboys.

It’s been months since he last saw them. And fuck, he missed them. Pandora shrieks and she throws herself at him, immediately wrapping her arms around him. A few people shot curious glances at him but he doesn’t have time to mind because Evan joins them in the embrace, tightly hugging him.

“Reg! Fuck, why didn’t you tell us you were here? Cas’ the one who invited us! And only because Potter told McKinnon that you were staying at his place. What the actual hell?” Evans seems truly upset when they part. He looks at him with actual concern in his eyes. Yes. Regulus should have seen this coming.

“It was kind of a last-minute thing, really,” he starts but is interrupted by Pandora. She lifts her finger to his lips to shut him up.

“Dorcas said it’s been a full week. Sept jours. Does Barty know? You can’t disappear like that. At least you could have sent us a letter. Or a text. Juste quelque chose. Histoire qu’on sache.” she offers him a warm smile but her eyes are matching her brother’s.

“Yes, you’re right. I’ve just been busy and I know you’re all taken with your jobs and studies. I didn’t want to make you worry. Sirius needed my help, that’s all. Truly,” they look at him with eyes full of questions before nodding. Evan sighs as his sister grins.

“Well. At least, I’m glad to see you again. I missed you so much! I have so many things to tell you!” Pandora takes his hand and leads him to the empty couch. Most people are dancing or standing in corners, beverages in hands. He doesn’t know most of them but can recognize a few from school. Especially because they were often in James’ orbit.

Near the kitchen stands Lily Evans, obviously she’s here. Pretty red hair, even prettier green eyes. She’s smiling to a girl and there’s something soft about the way she casually leans to murmurs something to her ear. He recognizes her because she used to date his brother. Mary Macdonald. He liked her character. He hated how dumb she looked when she was with Sirius.
Next to them, another girl is covered in ruffles and layers of clothes. He knows her too because, just like Lily, she’s also friend with Pandora. He never really talked to Sybill Trelawney but she seems nice. She’s also part of Dorcas’ band.
Alice Fortescue is there. Narcissa’s fling. She’s currently dancing with another girl now, though. It’s Emmeline Vance, the leader of the band with the lame name. Sad Smelling Badgers or whatever. Still terrible.
Marlene McKinnon, Dorcas’ girlfriend, is singing loudly with James. They’re standing on chairs and screaming some pop song lyrics at the top of their lungs. They both seem to be already well drunk even though the party started only a few hours ago.

“I missed you too, Dora,” Regulus smiles as Pandora gently cups his cheek. She’s always been the only one whom he appreciates the physical touch. As he leans into it, he catches James looking at them with curious eyes. They both quickly look away. Moments later, Evan joins them with glasses for them all. Mango juice for Regulus, a vodka for his sister and beer for himself.

“So, what are you actually helping your brother with?” he asks, sitting down next to him. He looks unimpressed by the party in itself even if he made the effort of dressing up. It was probably Pandora’s idea, though. And no one can ever say no to her.

“The lyricist of their band dumped them so they need someone to write their songs for a contest. I have to play the piano, too,” he explains before taking a sip of his juice. He’s not much of an alcohol person. Especially when most of the people here are already drunk or well on their way to it.

“What? You? In their band?” Evan frowns and he turns around to watch James who’s still singing on a chair. “With this tosser? And your brother? And your brother’s boyfriend?” he gestures to where Sirius and Remus are, not quite snogging but almost making out, nonetheless.

“Yes,” is all he can say. Because it’s the truth. As ridiculous as Evan makes it sound.

“James’ nice, though. I don’t know why you don’t like him, Ev,” Pandora retorts, a smile on her lips and a glass of wine in her left hand.

“Because he’s a knob. And Regulus’ so smitten with him it’s kinda pathetic.”

“Oh, god, not you too!” mutters Regulus before adding, lower, “I am not in love with him! It’s just a crush!”

“But, baby, you do love him,” adds Dorcas who just joined them. She offers her friends a smile and hugs tightly Pandora before sitting next to Evan. She casually leans into the conversation, seemingly not needing any context. McKinnon probably told her about the roommate and band situation.

“No. I don’t. Like Evan said, he’s a prat.”

“You’re so good at lying to yourself,” Dorcas laughs and he rolls his eyes.

“What I feel doesn’t matter, anyway. He’s still head over heels with Lily Evans.”

“No. Lily has a girlfriend,” says Pandora, really matter-of-factly.

“And Marls told me James has moved on, like years ago,” finishes Dorcas.

Regulus look at them and frowns. Because it’s not real. James writes songs about her. He wouldn’t do that if he wasn’t in love with her anymore. It doesn’t make sense. They all turn to watch where he is, now back on the floor. He put his cowboy hat on and tries to dance on some country song but fails every time, his feet tripping over themselves. He yells at Marlene who’s almost rolling on the floor, laughing. She’s one of his best friends so it’d made sense that she’d know how he feels. But Regulus can’t fathom a world where James Potter isn’t in love with Lily Evans.

“They did go out, you know? In their last year of school,” Pandora’s voice takes him back on earth and he looks at her with raised eyebrows. “It didn’t work because he dumped her. Well, it was mutual, really. But Lily told me she was a little bit sad. More than him, it seems.”

“Well, maybe he’s lying. Or he’s just not attracted to anyone that way.”

“For fuck’s sake, Reg! You’re so desperate about being miserable! Please just get up and go snog him!” Evan groans, a little bit louder than needed. At the same moment, the music stops because Sirius’ phone has been disconnected from the speakers. Filling the room with silence. Only Evan’s words echoing.

No one says anything for a moment and then Marlene bursts out laughing, quickly joined by everyone. Everyone excepts Regulus. He wants to die. For the second time tonight. It’s too much. He glares at Evan, who’s laughing with the others, and actually gets up. But he doesn’t kiss James, of course not. He goes directly in the kitchen to hide. He’s glad that no one follow him. Hopefully, people are too drunk and didn’t really understand what Evan said. Or maybe it wasn’t that loud but he still feels the shame crawl under his skin. He wishes he could go home. But not James’ flat. He wishes he still had a place he could call home.

In the living room, the music starts again and the conversations resume to a murmur. James and Marlene are back to screaming over whatever song is playing. Regulus sighs and put his forehead against one of the cupboards, relaxing a little bit. If only he had said no to Sirius. He’d be currently in his bed. Maybe reading. Maybe watching a movie. Not feeling dreadfully embarrassed for the second time in one night. In the span of less than an hour! Ugh. He never went to parties in school and now he knows that he’d been right.

“Hi,” someone says, entering the kitchen. Nice. Now, he wants to die even more.

“Hello, Evans.”

“It’s nice to see you again,” Lily says while pouring orange juice into a glass. She sounds genuine. Enough to make him turn around, gazing at her with curious eyes.

“Really?”

“Why, yes of course! I know Dora missed you. And it’s always nice to meet old schoolmates again don’t you think?” she offers him a tender smile and Regulus can’t help but think that she’s really, really pretty. She’s wearing real cowboy boots just like James and a pretty green dress that matches her eyes. It goes well with her red hair, too. She’s stunning.

“We never really spoke at school, though,” he counters and she shrugs.

“That’s a shame, really. If we had been in the same year I really think we could have been great friends. Just like you and Pandora,” Lily takes a sip of her juice and he wonders if it’s true. He doesn’t know her well enough to be sure. Truly, Regulus only ever saw her as the victim of James Potter’s love crusade and Pandora’s friend. He realizes, now that she’s talking to him and standing in front of him, that he never considered her as her own person. He’s a dickhead.

“It’s not too late, I think,” he tries, smiling awkwardly. She smiles back, that same genuine and tender expression she seems to always wear whenever he sees her. Lily inspires him trust and warmth.

“Nice! You can start by calling me by my name,” Regulus loves the way she lights up. Maybe he’s starting to understand why James spent the last ten years being head over heels for her.

“Okay, Lily.”

“You see? It’s not that difficult,” she grins and offers him a new glass of juice. He gracefully accepts it while she goes and sits on top of the counter, next to him. Her legs are dangling and she’s now a little bit taller than him. They’re close enough that her shoulder brushes against his when she moves but not in the way it feels invasive.

“So, how is the party going for you tonight?” Lily asks but not in a nosy way like James would have. It’s sincere curiosity. He likes it.

“Hum, not really well. I don’t like parties, to be honest. But Sirius wanted me there so… Here I am?”

“I see. I don’t like them either. But I love spending time with my friends so I guess I must compromise,” she giggles and it’s adorable. He wants to be able to become her friend but can’t help seeing her through James’ eyes. It’s a curse.

“By the way,” she adds, smiling at him, “How it is? Living with the great James Potter?”

“Oh, you know about that?”

“James told me the other day, yes,” she smiles and, for an instant, it looks cunning. “But don’t worry. He only told me good things about you.”

“I didn’t know you two were in good terms,” he knows it’s bad to pry but he can’t help himself. He’s just way too curious. “It always seemed like you were suffering his presence.”

At that, Lily laughs again. She takes a sip of her juice before answering, a soft smile on the face. “I get why it would look like that but we’re actually close. He was very annoying for approximatively two years before I started to find him really pathetic. After that, we became good friends,” she’s still laughing but Regulus can feel how much she cares about James.

“Don’t you find it weird that he’s still writing songs about you? Even now?”

“What?” she frowns, “No. Of course not. James writes stupid songs about everything and everyone! You should hear the one he made about his mum’s guinea pig!” she looks serious so he decides to stop pushing it. If he wants to start over with her, he needs to respect her as her own person.

“I heard him sing one about me the other day. He made my name rhymes with calculus,” he confesses, a soft smile on his lips. This makes Lily laughs again. It’s not hard, apparently.

“I should offer him a rhyming dictionary for his birthday!”

“Why wait for his birthday? We should go out and buy him one right now.”

“You’re right but I fear we are the only sensible people here tonight. If we leave who knows what could happen?”

“You were right. We should have been friends since school,” he smiles at her. He feels better than before. His anxiety and anger both fell in the back of his mind. People probably don’t even remember what happened thirty minutes ago. Regulus feels stupid for caring so much about nothing when he should be spending time with his best friends. Lily seems to think the same thing because she jumps down the counter and takes him by the hand.

“Now come on, Regulus Black. Let’s get back to the party! We have to take back control of the aux from Marlene and James. They’re absolute menaces. And you seem like the type to have really good music taste!”

Without letting him a second to answer, she guides him back in the living room. Country music is still blaring and the only people enjoying it are James, Marlene, Peter and a guy he doesn’t know. Lily is right, they have to save the party. Even if he hates it, at least he’ll be able to get back at James. And it feels right to have Lily’s hand in his. For a moment, he wonders how life would have been if they met at school? If he hadn’t been such a snob for all those years.

James is not that drunk. He only had a few beers and two or three shots. It’s not that much for someone with a high alcohol tolerance like him. He’s very tall so it takes more time for him to feel the effects. But maybe there was something else in his glass because he can’t believe his eyes when he sees Lily, his Lily, hand in hand with Regulus, his flatmate. They’re holding hands! And they’re smiling at each other! Well, as much as Regulus can smile, anyway.

He rubs his eyes but they’re still looking close and mischievous. In fact, they are mischievous! He’s starting to understand where they’re going when they’re already changing the music! No! He shouts as he’s running towards them, forgetting his arm’s still linked to Marlene’s. Right, they were singing and dancing on chairs. Not the best idea. They both stagger before tumbling on the floor. They smash against each other in a flash of colours. After the surprise, he starts laughing. Loud and happy. That’s how he feels right now. He’ll be bruised tomorrow but he doesn’t care.

“Prat!” Marlene is hysterically rolling on the floor, tears in her eyes. It wasn’t that funny but Dorcas and her started the party well before arriving at Sirius’ place. Her laugh is infectious and they can’t stop barking at each other. Oh god, he loves her so much!

“Are you two alright?” Lily is standing in front of them, a smile on her lips and a sparkle in her eyes. She’s really pretty tonight. He’s happy she’s wearing their matching cowboy boots! James smiles and nods at her before he sees Regulus by her side. He notices that they’re not holding hands anymore. He wonders how it felt.

“Since when you two are friends?” he can’t help but ask, rather bluntly.

“What, Potter? I can’t be friend with your friends?” Regulus shots, smirking. He’s pretty, too. They’re pretty together, both of them, standing above him. James can’t help but laugh again. He likes bickering with him, after all. It’s easy. Except when Regulus suddenly becomes cold and shuts him out. That’s not easy. Whatever the contrary of easy is, that’s what it is with Regulus.

“No, I just never thought about Lily and you as people existing in the same world, y’know?” it makes sense in his mind but it doesn’t seem to be clear in theirs. Lily furrows her brows while Regulus raises his. James finds it funny so he laughs again.

“We did go to the same school for eleven years!” Lily commented, putting her hands on her hips. He knows her by heart. She’s entering her mum mode.

“And yet you never spoke to each other!”

“And how exactly would you know that?” she counters, looking really serious about the topic.

“Yeah, I’m interested in the answer, too,” adds Regulus.

“Because I spent eleven years watching you, obviously!” James retorts, because it’s true. Regulus frowns and glances over to Lily who’s rolling her eyes, the shadow of a smile on her lips.

“Oh, no, I sounded like a creep again,” James shakes his head. “I wasn’t talking about you, Lils. I swear!”

“Why, were you perhaps talking about Regulus?” she bites back a grin.

“In fact, yeah! I swear!” and it’s the truth! But not like in a stalker, creep way. It’s just that he felt compelled to watch over him as Sirius’ best friend. Just keeping an eye on his little brother. That’s all. But he doesn’t know how to say it out loud because his brain is suddenly really slow even though he’s thinking very fast and Regulus and Lily are already exchanging funny looks. He suddenly feels jealousy creeping up his neck.

“James, mate, you need to stop talking sometimes,” Marlene is still next to him, on the floor, laughing. Thank god she’s still there.

“Marl’s right, James. You sound kind of very drunk, right now. Maybe you should have a glass of water,” Lily offers him a hand and he takes it, getting up. Maybe he’s drunk. He doesn’t feel like it, thought. He wants to dance with her. He wants to call his mum. He’s still jealous about her and Regulus’ new friendship. What do they talk about? Literature and music? Sport? Photography? Is Regulus into photography? He looks like he could be. Maybe he’s interested in modelling like Sirius? He’s always wearing cool and tight outfits so he’s probably a fashion guy.

“Come on, we’ll get you both some soft drinks,” Lily helps Marlene up too and takes them both to the kitchen. Regulus stays behind, joining his friends back on the couch. He seems happy. It’s a good thing. James nods softly to himself.

“I’m not that drunk,” he says, following the girls in the kitchen. Lily shakes her head, a laugh on her lips, while she takes out two glasses and fill them of water. He likes Lily. She’s a great friend. One of the best he’s got, even. She reminds him of his mum in a certain way. They both have the same fighting spirit, never letting anyone stepping on them. And they get along so well! It’s almost as if she was the daughter his mum could have had. Not that he thinks of Lily as a sister, thought. It would be weird since he’s been in love with her for almost ten years. But he certainly sees her as his family. Just like Marlene, Peter, Mary or Remus. And Sirius but that’s a given. They’re his home. Wherever he is, he knows he’ll always have them. It’s such a comforting thought…

“James? Are you alright?” Lily’s voice is a little bit worried and he doesn’t get why until he feels the tears on his cheeks.

“Uh, yes. I was just thinking about how much I love you. And Marls, and Mary, Pete, Moony and Pads… You’re my family, you know that?”

“Okay, you’re definitely drunk. But, yes, we know,” she smiles at him while Marlene passes an arm around his shoulders, leaning into him. They stay quiet for a while, drinking water in the peace of the kitchen. He loves listening to the noise in the other room. When he was younger, he always felt the need to be part of it. To be the one making all the noise, to have people constantly watching him. He was thrilled to be at the centre of everything that ever happened in the history of his world. But nowadays, he feels content to just exist in the same space as his friends. He doesn’t need their eyes on him to know that he’s alive anymore.

“I wanna kiss my girlfriend,” Marlene suddenly says after finishing her third glass of water. She gets up and plants a kiss on James’ cheek before going back to the party. Lily smiles fondly. She’s really their mum.

“You should go kiss your girlfriend, too. Or you new best friend...” James gestures towards the door.

“Oh, you’re such a jealous prick, James Potter,” she laughs but nods and ruffles his hair before leaving him alone, sitting on the kitchen floor.

James is happy. The night isn’t over yet but it’s already been lots of fun. He danced and sang and drank. He got to dress up as a cowboy and he loves his outfit. He knows it’s still technically a secret but he saw Remus and Sirius almost kissing in public and it made him happy. Also, most of his friends are here tonight! It’s so cool! He loves spending time with Frank and talking about sport with Emmeline. Alice is so fun to be around, too. It’s been ages since the last time they were all in the same place.

He has to admit he’s also happy that Regulus got to see his friends. He didn’t go out much since he’s arrived so James is glad to see him with people other than Sirius and him. Especially because he doesn’t think Regulus appreciates him very much. Sure, they get along just fine but, most of the time, they’re just being professionals. James sees it as a work relation. He talked about it with his mum and she told him to be nice to the poor boy. He wanted to tell her that Regulus was no poor boy but he hates contradicting his mum so he said he’d try. And he’s been trying.

But it feels like he’s making lots of mistakes. The worst thing is, he doesn’t even know what he’s doing wrong! Sure, he’s a little bit nosy but that’s his way of showing that he cares! All his other friends don’t mind so why does it bother Regulus so much? And, as much as he thought of himself as an explorer of the heart, he can’t understand how Regulus works. He’s moody and cold but his smile is so bright when he wants! He loves music and poetry and love but seems to hate any of James’ opinions on the subjects. They probably have the same tastes in something but he can’t know because Regulus won’t let him! It’s so frustrating! He’s starting to believe they will never be friends. Only co-workers. And that is only until the end of the Battle of the Bands. After that, they’ll probably go back to acquaintances. It makes him sad. He hates goodbyes. And he’d love for Regulus to stay in Sirius’ lives because he thinks they both deserve to have each other. It’s not fair…

“Why on earth are you sobbing on my kitchen floor, Jamester?” his best friend looks at him with a ridiculous smile and shiny eyes. God, he’s been glued to Remus all night and it shows.

“Pads, mate, it’s the first time in forever that we’re alone without your brother or Remus,” that’s all he says because he doesn’t want to acknowledge the fact that he was crying a little bit. The alcohol made him sad, that’s all.

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m sorry for neglecting my duties as your bestest friend, then!” Sirius crouches down and sits beside him, his whole body leaning against his. It’s a comforting and familiar weight. He missed it. “So, tell me what got you whimpering when it’s not even midnight and you’re not that much drunk either.”

“First, I am not whimpering or sobbing or whatever!”

“You are, mate. But that’s okay. I love it when you’re all sensible and whiny. I like to see that so secret part of you.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that you were speaking to Regulus again? It’s major news but you kept it to yourself…” he looks over to see Sirius’ face when he answers.

“It’s… Uh… To be honest, everything went really fast. It all happened at once. Reg… Something happened to him in Paris and he needed me. So, obviously, I was there for him. Then I suggested that he’d come. But that’s when Peter dumped us. It slipped my mind and then it was too late.”

“But Remus knew,” it’s not an accusation. Not really. Just an observation. But Sirius stays quiet for a moment too long. James bites back a sigh and adds, “It’s okay, Pads, I know.”

“What do you know?” his voice is thin and James hates to think that it’s because Sirius is afraid of how he’d react.

“I mean, Lily and Mary are together since last summer. Marlene’s been pining over Dorcas for at least eight years. I’ve been living with my mum and dad since my birth. I can recognize people in love when they’re in front of me. And you two aren’t discreet, at all. You literally offered Remus’ room to your brother…” he offers him a smile that, he hopes, can convey all of his love and support for him. He just wants him to know that, no matter what, he’ll always love him.

“I’m sorry,” Sirius starts, voice almost breaking. James doesn’t let him continue.

“You don’t have to apologize. Never apologize. I just wanted you to tell me stuff. Like we used to talk about everything and anything… Maybe it’s selfish of me but I thought I was the one you came to talk about your family.”

“James… You are. I swear. I wanted to tell you but… Like I said, stuff happened quickly. Remus only knew because he was with me when Reg texted me. If it wasn’t the case, he’d probably wouldn’t know either.”

“Shit, now I feel terrible. I didn’t want you to explain me anything… I’m just happy to spend time with you,” he smiles at his best friend and feels Sirius’ body relaxing against him.

“You know, I really wanted to tell you. About Remus. But also about Reggie. I just didn’t find the right time…”

“We have the time, now. So, if you want to tell me anything, I really want to listen to you,” James puts his head and Sirius’ shoulder and gently nudges him in the side, prompting him to talk.

So, Sirius starts talking. He explains him that he was watching some tv show with Remus when he received a text from his brother. Just a question. “Are you okay?” Three simple words but they made Sirius’ heart sink. He was terrified that something had happened to his baby brother so he answered right away. They texted for a few minutes before Sirius had called him. Regulus’ voice was shaky and all he could say was that he needed him. Regulus needed him. So, Sirius told him to come to him. Immediately. That he could stay at his place, in London. For as long as he needed. He’d help him. He didn’t know what happened to his brother but he felt like Regulus would tell him everything when the time was right. So, they made plans. Then Peter quit the group and life went by really quickly. When Regulus appeared on James’ landing, it was already too late to explain it.

“What happened to him in Paris?” asks James after Sirius finishes explaining the story. He’s really curious, now.

“It’s not my place to tell. And I’m not sure Reggie would be thrilled with me spilling his secrets. Even if it’s you…” he offers him a smile and James sighs.

“Especially if it’s me, I guess. Mate, your brother hates me.”

At that, Sirius laughs. It shakes James so much that he has to sit up straight again. They exchange glances and he joins in the laughter. It seems that Sirius feels lighter than before. Maybe because he doesn’t have to hide things from him anymore? James wonders how it must have felt for him, for Sirius out of all people, to keep stuff from him. He knows everyone has their secrets but him and Sirius never really had any for each other. Except when they were preparing surprises for their birthdays or pranks. Sure, they grew up and changed but they’re still the same. And he can see it in Sirius’ smile that he’s relieved.

“I love you, Sirius,” he finally says, smiling at his best friend. His brother.

“I love you too, James. You know you’re my favourite, right?”

“Yeah, figured so.”

They spend another hour talking like that, on the floor of the kitchen, about Remus and Sirius’ relationship and their friends and how Regulus probably doesn’t really hate James even if they’re both not sure about that. It’s nice and they laugh loudly anytime someone step into the room and look at them with curious eyes. It’s like they’re kids again. Sharing secrets in crowded rooms. It’s their thing and they love it.

After that, they go back to the party. They take shots and James can’t help but smile for himself every time Remus and Sirius are acting like lovers instead of friends. Oh, he loves them. He’s so happy for them. He mumbles some excuse to Lily before downing shots and strong alcohols. He goes back to dancing in the middle of the room and he does so until the exhaustion takes over his body and he falls asleep on the window bench, in the living room.

***

That’s where he wakes up the day after. He has a headache and the sun shining right on his face doesn’t help. He doesn’t know what time it is but it’s probably around eight in the morning. People went back to their places except for a few guests. Regulus and Pandora are fast asleep on the couch, cuddling each other. Marlene is tucked under a pile of coats on the thick carpet and she looks really content to be there, a soft smile on her sleepy face. Dorcas spent the night on the armchair and she’ll probably have back pain when she’ll wake up. He recognizes Peter’s snoring somewhere in the hallway. As to Sirius and Remus, they’re probably sleeping together in Sirius’ bed. As usual.

James stays a moment observing his friends in silence before getting up quietly to go to the bathroom. That’s where he finds Evan Rosier, sleeping in the bathtub. James bites back a laugh before splashing water on his own face then leaving the room quickly. He doesn’t want to wake him up or even deal with him. Not this early.

He always loved the mornings after parties. It’s always a quiet and peaceful atmosphere. Everyone getting up at their own pace, people slowly remembering what they did. Eating fresh toasts and drinking a good cup of coffee. He loves it. So, after making a pot of coffee and piling some toasts on a plate, he takes his cup and goes out to sit on the balcony. It’s a nice day. A little bit windy but not enough that it’s cold. The sun is already warm on his skin and he closes his eyes in between two sips, enjoying the feeling.

“It’s the first time I see you awake before me.”

“Hi, Regulus,” he opens back his eyes and smiles at the boy who’s sitting down opposite to him at the little outdoor table.

“Have you seen Evan?”

“He slept in the bathtub. Who do you think will have the most back pain between him, Dorcas and Marls?”

“Evan, for sure. He’s used to premium mattress,” he takes a sip of his cup and smiles, gently.

“I trust you. I don’t know Dorcas enough and Marlene has the habit of sleeping anywhere since we were kids.”

“Dorcas will complain but Evan will make it his whole personality for at least two months.”

James loves the normalcy in their conversation. It’s nice and easy. Maybe because talking about his friends is what Regulus loves?

“If I had known, I would have taken the bathtub myself. Just to save you the trouble of having to listen to his complaints.”

“It’s really nice of you, Potter.”

“Oh please, you called me James before. What happened to that? Are you still mad at me for being nosy yesterday? I swear I won’t ever ask you about your love life! I’m sorry!” he sighs loudly.

“It has nothing to do with my love life. I just find it funny,” Regulus grins at him before taking a cigarette out of his pocket and lighting it.

“Does that mean we can talk about your love life?”

“Don’t push your luck, James.”

“Yes, sorry. I was just testing the limits.”

“The limits?” at that, Regulus arches an eyebrow.

“Yeah. Like, how far can I go before you shut me out. That kind of stuff. It’s actually quite tricky to understand you,” he tells him, sincerely. And it makes James happy when he sees Regulus’ lips curls up around his cigarette.

“Maybe if you didn’t act as if I’m a wild animal, it would be better? Like, I’m simply another person. Just a suggestion, though. You’re the extrovert expert,” he exhales and the smokes goes up in the sky. James doesn’t really like cigarettes and everything but when it’s Regulus it has something classy and chic. Life old French movies.

“I did think I was an extrovert expert but I have to admit that you’re a tough case. Maybe I should get my title revoked.”

“Oh please, don’t. I’m not important enough for you to lose your reputation.”

“But you are important, though! You’re Sirius’ brother.”

“It isn’t really flattering to only be someone’s something, you know? Or, at least, be a little creative with it. I am as much Sirius’ brother as I am Remus’ brother-in-law,” he smiles again and James can’t help but laugh.

“Maybe we should write a song about this!”

“About Sirius and Remus not so secret relationship? Please, I’m not outing my brother and his boyfriend to the world. Or their mothers, for that matter. Since they’re your sole public,” James fights the urge to roll his eyes and tries to ignore the fact that Regulus said that his mum was also Sirius’.

“No, I wouldn’t do that to them either! I just meant; we could write a song about people’s relationships with each other. Like, what about a love song where you don’t really know the main character ‘cause they’re just talking about everyone’s else relationships!”

“I’m not sure to follow you.”

“Wait!” he gets up and goes back inside the living room, grabbing his guitar. He rarely goes anywhere without her. You never know when inspiration will strike. He returns on the balcony and sits down, drawing his chair closer to Regulus. James sets up his instrument on his knees before strumming a melody and humming, looking for lyrics in his mind.
He starts singing words without really thinking too much about them. Just searching around his head for rhymes and meaningful stuff. It’s only the first try but Regulus nods along the melody and even tries some things, too. He looks happy with the song. Their first real song together.

“Don’t you think it’s way to early to serenade people, Jamesy?” Marlene joins them outside, a warm cup of coffee in the hands and the biggest eyebags ever known to man on the face.

James laughs at her, pushing his guitar to the side. “I’m not serenading anyone, we were working! Stop spying on us, you already stole our lyrics guy!”

“Am I only your lyrics guy?” Peter asks, coming right behind her. He has a plate of eggs in his hands and jam around the mouth. He sits down next to James as Marlene giggles, standing against the railing.

“I didn’t steal anything or anyone! People are just inexplicably attracted to me! It’s called charisma, you should try some, Potter!”

“Inexplicably is the keyword, there,” Dorcas’ here too and she doesn’t get the chance to make another step before Marlene throws herself at her. They start bickering, looking at each other as if they’re the only one in the world. It’s a little embarrassing so the three boys turn around to give them some privacy.

They eat in peace and listen as Peter rants about his studies and his job. He absolutely hates anything that doesn’t have to do with writing and music but he’s forced to study or his mum will disown him. And she’s pretty serious about this stuff so he puts up with it for her. When Regulus and Pete start talking about poetry and authors they admire, James tries to follow but he doesn’t know most of what they’re talking about so he drifts off and eats his toasts in silence. It’s nice, the casualty.

Regulus seems happy this morning. He probably had a good time with his friends. He's been nice to him and now he’s rambling with sparkles in his eyes about some author he thinks is a genius. James wishes Sirius was up so he could get to see his brother so lively and passionate. He’s his brother, thought, so he probably already knows this side of him.

It’s Tuesday and James’s set at his desk, trying really hard to find new lyrics. He’s alone because Regulus is out doing something with his friends and Sirius is on a date with Remus. He asked Marlene and Peter if they were free but they both had others plans. Lily is at work and Mary is studying. His other friends are also all busy.

So, it’s Tuesday and despite having all the time in the world, James feels like he’s wasting it by not being productive enough. He went for a run this morning, played a little bit of basketball with his neighbour, took a shower and even tidied his room. He wrote three songs that he’s sure Regulus will absolutely hate and now he’s trying to work on a fourth one. But he’s run out of ideas and all his rhymes sounds corny just like Peter always told him. He’s stuck on one particular line that he really likes but feels kind of tacky. It’s so frustrating! He’s about to give up when his phone rings. His face lights up as he picks up.

“Mum!”

“Hi, baby. How are you?” Euphemia’s voice sounds like summer and flowers. It’s warm and comfortable and he loves listening to his mum talk so much! Now that she’s calling, he realizes that, oh, he misses her a lot. They talked on the phone only two days ago but it’s not the same as talking to her in person. Listening to her voice directly. Helping her folds laundry while she explains something that happened to her at work. Or watching her cutting vegetables as he talks about his new song idea. He sighs softly.

“I’m fine, Mum. A little bored. And you? How is dad? And the cats? How are my babies?” he presses and he can hear her soft laughter.

“Your father is doing alright. He’s gone to Hope’s today, actually. And the cats are fine, too. They want to thank you for asking, wait a second. Meow, meow!” as she imitates the cats, Jelly and Bean, James erupts in a loud laugh.

“Hello my babies! I love you!” he says in a baby-like voice, then calming down. “Dad isn’t there, then? Is everything okay with Hope?”

“She’s okay, yes. Don’t worry about her, baby. She just needed some help with a shelf or something,” he can hear the smile in his mum’s voice and knows to trust her. She has never lied to him. Euphemia Potter is honest to a fault. Sometimes it can hurt but it’s never malicious. James would like to be more like her. He tends to hide when things get too difficult to deal with. But he’s working on it!

“Oh, right. That’s good, then. You’ll tell them I said hello!” he smiles, happy to know that his friend’s mum is okay.

“Always.”

When they were younger, Remus lived with his mum and dad in Cardiff. But then his dad took his own life when Remus was thirteen and, even since, his mum had troubles letting him live. He’d already been in an accident, a few years prior, where a feral dog had attacked his head, leaving him scarred for life. Hope would always be terrified that something was going to happen to her little boy if she took her eyes off him for one second. They both really struggled with the situation.
For James and his friends, it was hard to watch as Remus tried to deal with everything by himself. He was just a teenager like them but he had to do so much stuff all alone since his mum couldn’t leave her bed on some days. It was during that time that him and Sirius got really close. They were best friends before that but something changed in their relationship and James never really put the finger on it. Now he gets it.

When Remus finished school, he went back living with his mum for six months before deciding it couldn’t go on like this. His first plan was to ask his aunt, Mariem, for help but he didn’t know her very well. She didn’t like his father much and had not talked to her sister in years. His second idea was to put his mum in a hospital so she would always be with someone. He couldn’t go through with it. When James mentioned it to his mum, she proposed they’d help her move closer to their house. In a nice flat in their village, not far from Norwich. By the seaside. Not even fifteen minutes away from them.
Remus and Hope weren’t really sure about it. Mostly Remus. He hated to be pitied and hated even more the idea to be turned into a charity case for rich people. As he said it himself. But, after some time, he finally accepted. He knew he couldn’t leave his life for his mum’s sake. He had to choose. And he chose to trust James’ parents.
Now, Euphemia and Hope are the bestest of friends. Having tea together every day and listening to every James’ song on loop. Remus won’t say it because he’s terribly shy about it but the Potters know how grateful he is. He writes letters to his mum every week and, in them, he said to pass along his thanks to Euphemia. And being the nosy woman she is, she obviously told James.
She loves gossip and she shares this passion with him. His dad finds it really funny but never take part in the gossiping.

“So, tell me, how is it going with Regulus? Are you being nice to him?” Euphemia asks after a beat of silence.

“Hum, yeah. We’re making progress!”

“That’s good. I’m proud of you, James,” he feels the love in her voice and it warms his heart. “By the way, when is the start of you contest again? I wanted to put it in my calendar but your dad troubled me and now I’m not sure anymore,” she sounds annoyed but James knows she’s just joking.

“We’re waiting for the first preliminary round results. And then, we’ll have to submit our first song by the end of the month! We haven’t really written anything yet, though. I was trying to, today, but I’m no good without Regulus.”

“Don’t’ worry, baby. I’m sure you’ll find your voice. I know it’s important to you but don’t pressure yourself too much, okay?”

“Yes, mum. I’ll try,” he smiles gently against his phone. It was exactly what he needed to hear. She knows him so well.

“Good. Tell Regulus I said hello and now, go write me a pretty little song about the weather in London, please. I miss your voice!” she laughs and he joins her for a moment.

“Bye, mum, I love you!”

“I love you too, my baby. Sleep well and eat all your veggies, alright?”

“Always!”

They both hang up after saying I love you ten more times and James sighs happily. He has a song idea. A good one. So, he gets up, grabs his phone and sits on the floor, his guitar propped up on his knees. He starts the recording and then sings. He loses track of the time as he plays and plays and sings. When he stops, his voice is a little bit hoarse and his fingers are numb. But he has written five songs. Three silly tunes for his mum and Hope, a personal one he’ll never share with anyone and a true song that could work for the contest.

He's not sure it’s good enough as it is right now but he’s got the feeling that Regulus could turn his awkward phrases into something way better. He trusts him to do wonders. And he believes it’ll be easier for them to work on a skeleton than to try to make a song together from scratch. They’re never on the same length long enough for them to like each other’s ideas, anyway.

Content with himself, he goes to the kitchen to get some water. That’s when he finds Regulus standing in the hallway. His shoes are neatly put away in the entryway and he’s already taken off his jacket. He seems frozen in place. James doesn’t know how long he’s been there because he was lost in his own world and didn’t hear the door. He hopes Regulus wasn’t there when he sang all of his stupid songs.

“Oh, hi. My mum said hello,” he offers him a smile and catches the moment Regulus’ body starts working again.

“Your mother came here?”

“No, she called me! Anyway, I didn’t hear you come in! Did you have a good afternoon? I didn’t think you’d come home so early.”

“Early? James, it’s past eight,” as always, Regulus talks with a bit of indifference but he sounds surprised, too. “What were you doing?”

“Oh, I was working on songs. I guess I didn’t see the time pass!” he laughs and moves around him so he can go into the kitchen. Regulus follows him but doesn’t add anything. He’s just watching him. It should make James uncomfortable but he’s used to Regulus’ stares and silences by now.

James pours water in a glass and drinks all of it in one go before turning back to Regulus, “I wrote nine songs today! Seven of them won’t be of any use for us but I made one really good. I think you could work on it and, like, rewrote it better? We still have time if you don’t like it but it would be nice if we had a song by the end of next week. This way, we’ll be able to repeat and record it in time!”

“What about the last one?”

“What last one?”

“You said you wrote nine songs and two only were good. What about the last song?”

“Oh, no, that’s not important. It’s personal stuff. Wouldn’t do us any good to use for the Battle!” he dismisses it and put his glass directly in the dishwasher. He thought the discussion was finished but Regulus walks towards him.

“No, James, you don’t get it. Your songs are crap because you write them for other people. Art isn’t made for others. You have to write your songs for yourself. That’s why people like Pettigrew or Dorcas are so good at song writing. They create their art for themselves,” he’s looking at him like something just clicked in his brain but James simply scoffs.

“Peter already told me that. And I already told him that I think he’s wrong. Art is made to be shared with people, to connect with them! I love writing silly songs because I know they’ll make the people I love smile. That’s what I want to do with my art.”

“It’s a waste. This personal song you wrote is the best I’ve ever heard from you.”

“You… You w-were there?”

“Yes. I didn’t want to intrude or anything but… It’s really good. I’d understand if you don’t want to use it for the competition but you shouldn’t brush it under the mat,” his stare is intense and James hadn’t realized they were so close until Regulus’ hand brushes against his arm while talking. He swallows and nods slowly.

“O-okay. I’ll keep that in mind. But please, don’t tell the others. It’s… just thoughts in my mind. You know how it is… I’m kind of embarrassed,” he sighs softly before gesturing between their two bodies, “Uh, could you…” Regulus hastily steps back, almost tripping on the rug, his eyes suddenly big with surprise.

“Sorry. I wont’s say anything. Your song is good. I’ll go take a shower,” he’s already out of the room when James’ heart start pounding again. He can’t help but smile to himself.

Regulus said he liked his song. That’s a first! He punches the air in a triumphant move and hums happy melody while cooking dinner. He’s not sure why but getting Regulus’ validation feels highly rewarding to him. Maybe he could write a song about that, someday.

***

The next day, everyone is there. The four of them are sitting in the spare room of James’ flat and listening to the song he wrote. The one he thought would be good, not the personal one. Regulus doesn’t seem to mind. Remus nods in rhythm and Sirius seems already thinking how to make the other instruments work with the track.

“You wrote that by yourself?” he finally asks when the song ends.

“Yes! I thought it’d be easier for Regulus to write over lame lyrics than the two of us trying to create something from scratch,” James beams at them and Sirius turns to his brother.

“Can you fix this song? Like, the message isn’t that bad and I think it works well with the melody but, god, James has no sense of poetry!” he laughs when James throws a pen at him and continue smiling to Regulus.

“I agree with you. It’s not the best song but it can be salvaged.”

“I think we need to start with the piano on this,” says Remus very seriously. “It’ll add some life to the sound. Then James starts singing and Sirius and I join you two with the rhythm.”

“Moony, you’re always so good at this!” James smiles and he watches as his friend shily smile back at him. They haven’t talked about it but he’s sure Sirius told him that he knows about their relationship. Now, they’re both sitting against each other, Remus legs tucked under Sirius’.

“Well, I’ll start by transcribing the song and can get on it with the lyrics, okay?” Remus pushes gently Sirius and gets up, grabbing James’ phone, a pen and blank music sheets. The other three nod and gather around the desk where James already put down his lyrics on a journal, matching Regulus’. He sits on the stool; James and his guitar stay on the floor next to him and Sirius settles directly on the table, not minding the mess he’s making while doing so.

“We could put some french in it!” Sirius proposes when they get stuck on a certain phrase. James wants to keep it but they can’t make it work in the way Regulus would like.

“French?” he looks at his brother with attention. “Can James speak french?”

“Nu-uh,” James shakes his head before adding, “But if you teach me the words I’ll learn! It’s not like I’d have to understand every single French people in the world. Just you,” he smiles at him and laughs when Regulus rolls his eyes.

He seems to think about it for a few seconds before taking the pen from Sirius’ hands. He scribbles something on the paper then holds it out for James to take. He reads the words on it then try to say it, with his terrible accent.

“Je souisse oun imbaysile?”

At that, Sirius burst into laughter. So much that he almost falls off the table. Regulus’ mouth twitches to a smirk and James knows he said something stupid.

“What? What did I said wrong?” he tries to ask but the brothers don’t answer him. Instead, Regulus writes something else. This time, he holds the paper up next to his face and put his finger under the words as he says them.

“Je veux me perdre sur ta peau encore et au corps. Go on, say it.”

“Je veux,” James starts and Regulus nods along.

“Me perdre.”

“Not so hard on the R sound, James. It has to be softer.”

“Me perdre,” he repeats, not putting so much emphasis on his Rs. When Regulus seems satisfied, he continues, “Sur ta peau, encore et au corps.

This time, he minds his Rs and tries to replicate exactly the way Regulus said it. He repeats it once again, all together and he’s glad to see his teacher smiles gently.

“Bien. It’s not perfect but it’ll do. I’ll try to add more lyrics in french, then.”

“Nice! What did it mean, what I just said?” James asks Regulus who’s back to scribbling in his journal. It’s Sirius who answers him, gazing towards Remus.

“I wanna lose myself on your skin, again and again. Well, the last words mean to the body but it’s a pun because encore and au corps sounds almost the same,” he brings back his eyes on his best friend and they smile at each other.

“Oh french puns! That’s neat! I didn’t know you were funny, Regulus!”

“Maybe I’m only funny in french. You wouldn’t know,” he retorts, the shadow of a smile in his voice.

“Then you’ll have to teach me more!” it was directed to Regulus but it’s Sirius who answers him.

“Sure, mate. But my french’s a bit rusty!”

Regulus has been playing piano for most of his life.

He remembers his first lesson as if it was yesterday. He was too little to sit on the stool by himself and his teacher had to help him up. He didn’t know how to read sheet music; he couldn’t even touch the pedals. But, as soon as his fingers brushed against the keys, Regulus knew he was born for this. For music. The feeling made his stomach bubble with happiness. Even if the sounds were horrendous, even if he was lost in the partition, he knew this world was made for him. And he didn’t care how hard and frustrating it could be at times. All he wanted was to play. At six years old, he spent more time learning piano than playing with his toys. He loved the feeling, the way he had the impression his world was expanding every time he understood how to play something.

He was a fast learner. After every lesson, he could spend hours explaining what he had learned to Sirius. He wanted to share his love of music with his brother. Their mother wasn’t pleased with that, though. She went from being pride of him to banning all instruments from her house, whatsoever. The only place where Regulus was authorized to play piano was at the conservatory, with his teacher. Sirius was never allowed to come with him.
Once, she punished him because he was silently tapping on the dinner table, trying to remember the piece he had learned that day. He never did that ever again after this.

Despite all that, he used to think he’d become a musician someday. He could see himself at twenty, dressed to the nines, playing in front of huge audiences every night. Everyone would pay to come see him but he’d always keep a free seat for his brother. Front row. All of his shows would be sold out. People would come from other countries just to hear him play. He used to yearn for this kind of attention. He wanted to be able to perform in front of every single person he knew. He dreamed about being known for his art. He was ten years old.

Instead, he’s now twenty-two and feeling sick to his stomach. Sirius suggested they play some shows before the start of the Battle. To improve their group coherence or something like that. Regulus agreed because it’s not a bad idea. He’s starting to regret it. Even if it’s only a party organized by one of his brother’s friends, it still means playing in front of people. He only ever played for others at family’s gathering and the conservatory recitals. Most of the time, no one really cared about him or how he played. And he didn’t care about them either. He was just happy to finally be able to show Sirius what he had learned. Now, his hands are shaking and everything sounds distant. He feels ridiculous. It shouldn’t be so scary to play a little bit of piano in front of drunk people.

Especially because the others don’t seem to care as much as he does. Sirius and Remus disappeared in some bathroom or anywhere they can kiss each other in secret and, before that, they were setting up their stuff without even paying attention to the rest of the world. And not far from him, James is buzzing with energy, as usual. Regulus can’t help but watch, the way he slightly shifts from one foot to the other, balancing his body in a silent rhythm feels oddly soothing. He’s warming up his voice and it sounds lovely. It’s the only thing he’s able to hear throughout the ringing in his ears.

Their eyes meet but no one says anything. Regulus looks down and flips the pages of his journal, trying to busy himself with it. Doing his best to look serious and composed. It’s not the moment to let James’ eyes distract him from the anxiety bubbling in the pit of his stomach. It’s been a week but he can’t stop thinking about the song he heard. James’ voice was full of a sincerity he had never expressed before. It’s so strange to know they shared this moment without the other realizing it. And he feels really ashamed of the way he acted afterwards. How he lost himself in the moment. If he had been even more stupid, he would probably have kissed him. It’s a disaster.

Regulus tries so hard to convince himself he’s not in love with James but he has to face it; he keeps falling a little bit more for him every day. At the start, he tried to feel annoyed at James’ habits. Now, he can’t help but find them cute. And it’s becoming harder and harder to act as if James was the most irritating person ever. He makes him laugh and he makes him feel at home even thought it’s not the case. Regulus feels fucked. Barty and Evan were right and it makes him want to scream.

He thought the situation was going to help him get over his crush. The first night he spent in the flat, he tried to remember all the times James bothered him when they went to the same school. All the times James made him feel small and awkward and he hated it. But now, he’s grown and can only think of these days as good memories from a not-so-good childhood. When his brother stopped talking to him for three months after a really bad holiday, James was still greeting him in the hallways every day. Or when upperclassmen started stealing his schoolbooks only because he was Sirius’ brother and James The Righteous made them stop and obtained new books for him… And the time Barty broke his cassette player by accident and James offered him a new one for his birthday, less than a month later? It was as if James always knew what was going on his in life without ever talking to him. It was kind of a guardian angel situation of sorts, when he was fourteen and didn’t know better.

James is such a good person; it breaks his heart a little. Because he knows, now, that all he ever did for him was only because he has the gentlest and kindest soul ever. Even when Regulus tried to push him away, James never thought ill of him. Even when they argue, he’s still trying to understand the others’ point of view. Ugh. Why can’t he be an arse? It would be way easier if he was a bad person.

“Reggie? Are you there?” Sirius’ voice brings him back on earth and he blinks before realizing he’s been talking to him for a little while, now.

“Uh, yes. Sorry. What was it?” he looks around and James isn’t there anymore.

“We’re going on soon. You ready? Prongs said we should start off with Beans. You know how it goes, right? If not, we can change, it’s okay,” his brother smiles at him, pressing a hand on his shoulder. It grounds him. The anxiety’s still turning his stomach upside down but he feels a bit better than before. He nods, opening his journal to find the pages for the song. Beans. They wrote it a week ago. It’s a fun song, perfect to start a little show like this one.

“No, it’s a good one. I’m ready,” he lies and follows his brother on the makeshift scene, in the corner of the room.

Most people are already drunk or well on their way to it. He recognizes a few people. Pettigrew, McKinnon and Lily are there. She offers him a bright smile when their eyes meet and he returns it. He can feel his hands trembling again and tries to focus on the keys when he’s front of his keyboard. He wishes he could turn his brain off. Focusing only on the songs and the music and nothing else. It was easier when he was ten and playing for his family. It was his escapism, then. It’s not the same anymore and a lump grows in his throat. At least he can be glad that none of the songs they’re playing tonight require him to sing. He’d probably fuck it up.

The setup for their show is nice because he’s in the back corner of the room. Remus and his drums set are on the opposite side, towering over the band. It’s relieving to not be the biggest on the stage. Remus’ really imposing due to his height and his instrument. But it’s a good thing. Especially now. Regulus’ thankful for the portable keyboard. It feels intimate. It’s not like when he had to play on a Grand piano, all alone, in the centre of the stage or the ballroom, back at his parents’ house. Here, in the middle of their delimited place, James stands proud. He’s still adjusting stuff on his guitar and microphone. He looks really good tonight. His eyes are sparkling behind his glasses and it’s clear he already made that a million times before. He’s like a fish under water. It feels like he was born to be on stage. And it’s probably the case. Sirius’ the same. He’s on the side, standing in front of Remus and talking with him, tuning his bass. He looks like a rockstar with his eyeliner and ponytail. A group of girls are trying to speak to him but he’s not paying attention to them. A true musician in the flesh.

Regulus feels a little bit out of place and is currently regretting all of his life choices. Why did he agreed to be a part of this band? Why on earth would he do that to himself? To stay by Sirius’ side? To share something with James Potter? He’s a fool. His hands are shaking harder and harder by the second. He can’t even hold his journal anymore. He’s going to throw up. He refuses to lift his head because he’s afraid to see how many people are watching them. Are watching him.

“Hey, Regulus, you’re okay?” James’ voice sounds distant and yet feels so close. When he doesn’t respond, he continues, “There, drink some water. It’ll help with the stress,” his hands find Regulus’ and press a cold bottle in it. Like Sirius’ hands on his shoulder, it grounds him and his focus shifts back on the present.

James’ hands are still around his and he’s standing in front of him, shielding him from the public. It’s as if they were the only people in the room. He says nothing and drinks the water, concentring on the liquid in his system instead of anything else. James probably felt how hard his hands were shaking, he feels ridiculous.

“There, easy. Sirius told me it’s your first time playing in front of people. You should have said! I know it can be really nerve-wracking.”

“As if your nerves can wrack,” Regulus sighs, feeling better than a few moments before. He tries to sound funny but it comes out pitiful.

“What?” James laughs softly. “It may not show but I get really, really, nervous every time we have a show. Like, the moment before, I feel like I’m going to throw up from the excitement and the stress. I can’t sit tight. I could run a marathon to ease the nerves!”

“I don’t believe you.”

“I swear!” his smile is childish but sincere and he suddenly takes Regulus’ hand, again, to press it against his chest. Right above his heart. “See? You could light up all of London if you used my heart as a battery!”

And it’s true. James’ heart going really fast. Regulus’ is probably matching his rhythm, now, but not only because of the anxiety. It’s so intimate to be this close. To know they share something. He doesn’t know how long they stay like this but when James lets go of his hand, it feels like he’s a thousand years older.

“O-okay, yeah. I’m sure you’d be able to illuminate the entire country,” he lifts his gaze, keeping his hand in place, and they share a smile. It looks tender but it’s dark in the room and Regulus’ anxiety probably clouding his judgment. Yet, he can’t look away from James.

“You know, I’m sure you’ll do well. And even if tonight’s bad, it’s not like it’s important. In the end, we’re just having fun. Okay?”

“You say that but isn’t this your livelihood?”

“Well… I’m rich. It’s okay if we fuck up a gig or two! But don’t tell Remus I said that,” again, he laughs. This time, Regulus finally drops his hand and he tries to laugh with him. He feels calmer.

Finally, James goes back to his place. He shuffles a few more times with his stuff then greets their public in the microphone, his voice filling the room with ease. When he speaks, everyone listens. He introduces the band, he jokes about Pettigrew’s being replaced and Regulus can’t help but smile when he hears James calling him a genius. Someone shouts something and everyone laugh. The mood is set. Remus taps his drumsticks and the song starts.

Soon, the anxiety inside of Regulus disappear. He still feels restless and stressed but it’s not in a bad way. He’s focused on the songs. Lost in his mind but still tied to the rest of the band by the melody. He’s not alone on stage and he feels it. They didn’t rehearse a lot before tonight. Just a few times here and there. Him and James played a bit more when it was just the two of them in the flat, too. It’s not the same at all. Here, their public is engaging in the music. People sings the chorus with James; they shout when he smiles or winks at some girl in the room. They scream when Sirius does his rockstar stuff, stealing the spotlight on every occasion. Even Remus takes part in the theatrics, throwing one of his drumsticks at the public. A guy catches it and he seems over the moon.

Regulus finds it easier to perform by the last song. He’s fully into it now. Their setlist has been decided a week ago but, suddenly, he hears James speaking in the microphone. He’s talking to him.

“I’d like to try a new song tonight, are you on board, Reggie?” he smiles at him, brightly. Regulus doesn’t even know what he wants to do but he feels like he can’t refuse him anything. He’s too pretty for that.

When James starts playing the melody on his guitar, quickly followed by Remus, Regulus realizes his mistake. It’s one of the few songs they wrote for the Battle. One that didn’t make the cut but they still kept because it was a good one according to Sirius. The problem is… It’s a song where Regulus sings a verse because it’s in french and James thought it’d be a nice touch if he was the one singing it. They only rehearsed it twice, though. Regulus isn’t prepared to sing. Not now. Not like that. He’s very underprepared and absolutely not feeling it.
He feels like he’s going to die. It’s not a nice sensation.

James doesn’t wait for him. He starts the first verse, eyes closed and hands strumming gently the chords of his guitar. He’s really pretty. Too pretty. It’s sickening. His voice fills the room with pure energy. Everything’s electric. Regulus’ entire body is vibrating. But it doesn’t feel right. It’s like he’s getting sucked into something he doesn’t want to be a part of. He never said he was okay to sing tonight. James should’ve known because he saw his state before going on stage. Is he that blind or just incredibly egocentric? It suddenly hurts too much to look at him.

“I found you looking at me, your eyes are so pretty. Your gaze haunts my nights and I can’t sleep anymore. All because of you. Please can you reverse the spell you cast on me? I’d kiss you anyway. You don’t need magic to make me love you. I started looking for you before even realizing what love was.

It’s the end of the first verse, then the chorus. Regulus has to sing. He knows the song. He knows the words. He’s the one who wrote them. But when he opens his mouth, nothing gets out. For a second that feels like an eternity, there’s not a single sound in the world. It’s him and the silence. It’s deafening. When he looks up, his eyes immediately fall on James. He’s blinded by the spotlight so he probably can’t see him back. He said he knew what anxiety was but he doesn’t look like it. Is his heart still beating so hard? Regulus’ is now the loudest thing in the entire universe. He’s almost sure everyone in the room can hear it. He feels betrayed by some pretty words from some pretty boy. He wanted to believe that they were the same. That they shared experiences and feelings. But he has never been so wrong. James’ a liar. He put a curse on him. He has to break free.

Again, Regulus tries to sing but his throat is full of fear. He’s going to throw up. He’s going to die. The others probably realized something was wrong because the song resume to the chorus, James’ voice filling once again the void. He’s smiling. Regulus doesn’t need to see his face to hear the smile on it. How can he be smiling at a moment like that? It’s the end of the world and James is happy.
Regulus knows he has to get out of there or, at this rate, he’s going to die of a heart attack before the end of the song.

His legs are moving before his mind can even understand what he’s doing. He only vaguely looks at his brother before rushing out of the stage. He has no problem finding a bathroom to lock himself in, struggling a few seconds with the key before giving up. He leans and then drop himself against the tub, drained of all energy. His whole body is shaking and he can’t breathe. He can’t breathe. His vision’s blurry and there’s a loud buzzing in his ears. His mind is a hurricane and it’s making it so much harder to focus on anything else but its own panic. He blacks out. He doesn’t know for how long he’s staring at the ceiling before he feels himself coming back to earth.

And suddenly, he feels insanely furious. Like he has never been before. He’s angry at James for putting him on the spot like that, without any warning. He’s such a selfish liar! He thought he had changed but he’s still the same twat he’s known since he was eleven.
Regulus’ angry at Sirius for making him join the band. And angry at himself for going along when he should’ve said no. He was so scared to put a strain on their new-found relationship, he refused to set his own boundaries. And he wanted to prove James wrong. Wanted so bad to show himself he was over everything that had happened when they were kids.
He’s so good at lying to himself.

Regulus feels like crap because he let it happen without saying anything. He’s having a panic attack over something so stupid that could’ve been avoided if he wasn’t so spineless. If his mother was there, she’d probably berate him for acting so foolishly. And she’d be right to do so. When was the last time he took a moment to think about what he’s doing? When was the last time he used his fucking brain?

Since he left Paris in a hurry, he never allowed himself to take a break. If he had, he would’ve realized how screwed up he is. Oh lord, he fucking hates himself.

Coming here was a mistake. Sending this text to his brother was a bad idea. Ruining his future on a whim, all that for nothing. All because it felt like his past was catching up with him and it frightened him. His mother was right, he’s pathetic. He’s a coward. He’s not made for music or playing on stage in front of people. Tonight showed him that he should’ve been listening to his parents. The moment he saw James in the entrance of the flat, he should’ve taken his bags and gone back to Paris. Maybe it’s not too late. He’ll have to take some classes again and work harder for his credits but… Maybe it’s possible. He’ll live with Barty. He’ll find a job. He’ll find a way.

He taps his pocket, searching for his phone and realizes he let it on his keyboard, along with his journal. His most precious belongings left behind. He can’t even call for help. Who would he even call? Evan’s probably still working. Pandora and Barty are too far away. Dorcas maybe? At least she’d take the time to listen to him… If only he had his phone. The idea of getting up and walking back out there to retrieve it is nauseating.
This time, he throws up. Standing on top of the loo just in time before his entire stomach clears itself from everything he has eaten in the last day. It’s awful.

He’s just finishing rinsing his mouth when someone knocks at the door. Sirius’ voice is muffled by the wood and the party’s sounds but he recognizes it easily. It’s his brother after all. He’d recognize the sound of his voice in a thunderstorm.

“Reg? Are you there?” he asks, sounding a little worried. At least he cares enough that he came check on him. This thought helps him move and he gets up, his legs still a bit weak.

Regulus opens the door and is surprised to see Remus and James standing behind his brother. James is so nosy, of course he’d come. He can’t bear not being the centre of the universe for more than five seconds. And Remus? It’s probably because he’s attached by the hip to Sirius. Without a word, the three of them push past him and they close the door when everyone’s inside the bathroom. It’s clearly cramped but no one seems to mind, except for Regulus.

“I was so worried! What happened,” starts asking Sirius before getting cut by James’ “I’m sorry, I am so, so, so sorry!” who gets himself interrupted by Remus, “Do you need water or to eat something? James told us you didn’t feel good before the set.”

They’re way too overwhelming and, despite trying his best to act as if everything’s fine, Regulus has to sit down on the edge of the tub. He focuses on his breathing and resists putting his hand on his heart to feel it beating. He feels small and stupid and he’s angry again. He wants to go home. And that’s what he tells his brother when Sirius crouches in front of him, pressing his hands on his knees. The touch is comforting.

“Home? Sure, James can take you. It’s not that far,” he smiles at him and it’s such a familiar scene. Just like when they were kids. When their mum would snap at them for something small and insignificant but he’d feel so guilty about it. Sirius was always the one cheering him up, always standing between her and him.

“No, not there. I want to go back to Paris,” the lump in his throat makes it hard to speak and he’s afraid of Sirius’ reaction. He closes his eyes. Breathe in. Breathe out. His hands are trembling again.

“No. You can’t,” all the sweetness has vanished from his brother’s voice. He sounds rude and harsh but Regulus can hear the fear crippling under his tone.

“It’s okay, Sirius. I’m fine. I… I’m not like you, okay? I realized that tonight. I’m not made to be on stage. I just… I want to go home. I want to get my life back. It was stupid to come here, anyway. We both know that,” it’s not the whole truth but it’s how he feels right now. He wants to disappear. He wants to crawl back into his hole, away from everyone.

“No. No…. I don’t know why you changed your mind but you can’t go back. Stay. Come live with me, okay? I’ll sleep on the couch! You don’t have to be a part of the band if you don’t want to. But don’t go back there. Please,” his voice cracks and when Regulus lifts his head, he feels really guilty. All of this is his own fault. He shouldn’t have reacted the way he did back then. Shouldn’t have texted his brother. Sirius was out of this. Out of their house. Out of the family. And with one single text, Regulus brought him back in. He just realized that. All it took was one word to make Sirius responsible of his life again. Just like when they were children.

Because Sirius fucking cares. He always did but was too young to show or act like it. Too young to put words on his feelings. That’s why Regulus was never really mad at him when he let him alone with their parents. He understood the need of survival. But Sirius cares and it means he will never let him go again. And Regulus perfectly knew that when he texted him that time. When he asked for his help. When he decided to pack his bags and fly Paris on a whim. He knew what he was doing. What it meant. And this guilt is consuming his heart, right now.

“Reg… I won’t let you do that. You don’t have any reason to go back. I need you to stay. I need you… To be my brother,” Sirius’ face is buried under his tears. He’s crying like a little kid. At this moment, it feels like he’s the younger brother. It hurts so much.

“I’ll always be your brother, Sirius. You’re being silly,” he tries to smile at him but he can’t quite do it. He's making a strong effort to keep his emotions from spilling over into his face. He’s one second away from breaking down. He puts a trembling hand on his brother’s shoulder and gently pushes him away.

Behind him, Regulus catches a glimpse of movement. James and Remus are apparently silently debating on whether or not they should do something. He looks over at Remus and gently nods towards Sirius. If there’s someone who can take care of him right now, it’ll probably be his boyfriend. God bless Remus for being quick on catching things. He kneels down next to Sirius and whispers something into his ear, wiping gently the tears off his face. It takes only a few seconds before they both stand back up and Remus guides him outside the room, without much difficulty. The conversation wasn’t really done but Sirius probably felt it was not the right time to talk about that so he follows him without protesting.

James stays still a moment, eyes on the door before turning back to Regulus. That’s when he notices he’s holding his journal and phone. He puts them very carefully next to the sink and takes a step towards the exit before sliding down to sit on the floor, his back against the door.

“What are you doing?” Regulus can’t help but wonder out loud. His voice cracks but he doesn’t care.

“I don’t know. It felt like you might need company.”

At this moment, it’s like it’s been since Sirius started school. Since they started to drift apart. Regulus has always been angry at himself and at Sirius and, overall, at the world. But he could never hate his brother. Not in a million years.
And, as it’s always been the case, James Potter is the easiest person in the world to hate.

“I don’t want to see you. You’re an arsehole.”

“I know. I… I get that you’re angry at me and you should. Because I’m a prick. But, I swear, you don’t need to go back to Paris or whatever. I’m really sorry. Like, I’ve rarely been that sorry, ever. And I’ve been sorry a lot of times because, like you said, I’m an arse and I hurt people,” he looks at him with big puppy eyes and it infuriates Regulus even more. If he thinks he’ll be able to escape this situation by being all lovely and pitiful he’s terribly wrong.

“I don’t care about your excuses. You knew I was anxious and you still put me on the spot. You’re selfish. You pretend to think about others and you act all mighty but, deep down, you’re just a piece of shite. You only care about yourself and looking good in front of a crowd.”

There’s a silence for a moment or two and then, “Do you want me to go?” James asks, already getting up. He doesn’t want to be here and it makes Regulus’ anger flares up even more.

“No. Stay. I want to be angry at you. I’ve been angry at you for the last ten years. It’s time to set the record straight. You don’t get to leave just because you’re too scared of someone not liking you.”

“Oh. Okay…” diligently, James sits back down. Even though he’s on the floor, they’re at eyes level. He’s too tall, it’s pissing Regulus off. Why does he get to be this perfect? Perfect isn’t the word. James’ flawed. But his pretty eyes are a terrible weapon. He knows how to hide his faults.

“You know I hate you, right?”

“Well… I thought we’d became friends. I mean, we shook hands and everything. We had some fun together these last weeks, right?”

“No. Everything you do irritates me. You’re insufferable and obnoxious. I can barely tolerate you presence and I only do so because I want my brother to be happy. I can’t fathom why he’s happy when he’s with you, thought. You’re a terrible friend. You only care about yourself and don’t get me started on how you’re full of prejudice,” the words flow out of his mouth without any effort. He knows it’s not really the truth but that’s how he has felt for the last ten years. That’s how he used to think when he was ten, fifteen and even twenty-two years old. He’s unable to stop talking. Regulus wants to hurt him just like James has hurt him for so long. He doesn’t even care that James didn’t know he did.

“Once you said you’re not an anger person but that’s only because everyone around you always acts the way you want. That’s why you’re not used to it. You refuse to see farther than your own little world. Your brain is probably the size of a pea and you have no respect for others. You’re just a fucking mummy’s boy and you’ll probably call her crying tonight because you always need to feel reassured whenever something doesn’t go your way

I can’t stand you. I fucking hate your guts. Since the moment you stole my brother from me, I’ve always hated you. And you refused to understand it for years, even when I told you to stop talking to me. Do you know how many times I wanted to punch you in the face in front of the whole school? All the times I felt humiliated by everything you did to me? I even skipped meals just to avoid you. Bet you never noticed that, right? Because you’re so self-centred!

Just because you peaked in high school doesn’t mean it’s the case for the rest of us. For the people who tried to survive school and being teenagers. Who are currently trying to become adults. You never grew up. You’re still acting like a fucking kid. Living with you is a nightmare because it feels like there’s only one grown-up in the flat. You have disgusting habits. It’s like sharing my space with a fucking teenager!

Also, I’m so tired of whatever it is that makes you act like the main character all the fucking time. Stop pretending you’re a star. You’re a twenty-something nothing has been. You don’t even have a job! You’re pursuing a dream that will never happen. Daddy’s money and your pretty face won’t get you anywhere. Just because you’re a good singer doesn’t mean you’ll have a career. I’ll bet that, in ten years, you’ll still be eating pasta on your couch, living off your parent’s bank account like a leech. You have no ambition, no career plan. You’re a nobody, James. And I fucking hate your face!”

He’s out of breath and can feel how hot his face is. From his fury, probably. He’s clenching his fists so hard his nails are hurting him. His eyes are full of angry tears and he’s on the verge of collapsing. In front of him, James seems too stunned to speak. He’s looking at him like he’s seen a ghost and Regulus has never seen such an expression on his face. He’s unreadable. The silence after Regulus’ rant is loud. Outside, they can still hear the ongoing party. It’s a while before James finally speaks. His voice small and kind of sad.

“I mean… You’re probably, mainly, right. But I swear I’m truthful when I say I never wanted to hurt you. Or anyone else, for that matter. I… I’m trying my best and I know it’s not perfect. But it’s all I have, Regulus,” he looks down on his hands, playing with the hem of his t-shirt. When he lifts up his head, his cheeks are wet. Still, his voice is clear from tears.

“I only ever wanted to be you friend. I… I thought you’d like to be friends with me and Sirius. He used to always talk about you. To me, when you came to school, it was obvious you’d be part of our group. I was so ready to be you friend, you know? And then you rejected me. And it should’ve been okay but, just like you said, I’m stupid and selfish and I can’t take no for an answer. I’m sorry.”

Slowly, James gets up. He taps his pants and shirt, takes a glance at himself in the mirror and, finally, stands in front of Regulus. He’s tall and looks down on him but he feels so tiny and hurt. Regulus has to remind himself that’s all he ever wanted. That’s how you cure an obsession. You kill it directly at the source. It was never love. It could never have been love.

“Again, I’m sorry. I’ll… I’ll go. I won’t be home tonight so, don’t worry. Maybe you should talk with Sirius. I didn’t get what’s going on with you two but it seemed important. Good night, Regulus.”

“Oh please, James. Stop acting all-mighty. Go cry to your mother and get off my back,” he can’t help but be mean. He’s still furious. No excuses will ever fix the mess that is his heart. Love is too complicated. Hate is the easiest thing in the world when it comes to James Potter.

That’s what Regulus chants in his mind when James finally gets out. That’s what he repeats all the way to the flat, walking slowly with his head down. That’s what he whispers to himself in the dark of his room, trying to stop the tears from falling. It’s easier to hate someone that’ll never love you back. It has to be.

There were only a few times in his life where James Potter felt like the saddest person in the entire universe. It was as if all the tears ever cried since the birth of humanity filled him to the brim, almost drowning him. As if all the sorrow of the world was pushing down his shoulders, crushing his heart. He was sure he’d never smile ever again.
And every time, he found comfort in his mother’s arms. He could share his grief with her and she’d always take a part of his hurt, tucking it away. She always knew what to say to ease the pain. It was easier to be sad with her because she was a mum. She knew everything. She had been a kid. A teenager. An adult. She had experienced everything he was going through. She was his light in the darkness.

Regulus’ words had hit him right in the heart, though, and it felt foolish to call his mum right now. And it sucks.

Every time he was sad, he felt as if it was undeserved. When he lost a basketball match even though his team was one of the best in the country. When Lily didn’t return his feelings even though he was a perfect gentleman. When he realized he didn’t love her as much as she deserved even though he did everything he was supposed to. When he came only fourth in their whole year and missed the spot of valedictorian even though he studied all the time in his last year. All the things that made him sad were because of life and fate. He wasn’t at fault. Like, he would have never been valedictorian because Remus and Lily and Dorcas were in his year. Some matches were made to be lost. They still won the tournaments, in the end. It didn’t mean anything on the long term.

It wasn’t his fault if him and Lily weren’t made to work. They were young and hopeful and, for what it’s worth, he still feels guilty about breaking her heart. Well, he didn’t really break her heart. Lily would have never loved him that way, not in this universe. They both know it wasn’t that serious and she’s happier now than she’s ever been. And he’s happy about it. That’s all there is to them and their relationship. Despite everything, the remorse is eating away at his heart. Even years later. Even tonight.

It doesn’t help that this time, it’s different. He’s feeling fucking miserable and it’s all his fault. There’s no one else to blame but him. James feels like it’s unfair. He wanted to turn around, run in the bathroom and shouts back at Regulus. He wanted to cry in front of him and beg him to forgive him. If he had listened to his stupid heart, he’d probably still be on his hands and knees, pleading Regulus Black to absolve him. He’s pitiful like that.

But he’s an adult. Or at least, he tries to act like one. And it’s fucking hard.

He had no idea Regulus was so full of thoughts and feelings towards him. Especially such negatives ones. He didn’t know how much he hurt him. And it puts everything in perspective. That’s maybe why Sirius didn’t told him that he was talking again with his brother. And why Remus didn’t want them to tell him they’re going out together. That’s probably why Peter left the band. And why Marlene doesn’t spend Christmas with his family anymore. Lily probably still resents him for taking advantage of her kindness. It’s certainly the reason why Regulus was so cold and distant towards him at the start.

How could have he not realized how fucked up all his relationships were? Why no one ever said anything to him before tonight? Was he manipulating everyone into thinking he was worth it? Into loving him? It’s awful. He’s the worst person in the whole world. He’s a monster. He deserves the death penalty. He’s just a kid and he doesn’t know what to do. He has never felt so lost before.

James doesn’t know where to go. He left the party because it felt wrong to stay. He didn’t tell Remus or Sirius because he didn’t know how to tell them. “Hi, mates, I’m currently feeling like a gigantic piece of shite so I’ll get out. See ya later!” Yeah… No. He can’t go to his flat because he told Regulus he wouldn’t be there. And he’d like to not be a liar on top of being the worst person ever walking the earth.

He has lot of friends. He could sleep on Frank or Emma’s couch. He could call Amos and ask him a favour. He could even crash at Molly’s place, as long as he doesn’t wake up baby William. And, before, he probably would’ve done it without a second thought. But now, it feels too much. He feels like he’s too much. They’re not even that close, when he thinks about it. They’re friends, sure. But only because they went to the same school. Only because they were in the same clubs. Maybe they’d like it better if he let them alone. This thought is what makes him decide to do the most adult thing and takes the night train to go to his parents’ house. He wants to pet his cats. He wants to hug his dad so tight he’ll feel small in his arms. He wants to fall asleep while his mum watches late night tv in the sitting room. He doesn’t take his phone out of his pocket. Not even to watch the time. It vibrates in his back pocket but he doesn’t pay any attention to it. It’s probably Alice asking him why he left his guitar at her place. Or maybe Remus took care of it and he’s sending him a text to tell him just that. It’s certainly not a message from Regulus, excusing himself for being too harsh on him.

Even if it was, James wouldn’t believe him. Because he saw how hurt and furious the guy was when he told him what he really thought of him. It was only the truth. Hard and cold and painful truth.

He cries in the train. The three hours ride goes by quickly and he cries all along. He doesn’t make any sound but by the time he knocks on his parents’ door, his cheeks are wetter than the North Sea and his glasses are smeared with tears.
Fleamont opens the door. He’s draped in his old-fashioned dressing-gown and wears his reading glasses. He was probably reading some study or doing late-night work. He looks puzzled to get a visit so well into the night and lets out a surprised acclamation when he sees his son on the landing.

“Jamesy? What is going on?” without waiting for an answer he wraps an arm around his boy’s shoulders and guide him inside, in the safety of their home. The door creaks softly when it closes and the familiar smell of his childhood house fills his lungs. He’s eleven again. He’ll never leave this place. He wants to stay here forever.

“Dad, am I a bad person?” is all that gets through James’ quivering lips before he breaks down and starts wailing like a little kid. His father doesn’t answer immediately, holding him tight as they sit on the couch. He doesn’t let go of him until Euphemia appears. She was surely taking a bath because her hair’s still wrapped in a towel and she smells like fresh flowers and oranges.

“Lord, what’s happening? What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Is Sirius alright? Did something happened to you?” she asks, almost throwing herself at her son, checking every inch of his face looking for injuries. Her hands are hot and comforting and she gently rub his cheeks, smearing the tears all over them.
James can’t speak so he shakes his head, trying to explain that nothing’s wrong. He just feels like crap. She seems to understand him because she doesn’t ask any more questions. Gently, she wipes his tears and, finally, Fleamont answers.

“I don’t believe you’re a bad person, James. You’re caring, cheerful and passionate. Sometimes, this passion leads you to make mistakes as it’s the case for everyone. If we were perfect, we wouldn’t be humans. You’re not a bad person. You’re still growing and learning. Your mother and me, we raised a proper young man. If you hurt someone and they told you that you hurt them, then you might have done something bad. But it doesn’t mean you’re inherently wicked. If it did, you wouldn’t be loved,” his dad’s voice is comforting and it makes him want to believe him. At least for tonight. He leans more against him, tired and sad.

“And we love you, baby,” adds Euphemia, gently stroking his hair. When he calms down, she adds, “Now, would you tell us what happened?”

“Regulus hates me and I think it’s all my fault and I don’t know what to do to fix things…” and, just like that, James finds his voice again and starts explaining what happened. From the start. The very beginning. He goes back all the way to his first day at school, the first time his path crossed Sirius’, to Regulus’ shouting at him in the bathroom at a party. It was late when he arrived and the sun is starting to come out when he finishes recounting everything. His mum’s hair is now wet and his dad put away his reading glasses. At some point, Fleamont made them three cups of tea that all been emptied in a matter of minutes. James stopped crying but his heart’s still weeping. It feels heavy in his chest and it’s not a good feeling.

His parents lead him to bed without adding anything, really. Murmuring some encouragements here and there. They felt like he needed to be heard tonight and that’s what they did. They listened to everything he had to say. Euphemia kisses his cheeks before closing the door of his room, leaving him alone for the first time in hours. It doesn’t matter because the moment his head touches the pillow, he falls asleep. It’s a dreamless night. More of a nap, really. Because his internal clock is finely tuned and he can’t sleep past eight. At least, he didn’t have nightmares about Regulus. It would have killed him.

For a while, he lays awake. Outside, he can hear the familiar sounds of a summer morning. Childs already laughing and shouting, all gathering in the middle of the street. Birds are happily chirping and a dog is howling in a garden somewhere. He looks around his room, smiling at the memories. It hasn’t changed since he was like ten or eleven. Sure, there are a few more posters on the wall, a guitar resting in a corner and a lot of trinkets all around the shelves. But he never took off the wallpaper full of ugly little clowns and circus horses. The curtains in front of his windows are still the same ones plastered with trains he loved when he was eight. Even his bedsheets never changed. They’re collectors one with bright red cars all over them. His bed is almost too short for him but he never told his parents because he just likes the way sleeping in it makes him think of happy memories.

He sighs and, without really knowing why, he thinks about what happened yesterday. Before the whole debacle. When he took Regulus’ hand to put it over his heart. The way it started beating even faster than it already was. He’s still not sure of why it happened. He’ll probably never know.
Despite that, his hand finds its way to rest on his heart. The beating is soft and regular. How come something so small and fragile can be so loud and burdensome?

***

This morning, his father made scrambled eggs and toasts. He’s sitting at the kitchen table, newspaper in one hand and his coffee mug in the other. It’s a nice cup James made for him when he was thirteen. There’s suns and basket balls all around except for the handle, which is red and yellow. His two favourite colours at the time. Next to him, his mum is happily humming along a song that’s playing on their old radio, reading her own journal. If Fleamont loves to know the early news, she prefers the latest edition of Homes & Garden. She’s been working on their exterior for the past four years. Always finding new things to improve and change. It’s her labour of love. They seem happy despite the short night. It’s at this moment James realizes how much he missed them.
Sure, he calls his mother almost every day and texts his dad as often but it’s not the same as sharing a meal with them. As quietly sitting next to them in the morning. When he sits down, he can’t help but smile.
Euphemia looks over her reading and matches his smile. It reaches her eyes and highlights her soft cheeks, “You look better than yesterday, baby.”

“Yeah, I’m fine, mum. I think I just needed to see you,” he takes up his fork and starts eating while they discuss the news. It’s not looking good in the world but there’s apparently new tips on building garden fences that’ll last at least two decades. His favourite soccer team won a match last week. The basket championships will begin in a few days. It’ll rain during the weekend. It’s a good day. Maybe Hope will come around for lunch. The neighbours adopted a new kitten and it’s the most adorable thing Fleamont ever saw in his life. Aside from his son, of course, my love.

***

A few hours later, James’ sitting in the grass outside, petting his cats and looking at the clouds, when his mum joins him. She smiles as she crouches down next to him, pressing her shoulder against his. They stay silent for a moment, enjoying the sun.

“So… What are you planning to do?” she looks so young wearing her overall and gardening sunhat. He finds parts of himself in her smile and eyes. He’s got his dad’s nose, though. And his hair. And he can also blame him for his short-sightedness.

“What?” he slightly turns his head, frowning.

“With Regulus. You’re not going to let things as they are, right? You have to talk to him, James.”

“Well… I’m not sure he wants me to talk to him. He seemed really against it, yesterday.”

“Don’t be like that, baby. You’re stronger than your fear. It’ll be unpleasant but you both need to talk about it. At least to give it some closure,” she picks up a flower and puts it in James’ hair, smiling. “Have you called Sirius or Peter, at least?”

“Uh… No. I think my phone’s gone flat.” it’s not really a lie. His phone is off. But it’s only because he chose to not plug it in during the night. He likes to be a coward, sometimes.

“Use the landline and call them, alright? You’ll feel better after talking to you friends,” she nudges him until he sighs and stands up, rolling his eyes. The cats meows, not pleased with losing their place on his legs.

“Okay, okay. I’m going. But can I stay one more night?”

“It’s your house too, Jamesy. You can stay forever.”

The words make his heart flutter and he brings them inside, smiling. He takes up the phone from its stand in the living room and sits on the floor, against the couch. Just like he used to when he was younger and spent hours on the phone, talking with Sirius over the holidays. Before he started spending every school time off with them. It’s not a surprise he still remembers his phone number by heart even without typing it for a few years. It rings for only a few seconds before someone picks up. All it takes is a breath for James to recognize Sirius. And it’s mutual.

“James! Where the fuck have you been? Why aren’t you answering your texts? I was so scared! Don’t ever disappear like that ever again!” he sounds really upset and James’ guilt comes back for another round.

“Sorry, mate. Uh… Have you talked to Regulus?”

“Reg? Yeah, I talked to him. He said he was really angry at you or something before leaving the flat. He’s gone to Rosier’s house. What happened?”

“Did he seem still mad at me?”

“James. It doesn’t matter, right now. I don’t care what happened between you too. I just want you to tell me if you’re okay,” he sounds restless. Did he even sleep at all last night? He hopes so or else the culpability will really kill him.

“I’m at my parents’ house. I’m fine. You don’t have to come. I think you should talk with your brother…”

“You are my brother, James. Regulus is fine, okay? You’re clearly not,” there’s shuffling on the other side of the line and James has not difficulty imagining Remus pressed against Sirius, listening to the call. He smiles fondly. He doesn’t deserve them.

“I’ll prepare your room. Is Remus coming?”

“Of course!” the voice’s coming from behind Sirius and it makes his smile grow bigger.

“I’ll tell my mum, then. Moony, yours will be there for lunch. But are you really sure you don’t mind coming?”

“For fuck’s sake, James, I’d come find you even if you were on the other side of the planet! You’re my best mate. It’s not only just words!” and it’s all it takes for James to believe him. They’re the best of friends, after all. Twin souls, even.

“Also, we’re already on the way,” adds Remus’ voice, more distant now.

“I’ll wait for you. You’re my best mate, too, Pads.”

“Of course I am!” James can easily hear the smile and it lingers in the air even after Sirius hung up.

Fuck the annoying voices in his head. His friends love him. Yesterday him was a prat. There’s no way Sirius and Remus and Pete would hate him and he’s sure of it because there’s no way on earth he’d hate them. They’re his best friends for a reason. Regulus… He loves to act as if he knows everything but he’s just a guy. Just like him. James goes upstairs and plug his phone in. Maybe he’ll send him a text. Maybe he’ll call. He’ll wait for his friend, though. He’s still a coward.

Sirius has no fucking clue what happened between his brother and James. Last he heard, everything was fine! Sure, Regulus seemed tense but he figured it was because of the nerves prior to their set. He had never played with the band before. James was his usual self and Remus was the loveliest lad in the world. He wore eyeliner on his bottom lash line and it made his eyes shine even more than usual. He was divine and, frankly, Sirius couldn’t tear away his gaze from him. That’s the effect Remus has on him. And it’s quite great. So, that’s why he wasn’t really paying any attention to anything else before the show. They spent at least thirty minutes snogging in a corner before Remus convinced him it was time to go on stage. He could’ve stayed here forever if it wasn’t for their show. If it wasn’t for Remus’ righteous mind, truly.

And that’s why he missed everything happening between Reg and James. He saw them briefly talk before going on stage and just thought they were discussing the last minutes changes of setlist. Or talking about music, in general. They don’t really talk except if it’s about the band or their songs. He doesn’t mind as long as they tolerate each other. It’s not perfect but he’s pretty sure they’ll get along one day if they’re forced to stay in the same place long enough. It’s his lifelong plan. His hopes are that they’ll like each other enough to help Remus organize his funerals, in exactly eighty-seven years. Then, they’ll all die of sorrow at the same time and meet him in the afterlife.

Well, at least that was the plan before everything happened. Their show was good. They were really bringing up the energy, everyone was having fun and he felt so cool on stage! It was their first time performing since Peter has left and he really needed to get back in the spotlights. He just loves it too much. Almost as much as he loves Remus. But don’t tell him he said that! Anyway, he had not realized something was wrong until the silence, quickly followed by James and Remus fumbling the notes until they got along, glossing over the second verse of their new song to get to the chorus, again. It was weird. They never did that, at least not on stage. Not in front of people. They’re the two most professional people he knows when it comes to music. Remus is such a perfectionist that even the idea of making mistakes could kill him. And James just wants to prove the world he’s not wasting his time pursuing dreams but a career.
That’s when he saw Reg run off stage, like literally running. And Regulus is not a runner. He’s a swimmer, at most. But that’s everything he’s ready to do when it comes to sports. Seeing him running is a really rare occurrence. It means urgency, danger. Fear.

They got to the end of the song but he couldn’t help to feel something was wrong. When they got off stage, James started babbling excuses and explaining what had happened. It was unintelligible, though. All Sirius got was that his brother had been feeling anxious about performing and James had somehow helped him? But not really? He kept repeating sorries and excuses but Sirius stopped listening. Why did Regulus not tell him anything about it? It was strange. It didn’t take long to find him because Alice’s flat wasn’t that big and there were only two bathrooms. A couple was shagging in the first so they headed to the second one and bingo, here he was, looking like he had just thrown up. That was very likely. It made Sirius feel even more guilty for not realizing sooner in what state his baby brother was. All of that could’ve been prevented if he had been paying more attention to him.

Immediately, he felt the urge to protect him from the world. Like he always did. That’s why, when Regulus told him he wanted to go back to France, it broke his heart. How could he protect him from so far away? And being in Paris meant increasing the chances of running into members of their family. The main reason why Regulus came in London in the first place. Why he came back to him.
There’s no way he’ll let him go back. Not without pleading and fighting before that. But, at the moment, all he could do was cry. He felt weak and shitty. He tried to argue but, to be honest, his mind was just in pure panic mode. When Remus suggested they step out of the room, he was only able to nod and follow him. The flat suddenly felt overcrowded and everyone was getting on his nerves. Remus stopped only to say something to Alice then lead him outside, in the fresh summer night air. The wind felt so chilly, he was afraid his tears would turn into ice.

“I can’t lose him again,” he had started crying again as soon as it was only the two of them again. Remus gently stroked his hand while guiding him to a nearby bench.

“You won’t, Sirius. He loves you too much for that,” as always, he knew exactly what to say and it felt really comforting to be by his side. If life was fair, they could stay together forever. It was his wish. His biggest dream. Being able to grow old with Remus.

But in his perfect life, Regulus was also there. By his side. “I hope… I’ll talk to him tomorrow. He won’t be gone, right?”

“Probably not, no. I don’t think he’d leave London without telling you about it before. But then again, Dorcas told me she didn’t know he was there until we told her so… We can’t be sure.”

Sirius nodded and they stayed a moment on this bench. At least long enough for him to calm down. When they got back to the party, Alice had told her Regulus and James apparently had a huge argument and they both left, leaving their stuff behind. She wasn’t mad or anything but seeing as James had not answered a single text from her or Frank, she wanted to make sure he was okay.
After hearing that, Remus had immediately started texting right and left to know if James was with someone. Peter, Marlene and Lily, the three people he was the most susceptible to be with answered that, no, they had not heard from him tonight. Soon, it turned into a manhunt. Lily was the one who called Euphemia.
When James called him, the day after, they were already on the way to the Potters’ house. Remus was driving, Sirius sited next to him on the passenger seat and Lily, Peter and Marlene shared the limited space of Remus’ cramped backseats.

Sirius had managed to talk with his brother briefly. Regulus was in a really bad mood but he swore to him he wouldn’t leave London. Not before they got to talk face to face, anyway. Sirius explained the situation to him, proposing that he joined them on their little road trip to the West Country but he refused. Apparently, he refused to be in the same room as James for the moment. The whole thing still doesn’t make any sense to him. He knows his brother and James aren’t the best of friends but they never got any huge fight like this. It’s very strange.

For now, he’s ringing the doorbell of the Potters’ house. It’s Effie who opens the door, smiling brightly. She seems surprised to see so many people on her landing but doesn’t say anything. She’s always happy to see her house full of life. She hugs him tightly, not letting go for a long minute before gently patting his head, in a maternal way. He’s so happy to see her. She does the same with Remus, making a funny remark on his height. Then she invites the rest of them inside, chitchatting with Peter and Marlene about their families before taking Lily’s bags from her hands and praising her beauty. As usual, Euphemia Potter is the nicest and gentlest woman to ever walk the earth. She looks at them all with only love and care in her beautiful eyes. She’s truly one of his favourite person in the whole world.

James is very, very, surprised to see them all in the living room. He’s probably coming out the shower because his hair’s even more dishevelled than usual and he’s only wearing shorts. He blushes when he realizes his state and quickly run upstairs, probably to put a t-shirt. Sirius laughs and looks around the room, observing the few changes since the last time he was there. It’s good to be back home. They leave their bags in the living room and Effie leads them to the kitchen. Hope Lupin is there. Sirius only met her a few times but it’s the first time since Remus and him started officially going out. She’s a mousy woman with blonde hair and a gentle smile. She looks very much like her son in a lot of way but he took most of his looks from his dad. Even so, they share the same clear brown eyes. They’re lovely. When she sees her son, she lights up. It’s like watching a flower blooming towards the sun.

Remus drops everything he has in his arms and quickly reaches her, embracing her without any second thoughts. He’s not one to ever show his feelings or demonstrate his affection in public but when it comes to his mum, he knows he doesn’t have the time to be shy about his love. He already lost his dad. If someone knows how short life can be, it’s Remus.

“Hi mum,” he finally breathes when she lets go.

“Hiya, cub,” she smiles and her eyes shines with happiness. She looks on the verge of crying but in a good way.

At this point, everyone already left the room so Sirius does the same, giving them some much-needed privacy. In the sitting room, Marlene and Pete are laughing with Effie. They’re talking about some neighbour he doesn’t know. Apparently, they got a new kitten. Maybe they could go visit them later this afternoon? On the couch, Lily is quietly tapping on her phone, probably updating Mary on the situation. She couldn’t come because she has a shift at the hospital. He goes to sit beside her. Not ten seconds later, James is back. He’s fully clothed and dry. It even looks like he brushed his hair. Well, at least he tried.

“What are you guys doing here?” he asks as Marlene hugs him firmly. She’s much smaller than him but he always looks tiny in her arms. She has this power over him.

“You thought we’d let you alone with Sirius “laughing-my-emotions-away” Black and Remus “hiding-everything-deep-inside-until-I-explode” Lupin? Really?” Lily offers him a knowing smile and Sirius feels targeted.

“Hey! I’ll have you know I learned how to proceed my feelings in therapy!”

“That was until your therapist dumped you, though,” Peter counters.

“She became a paramedic! It happens!” he rolls his eyes and sighs, very dramatically.
Everyone laughs and James drops himself in his dad’s sitting chair, across the couch. Marlene takes place on Effie’s rocking chair and Peter chooses to simply lay on the floor. Euphemia leaves them, talking about the new fence she’s building and goes outside. And it’s just them, just like when they were kids. When Sirius started to come spend every holiday at the Potters’. Marls and Pete were always there, running away from their respective families. Not in a bad way, though. Marlene just wanted to escape her dad’s boring family activities and Peter couldn’t bear listening to his mum or sisters talk about dresses or hairstyle for too long. Remus was there, sometimes. Lily, too.

They’d come spend the day. Occasionally stay the night. In that case, they’d organize a slumber party in James’ room. Putting all the extra mattresses around his bed so they all could sleep together. Lily would do a makeover on either Sirius or James, using her sister’s makeup. Marlene always wanted to watch horror movies despite the fact they always had nightmares afterwards.
Peter mostly spent the night sleeping in a corner, he was an early bird and couldn’t stay up past his bedtime. It was more simple back in the day, to be a careless child. Sometimes, he thought about his brother. He loved to imagine spending the summer with Regulus here. They’d play in the garden and go swim in the sea, not far from the house. Reg always loved swimming…

“So, to sum it up, you didn’t tell Regulus you had changed the setlist and put him on the spot, asking him to sing even though you knew he was really anxious?” Lily is looking James straight in the eye. Sirius wouldn’t want to be in his place. She can be really scary sometimes.

“Uh… Basically, yes,” he mutters sheepishly and Sirius knows him well enough to catch a glimpse of despair in his gaze.

“He’s right, James. That was a terrible thing to do,” she sighs and pinch her nose as she does when she’s really pissed. Nonetheless, her face softens. “But it doesn’t mean you’re the worst person on earth. There are far worse people living in England than you.”

“Yeah like, the Queen or Sirius’ mum.” Marlene, who’s currently on the floor playing chess with Peter, flashes them a smile.

“That’s fair,” Sirius rolls his eyes at her. But James isn’t laughing at any of them. He looks down-right pitiful.

“Pads, do you think he’ll ever forgive me? He did say he hated me since we were kids…”

“I don’t believe he hates you, mate,” he says, trying to comfort his best friend. “I just think Regulus is going through something these days and he doesn’t know what to do with how he feels.” Sirius sighs, thinking about his little brother. The last few months weren’t peaceful and he knew that but maybe he underestimated how hard it really was for Reg.

“And, to be honest,” adds Lily, “you were quite annoying when we were at school. He’s not wrong about that either.”

“But he was a prat, too. You don’t have to act as if he’s not to blame either!” Peter joins in, picking up one of his rooks and pointing it in James’ direction. “Do you recall the time you invited him to your birthday party and he, like, told you to fuck off? That was quite rude!”

“Reggie’s always rude. It’s the perks of growing up as a Black. Look at Bella, she’s a total bitch. I’m the only exception!” Sirius stands up and flips his hair in a dramatic way that makes James’ mouth twitch a little upwards. A win.

“He’s not rude to me.”

“That’s because you’re a gem, Lils. No one can be mean to you,” Marlene winks at her friend who rolls her eyes in response, a light blush colouring her cheeks.

“Guys,” James’ voice brings them back to the matter at hand. He’s not his usual-self and it’s concerning. “Can we focus? What do you think I should do? Like, should I just give up and avoid him forever or should I insist, risking making him hate me even more?”

“James. We can’t answer that for you,” Remus finally comes back after spending time with his mum. He was probably standing on the door for a moment as he seems to know what they’re talking about. He’s so lovely… A soft smile lingers on his lips and he looks happy, that’s great. He sits on the rocking chair previously abandoned by Marlene and shrugs. “Maybe Sirius could help but, at the end of the day, you’re the only one who knows what you want to do.”

“Remus’ got a point. I can’t tell if insisting is the right way to deal with my brother but I know that, if you don’t pursue this, nothing will come out of it. Reggie will keep you out of his way if that’s what he really wants. I speak from experience.”

“Mhmpf… You’re probably right. But I bloody don’t know what to do!” James sighs heavily and pushes his glasses up before placing his hands on his eyes. Sirius never thought he’d see James in a state like that. The last time he was so sad was when Lily refused his invitation to the year ten prom. And they were fourteen! It’s weird to think a fight with his brother could make him feel so bad. But he won’t push it today. James is enough of a mess. Sirius gets up and awkwardly sits on the armrest of the sitting chair, his body leaning on James.

“Mate, you won’t fix it today, okay? So why not take the time you need to think about it? You’ll do what you think is best when we go back to London. But for now, I think you need to relax and enjoy the peace!”

“Maybe you’re right…” James looks up to him and smiles softly. This is a win in Sirius’ opinion so he lets himself totally fall on his best friend. Laughter fills the air and the tension quickly disappear; James returns back to his happy-go-lucky self. It lightens Sirius’ heart to see him smile but he can’t forget the look of despair he arbored. Why Regulus’ words affected him so much? And how come his brother, who’s one of the most non-confrontational people he knows, lashed out this much on James? What makes him so special that Reggie let his anger get the better of him? He’ll have to talk to him about it. But it’ll wait after their reconciliation. Because Sirius’ certain they won’t let it linger. James is physically uncapable of letting things go and Regulus’ stubborn as fuck. Something will happen eventually.

But, for now, they have to enjoy their time together at the Potters'. And it starts with helping Effie and Hope with the lunch!

It’s been months since Remus last saw his mum. He writes her letters every week and call as much as he can but she doesn’t really like the phone. She’s anxious about it. That’s because it’s how she learned about Lyall’s suicide. Someone told her through a phone call. It was the longest five minutes of her life. Since then, she prefers other ways of communication. Letters are good. Because she can keep them all in a pretty box in her bedroom. She can reread them whenever she wants. And the dates on top of each of them help her remember where she is on her timeline. She tends to forget the days and the hours, losing herself in memories. Some days, she’ll wake up and look everywhere for her husband and her baby boy. On others, she’s still the little girl who never left her home country. She doesn’t understand why her sister isn’t in their bed. She calls but no one ever comes. When things like this happen, she knows where to look. The pretty box is never far and all it takes is reading the last letter in it to bring her back to the right moment in her life.

In the box, there are the letters before and the letters after. The first type is full of triviality. Remus was eleven and he wrote about his teachers, his new friends, the cafeteria’s meals and his bedroom. (What a huge bed I have, Ma! You wouldn’t believe your eyes!) In several of them, he describes with care the library’s catalogue and how kind the school’s nurse is with him. In others, he tries to explain James’ basketball matches and Peter’s chess tournaments even if he doesn’t understand everything about it. He talks about Sirius in every single letter. It wasn’t on purpose.

The second type of correspondences are… Different. There’s a sadness lingering in every word. Fear in every line. He was thirteen and an orphan. His mum was all alone and really far from him. He couldn’t do anything but write her letters, trying to lighten up her mood. But every sentence held a burden. He was terrified to write something that would make her even sadder than she was. What if she decided to take her own life, too? He was thirteen and didn’t understand why his father had decided to leave them. To abandon her. And he was a sturdy man. If someone like him couldn’t bear to live much longer, what would happen to his much more vulnerable mum? He was thirteen and cried himself to sleep every night for months. But his tears were not for his father.

Now, he’s way older and understands well enough that it’s not how it works. People can feel self-destructive even if they’re not the saddest person on earth. Even if they’re not the saddest person in the room. His father had problems and he never knew how to deal with them. He fought his battles alone until it was too late. Lyall wasn’t a good father but he was a loving husband and, despite everything, Remus is still mad at him sometimes. For leaving his mum alone.

It’s not fair to be angry at Lyall. It wasn’t his fault. But it’s still how he feels and he can’t help it. It’ll probably last all his life. This anger bubbling inside him. Paired with this uncontrollable fear. He’s scared almost every day. He wakes up and feels the need to see that Sirius is okay. He texts his friends every morning just to know they’re fine. He often calls Euphemia Potter to take news of her and her husband and his mum. Lily and Mary are the only ones who always contact him before he does. He always starts his days with a few messages from them or a message in his voicemail. Mary understands the fear because she lost her brother, two years ago. She was a wreck for months and he was there for her, every step of the line. They share something and it’s important to the both of them. They need to know someone else knows this pain that is eating their hearts. And they know none of their friends can really understand what they went through.

Remus isn’t a really jealous person. If anything, he’s mostly envious. He’s glad that his friends are fortunate enough to not know grief. He only wants their happiness. But the first time he visited James, he was twelve and it was the first time he realized what envy was. He came to spend two days and a night during the summer. Marlene, Peter and Sirius were also there. They had a great time and plenty of fun but all he remembers was the moment he met Euphemia and Fleamont Potter.

If his mum was the moon then Effie was the sun. Shining bright over all of them, shielding them from the world. She was so, so nice and gentle with him. He really liked her off the bat. But Monty was the one who took him under his wing. He showed him fathers can be funny and caring. He let him borrow a lot of his books and even taught him how to swim when they all went to the beach. For twelve years old Remus, he was a star. He really looked up to him. And Monty didn’t mind spending time explaining his work to a little kid. They spent the late afternoon in his study, talking about literature and research while the others played football in the garden.

When he came back to his house after this weekend, Remus realized his father would never be like Fleamont. He barely acknowledged him, spending all the spare time he had away from work at his mum’s side. He would never be a family man. He loved Hope but it wasn’t enough to love him too. Maybe if he looked more like her or if he was acting more like him. If he wasn’t scarred for life. Remus spent many years wondering what he could have done to make his father love him more. Spending time with Fleamont showed him there was nothing to be done.

So, yeah. He needed time with his mum today. Even if they came for James. He would’ve been concerned if there was only Sirius to cheer him up but thanks to Lily, he’s not too worried. He knows they’ll take good care of him. He can take the time he needs to be with Hope. To hug her tight and stay close to her. She’s the person he loves the most in the whole word. Of course, it’s a different type of love than the one he has for Sirius. Or for his friends. It’s the kind of love that makes him afraid all the time. Accidents happen. Life happens. So he always makes sure to never leave her without telling her that he loves her. He always makes sure she knows how much she matters to him. And when he sees her, he takes the time to really enjoy her company.

“Hi, mum,” Remus gently says when she looks at him with her big eyes full of love and sadness. She smiles back at him and strokes his cheeks like she used to do when he was little. He leans into the contact.

“Hey cub,” her voice’s barely loud enough for him to hear. When she lets go of him, he sits on the closest chair to her and keep her hand in his.

She calls him cub because he’s her little wolf. When he was a toddler, Lyall used to read him bedtime stories. The only moments they ever shared. The only times he tried to be a father. He’d talk about wolves and stars. Constellations and empires. He was passionate about history and loved the tale of Rome’s foundation. Remus and Romulus, the twins, the sons of a female wolf. Fitting, right? That’s how he became their cub.

Later, when he was eight, this nickname turned kind of ironic when a dog attacked him, creating a mismatched sight of scars on his face. The cub who couldn’t fight a dog. He was a kid and thought it was the reason his dad stopped loving him. It wasn’t.

Even after all this time, Hope still continues to call him cub. Even if he’s twenty-three and still growing. Even if his father, the one who started it, isn’t with them anymore. Even if she’s more sheep than wolf herself. And he loves it. He kisses her cheeks and holds her hand close to his heart.

“I didn’t know you’d be there,” she hums softly. “It’s a nice surprise.”

“I didn’t either. We came to see James. I’m glad you’re there,” he looks for changes on her face. Signs that she’s getting better. Or worse. There’s none. She seems to be doing just fine, like the last time he saw her, for her birthday. Remus doesn’t know if it’s a good thing or not. Her face’s really pale and her hair’s got more and more grey in it. The only thing that never changes is the sadness in her eyes. They share the same brown-coloured irises. He wonders if people can see his grief in it the same way it reflects in hers.

“I’m glad too,” she smiles and it doesn’t reach her eyes but he doesn’t mind. He knows she lost her happiness a long time ago. And despite everything, she still tries to be cheerful for him.

They stay alone in the kitchen for a long time, exchanging news and trivialities about their lives. He explains to her the Battle of the Bands and talks about their last show while she gently nods along, not saying much. She was never a talker. But it’s okay. Remus’ got enough tales for her. And when he’s done with his, he talks about his friends. James seems to have a lot on his plate but he won’t tell them so they can’t really do anything for him. Peter seems to be doing better about his songs now that he’s with the Valkyries. Sirius is very, very pleased that his brother, Regulus, is in town. Lily got a wonderful opportunity to expose her photographs in a gallery, she’s really looking forward to it. Mary’s still working at the hospital. It’s exhausting but she really likes it. Oh and, of course, Marlene is modelling now!
Euphemia comes to check on them twice, not saying anything. She simply looks in the room then leaves with a smile on her lips. He can hear his friends laughing and talking in the living room. He’s not afraid of missing on anything. Not when his mum is right there. But Hope disagrees. After a while, she probably heard enough about his friends and she gently pushes him up and gestures toward the voices coming from the other room.

“Go, cub. I’ll still be there when you come back. But I think James needs you more than me for now,” she combs his hair with her fingers then smile again, encouraging.

Remus often wishes he could be as selfless as his mum. As gentle and tender. Most of the time, he feels like this person who cannot control their feelings, always snapping when it’s not the time. He feels selfish and he doesn’t know what to do to become someone better. But when Hope smiles at him like that, he knows there’s at least one person in the world who would still love him even if he was mean and cruel. So he gets up and hugs her one last time, pressing her head against his chest and kissing the top of it before joining his friends.

He listens to their banter and James’ complaint in silence for a moment before stepping in the room and sitting down in Fleamont’s rocking chair. Sirius looks his way and he can’t help but feel shy about it even if they’re not doing anything. The idea of existing in the same room as him and all their friends is a little bit awkward. He just feels like Sirius’ version of him isn’t the same when they’re alone and this idea makes him self-conscious about it. Nonetheless, he smiles at him then concentrates on James.

They argue a little bit before they decide to drop the matter for today. They won’t go anywhere without Regulus, anyway. This argument has two sides and they should probably listen to the one’s crying before drawing conclusions. Lily and Sirius seem to agree on this, too. Maybe Regulus won’t want to talk to James but, at least, they will have tried. Also, he hopes they can settle this mess before the real start of the Battle or else they’ll be disqualified if Regulus quit. And if he doesn’t, the next two months will be very, very unpleasant for everyone involved…

It’s a little bit late for lunch but as no one ate before, they agreed it was alright. While the girls and James are setting up the table and Peter is helping Hope in the kitchen, Euphemia has asked for Sirius and him to help her with last minute errands. They’re now following her to the nearest convenience store to pick up ingredients and such. She talks a lot on the way, about everything. Their plans for the evening. A good meal and maybe some board games? She asked Monty to come home early so they can all spend time together, just like when they were little kids. She’s so happy to have all her babies under the same roof again! She’s just sad Mary can’t make it, though. She’ll cook some more dishes so Lily can bring it to her. Also, how is Regulus doing, Sirius? Have you tried inviting him here? It’d be great to finally meet him!

At that, Sirius finally gets a word in her soliloquy, “Reggie isn’t really in the mood to see James, right now, I think…”

“That’s such a shame! I really hoped to see this famous little brother of yours. We could even arrange the second guest room for him if he wanted some peace…” she sighs, stepping in the store. After picking up a basket, she adds, “I think you should insist. You should all stay for a few more days, away from the polluted air of the city.”

“I’d like to stay longer but I have work the day after tomorrow. And I wouldn’t want to intrude your family time,” Remus smiles at her, reaching out for some apples. His mum decided to bake his favourite dessert, an apple pie.

“Remus, love, you’re never intruding! You’re part of the family,” Euphemia shakes her head as if she can’t believe what he’s saying and takes the apples from his hands. He lets her do it, feeling a bit shy. He’s really grateful for everything the Potters did for him and his mum but he wouldn’t go as far as saying they’re family. Still, it has a nice ring to it.

Sirius probably noticed his discomfort because, as soon Effie turns her back to them, he kisses his cheeks. It’s tender and surprising. They’ve been snogging everywhere for the past six months but little kisses like this always make his heart pounds. He gently pushes him, feeling really shy doing that in public but Sirius decides to not let it drop. He can be so stubborn when he wants… Especially when it’s not the moment. Whenever Euphemia looks away, he sneaks kisses on his face, his neck or even his shoulder. He’s ridiculous and Remus feels his ears burning from the blush.

“Stop! We have to get the groceries on the list!” he tries to fight his boyfriend off after a few minutes of this treatment but Sirius only look up to him with false innocent eyes. Lord, he’s so pretty. Pretty annoying.

“That’s what we’re doing, no? You’re putting the stuff that’s on the list in Effie’s basket. And I kiss you as a reward for being such a nice person! It’s a win-win situation.”

“You’re insufferable. We don’t have time…”

“Please, Moony… I didn’t get to kiss you since we left London! I’m going to die!”

“Then die. But in silence, please. I don’t want Euphemia to notice you’re being stupid and horny in a convenience store,” he nudges him softly while keeping an eye on the list.

“I’m not horny. I’m just in love! Since when is that a crime?” he whisper-shouts dramatically, almost knocking down a display of soup cans.

“Well, homosexuality is still a crime in certain countries. And it only stopped being one in England in 1967 and—”

“You’re so pretty when you think you’re being funny, love,” Sirius smirks before kissing him once again, on his left cheek this time. Remus rolls his eyes and doesn’t add anything as Euphemia comes back to them. She’s done with her part of the grocery list so they only have to pay. This doesn’t stop Sirius from acting like a kid. He passes his arms around Remus’ waist and pulls at the hem of his t-shirt only for attention. And when Euphemia turns to tell him something, he pretends he’s arranging their stuff in the bags. When everything is put away, they each take two and Effie leads them back home.

It’s only once they’re back at home that Sirius stops his act. He jokes around but stop flirting so openly. He’s probably afraid of Hope. It’s funny how intimidated by her he seems to be. Remus looks how gently his boyfriend proposes to help his mum, talking oh so politely. He’s so cute… That’s why, when Sirius goes to pick up something in the pantry, Remus follows him and, before he can say anything, he kisses him tenderly on the lips. It’s not a peck. It only lasts a few seconds but when Sirius comes out of the closet, his hair is dishevelled and he’s smiling like a madman. No one knows Remus whispered, “Your reward for being so nice to my mum,” before kissing him once again.

When he comes back to the kitchen, after a few minutes, Marlene is apparently laughing at Sirius’ state.

“Mate, did you hook up with a pack of pastas in the pantry? Why do you look as if someone snogged you back there?” she’s snickering around, being a menace.

“Shut up, McKinnon! That’s none of your business!” he acts pissed but a smirk is plastered on his face.

When Remus steps in the room to help them with the last things on the table, Lily looks at him with a curious look before discreetly gesturing towards his hair. Apparently, Sirius wasn’t the only messy one. He quickly combs his hair, making Lily laughs a little bit. She hides behind the pile of bread she’s carrying. Everyone else seems oblivious, thanks lord. She winks at him while Marlene’s still pestering his boyfriend.

“Was it James? Are you snogging James in secret?”

“No, Marls, I doubt James would snog boys,” Peter joins in, putting down forks and knives on the table.

“Yeah, you’re right Pete! James isn’t a boys kisser. Are you a boys kisser, Pete? You’re the only other option!”

“Are you mad? James’ absolutely not my style!” he pretends to be outraged and the three of them barks of laughter.

James enters the room, fake crying. “What? Mate! I’d kiss you if I wanted to kiss boys!”

“Well not me. If anything, I’d prefer kissing Remus. He’s the prettiest one!” at that, Peter flashes him a smile.

“Well, you’re right. Remus is the most kissable in this room, I believe,” adds Sirius, mischievous.

“Nah, I doubt our good old Remus would ever kiss you, Black. He deserves better!” Marlene seems quite sure of herself, passing an arm around Sirius’ shoulders. It takes everything in him to not burst out laughter. If only she knew…

“I swear to god, Reg, get out of my bathroom or I’m going to call your brother and tell him to come pick you up right this instant!” Evan is pounding on the door, sounding really annoyed. It’s been going on for the past fifteen minutes.

“Let me die in peace,” Regulus mumbles in response, only loud enough so his friend heard he was talking but didn’t get the words.

“Get out! I need to fucking pee!” he sounds of the verge of snapping and, after a few more minutes of soliloquy, he gives up. “Mate, you won’t be able to stay locked in my bathroom forever. You need to come out. And before the end of the week, preferably.”

He gently taps against the door a last time before Regulus can hear his footstep going away. Evan’s probably going to piss in his kitchen sink or whatever. Regulus doesn’t care as long as he lets him alone. It’s been three days since the party. He came here, not knowing what to do with himself. It was the closest place he could think of. Evan gracefully invited him to share his tiny flat in the centre of London. He didn’t know Regulus would decide to lock himself in the bathroom for three days. It’s starting to really piss him off. He probably asked his neighbour to lend him his shower, pretending he has issues with his own. It would be on brand for him. Regulus doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to care about anything anymore. But it’s been three days and all he does is reliving the events in his head. He only opened the door when Evan left some food and a pillow with a blanket for him in front of it. He’s barely sleeping. His mind is making circles around the truth of what happened.

He got really, really angry at James. He told him everything he felt for the past ten years. He spilled his guts. Entirely. He screamed and cried and, despite everything, he doesn’t feel better than before. It’s even worse. He wanted to hurt James but he only hurt himself in the process. Why can’t he be a somewhat normal person? Why does he always have to express his emotions in extremes? He’s kind of like his brother, in that way. They learned to bottle everything in until they’re past their limits and everything slips out in an ugly fashion. They probably took that from their father.
Their mother’s patience was way too thin to keep it all in. Walburga used to shout and strike at every single inconvenience. If they were in public, she’d throw daggers with her eyes, letting them know what was awaiting them once they’d be back in the coldness of this place he used to call home.

No one in his family ever knew how to feel their feelings in a healthy way. Since he ever learned to talk, he was told to be quiet. His voice was born in his head. None of the people around him wanted to hear his ideas. Except for Sirius. But his brother was plagued by anger and fear. He’s always been a sensible person. Always on the verge of losing his fucking mind. Their father only knew pure rage or frantic coldness. No in-between. He never said nice things to them. Only talked about his disappointments and their failures. And their mother… She was a master of manipulation. She knew how to use every emotion in the book. She could cry on demand, acting as if getting less than perfect grades or not keeping your room tidy was the ultimate betrayal. Her anger was made from stone. Her gaze could freeze your bones. She used happiness as a weapon. A mortal one, at that.

No wonder Regulus can’t understand the difference between love and hate.

It’s been at least a few hours since he last heard from Evan. He didn’t come pounding again. He’s probably gone to work or went out. It’s better this way. He won’t bother him until tomorrow, probably. Evan’s a nice friend but he loves his peace and loneliness. He hates sharing his things. Kind of weird coming from a twin but, yeah. He’s not the most amicable person. Three days his it’s limit. That’s probably why he called some help. The next time someone knocks on the door, it isn’t him. Dorcas’ soft and raspy voice comes from the other side. She sounds slightly worried in her own way.

“Regulus? Are you still in there?” she talks in a gentle tone yet still loud enough so he could hear her even away from the door. But he’s pressed against it and her voice comes clear through the wood. He’s folded in two, his knees against his chest and his face buried on top of them. She doesn’t wait for an answer. “Listen, I know what happened. Marlene told me. Would you like to come out so we can talk about it? If you don’t want to think about it anymore, we can also pretend it never happened. Just let me see your face so I know you’re okay.”

He feels tired and weak. He spent a lot of his time crying and his voice’s still a bit hoarse. That’s how it comes out when he responds, “I don’t want to see anyone.”

“You don’t have to, babe. It’s only me,” she answers, gently. He doesn’t know why but it makes him want to start sobbing again. The tears fall down his cheeks in silence and no one says anything for a while. Then, once he’s a bit calmed down, he finally moves. He only gets up to unlock the door and then sit back up, this time against the shower’s glass door. Dorcas takes her time. She doesn’t open the door immediately. And when she does, she’s acting as if he’s a wild animal threatening to flee if she’s too sudden. She enters the room then closes and locks the door again. She takes his place against the wood panel and looks at him with a neutral expression. She’s really good at acting like things don’t matter. As if she doesn’t mind the poor state he’s currently in. And, knowing her, it’s probably the case.

“See? I’m only me. And it’s only you.”

“I don’t want to go out yet.”

“No one’s forcing you. Evan doesn’t mind, I swear.”

At that, Regulus lets out a little laugh, “Oh, Evan minds. I know him well enough…”

“Well, we don’t care about what he wants. It’ll make him learn that the world doesn’t belong to him,” she smiles at him when their eyes meet. If she can come off as standoffish and cold at first, she’s actually a really warm and soft person. He’s glad she’s there. It’s a nice thing that she’s the one who came to see him. He wouldn’t have opened the door for anyone else.
The two of them never needed words to speak. They understand each other’s quietness well enough. Dorcas knows that Regulus’ mind is always running in circles. Always working on thoughts and ideas. He’s full of things he can’t express. His silences are his way to let it all out. Only helped by his gaze and the pounding of his heart. He’s kind of an engineer of his own soul. At least, he tries.
And Regulus knows that Dorcas’ mind is as calm as she appears. But it’s only because she’s a quiet force. No one could suspect what’s going on behind her pretty eyes. She knows almost everything about almost everyone as long as she can observes them long enough. She’s the best at reading people. She was the first person in their friend group noticing Regulus’ crush on James. She never said a word until he was ready to admit it to them. For a long time, she knew a lot of secrets about a lot of people. No one ever knew.

Out of everyone in their group, he feels the most connected to her. His relationships are different with the others, of course. Barty is his best friend, the first person he met at boarding school who didn’t only saw him as Sirius’ baby brother. The first to not treat him like he was made of glass or ice. In exchange, Regulus followed him everywhere, always ensuring they’d get a way out of the troubles he put them in. They share a special bond but, sometimes, Barty can be a bit insufferable. Evan is like that, too. He’s a good friend but has a few selfish tendencies he never got rid of. On the other hand, his sister, Pandora, is the kindest person Regulus knows. She’s an angel. But she can have troubles understanding why he feels how he feels. To her, the world is a straight line. If you want something then take it. She lives in an extrovert utopia where everyone is a friend-to-be. While Dorcas shares most of his thoughts on people. Well, she’s become more optimistic since she started dating McKinnon but still. He knows he’ll always find a home in her mind. It’s a nice thought. That’s why he let her in the bathroom. And that’s why she locked the door behind her.

“I fucked up, Cas,” he finally sighs after a while. It feels like his heart is being crushed under a pile of stones. It’s horrible.

Her gaze softens as she asks,“Do you want to tell me what happened?”

“Potter is an arse. And I’m an imbecile because I can’t stay mad at him even though I have all the reasons in the world to be angry…” Regulus presses the palm of his hands against his eyes and softly shakes his head. He truly feels miserable.

“You’re not an imbecile, babe. If someone on this planet is stupid it’s James Potter. You know that, right? I bet he doesn’t even know how to tie his shoelaces.”

“Then tell me why I feel so sad even though I got what I wanted?”

“Because you’re listening to your mind when you should be listening to your heart. You’re trying to be rational and mature but we both know you can’t be happy this way,” she moves to come sit by his side, her shoulder pressing against his. “You love him. You have to admit it or else it’ll make you suffer even more.”

“But I don’t want to love him. I hate him.”

“But you know you don’t.”

There’s a silence. A long pause. Then Regulus breaks down, falling into his friend’s arms. If he can’t hate James then there’s only one person responsible for all this sadness burdening his heart and it’s himself. He’s not strong enough to carry that weight alone. He can’t be the brother Sirius needs. Can’t be the son his parents wanted. Can’t be the good friend he aspires to be. Dorcas’ arms wrap around him. He feels weak and stupid and he’d like to disappear from the surface of the earth.
Life is too complicated and he doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to do next. How could he ever face James after throwing such a tantrum? How to explain to his brother why he feels this way? He can never go back to Paris either because he’s terrified of running into his father or his associates. The whole reason why he left in the first place. He ruined his life on a whim. Only because he was a coward. Only because he couldn’t keep his emotions in check.

“I don’t know what to do, Cas. I have nowhere to go. I screwed it up. Sirius will never forgive me if I make them lose their spot in the contest. But I’m not sure I can ever be in the same room as James without feeling like I want to die.”

“As long as I’m alive, you’ll always have somewhere to go. You can come to my place. Marlene won’t mind. You can lock yourself in our bathroom. You can also sleep on the couch if you want,” she gently strokes his hair and press him closer to her heart. “Don’t go back to Paris if it feels wrong. Don’t shut yourself out again. You don’t have to tell me everything but you don’t need to hide your feelings, Regulus. And your brother and Potter are not what matter right now.”

“Why is everything so complicated? Why can’t I be normal for once?”

“You seem pretty normal to me, babe. As much as anyone can be normal, at least. There’s not a norm in being alive. Everyone is going through something. Some people are just able to cope with it in ways that don’t involve their self-worth. You’re lost. It doesn’t mean you’ll never find a way out.”

“You talk like an old woman,” he sniffs and dries his tears with the back of his hand.

“I lived a million lives, that’s why,” Dorcas smiles and pushes him a little so they can both sit up. She tears off a piece of toilet paper and hands it to him. “Here, blow your nose. You’re disgusting.”

“Thanks…” Regulus does exactly that before taking the time to breathe correctly again. He feels slightly better. “You said McKinnon told you what happened. I guess James told absolutely every single person he knows how much of a freak I am. Is every single person in London aware that Regulus Black is crazy?”

“Well, no. He might be a fool but I believe he’s still a good person deep down. Under his annoying attitude and all his stupidity,” she shrugs a bit. “He had a proper breakdown, apparently. He shut off his phone and went straight to his parents’ house. Marls went there with your brother and their little group but they came back this morning.” Dorcas rummages in the pocket of her skirt before taking out a –very– crumpled envelope. “Here. It’s from Potter. I said I wouldn’t give it to you but, ultimately, it’s not my place to make this decision. Just know if it was, I would’ve burn it. Marlene made me promise to not do that. She didn’t mention anything about trashing it a bit, though.”

Regulus looks down at the wrinkly mess in her hand and can’t help but smile. She obviously didn’t take any care of it. It’s her way to show how she feels about James. He might be her girlfriend’s best friend but she’ll never stop treating him like a nuisance. Affectionately. He can’t believe James wrote him a letter. Is he a fucking seventeenth century monk or something? People in this day and age usually use their cell phones to talk with others. Or even e-mails. Why does he have to act so… So… Why does it feel so romantic? Fucking hell. He pushes it back in Dorcas’ palm.

“Take it. I don’t want it. I’m still mad at him. And really, really ashamed of how I acted.”

“Marlene told me he spent the last two days talking about you non-stop,” she tilts her head, trying to remember other things her girlfriend said. “That he looked down-right pitiful and it would’ve been funny if it wasn’t so pathetic. And also, Lily, Remus and her wanted to say hi to you, apparently. Nothing from Peter or your brother.”

“I don’t care… I can’t care about it! I’m supposed to be mysterious and cold and brooding and I went and spilled all my secrets at his face,” he hides his face in his hands and grumble before thinking about something horrendous. “Do you think he caught on my feelings for him? Do you think he told Sirius? Oh no I can’t think about it or I’m going to throw up.”

“Babe. The guy firmly believes he’s going to hell because he upset you. I seriously doubt he’d be sharp enough to read between the lines of your very emotional one-sided pining.”

“Lord, is it normal to feel so conflicted about everything? One second, I’m really mad because he acted like a proper arsehole. Then I just want to forgive everything. Like, yes, he was a prick. But he sounded really sorry when he came to see me. And I must admit most of the things I said were only because I was fucking angry. I don’t believe he peaked in high school or that his living habits are disgusting.”

“Oh no, babe. He is disgusting,” Dorcas counters but he’s not listening to her.

“But I think what I fear the most is to see pity in his eyes when he looks at me. Or to feel it in his fucking letter. I can’t deal with that.”

“Listen, I don’t know him well enough to say with certainty how he feels about all of this. But according to Marlene, he really wants to make amends with you. Not because he pities you or sees you as a charity case or even because you’re Sirius’ brother. But because, and it’s coming from one of his best friends, he just really wants to be your friend. It’s not that complicated. Don’t forget he’s as dumb as a rock. I think his range of emotions goes from bliss to mild happiness. His tiny brain can’t comprehend any negative feelings. He’s fucking stupid, Reg. And you’re obviously blinded by love.”

At that, he snorts a bit. “You’re too mean.”

“No, I’m actually nice to him for once,” she offers him a knowing glance and drops the letter on his knees. “Here. I did my job. I delivered it. Only you really know what you want to do with it. And, remember, use your heart.”

Dorcas presses her hand on his chest and smiles tenderly. He nods while she gets up. After patting her clothes, she leaves the room without adding anything else. He doesn’t follow her but doesn’t lock the door again either. She’ll probably talk to Evan.
His gaze falls on the crumpled envelope as he sighs.
James Potter wrote him a letter.
James Potter regrets acting like an arse.
James Potter is the easiest person in the world to hate.

He’s the easiest person in the world to love.

Regulus gently smooths the paper and hesitates only a few moments before opening it with care. There’s nothing on the exterior of the letter except for a little sad-faced smiley. Inside, there’s a ton of pages. Each of them covered in blue ink. His first thought is that James’ handwriting is really bad. It’s scrawny and small and it shows that he wrote everything quickly. As if he was scared that the words would leave his mind before he had the chance to put them on paper. Maybe it was really the case.

The letter starts with “Dear Reggie” but it has been crossed out. Next to it, it says “Hi, Regulus. I’m sorry.” Then, it continues on the next line.

“Again, I’m sorry. You probably want to know why I am sorry and I’ll tell you because those are not only empty words. I swear. I’m sorry for not respecting your boundaries and always expecting more of you when you already had told me no, countless times. I am not the brightest person in the world. I tend to think that everyone is like me even though I know it’s not the case. Take Pete as an example. Him and me couldn’t be more different from one another. And yet, we’ve been best friends for more than twenty-years. But, even after all this time, I apparently still can’t understand that not everybody is like me. I’m sorry for being selfish and self-centred. For making you feel bad all these times when I didn’t even think you could feel this way. I never wanted to humiliate or belittle you but I still did and I’m sorry for hurting you this way. I realize it’s far too late now to take back everything I did to you unknowingly and that you’ll probably resent me forever for it. And it’s absolutely alright. I’m ready to take responsibility and face your anger again and again and again. As long as you’ll need someone to be mad at, I’ll be there. And if you want me to disappear from your life then consider it done.

“But before you decide to never want to hear from me forever, I just want to say once again how sorry I am for putting you under so much pressure. It wasn’t right to do something like that. It wasn’t fair. I should have discussed the last-minute changes with you. I wanted to, truly, but I forgot on the spot. You seemed to be panicking and I tried to cheer you up. I should have paid more attention to you instead of losing myself in the moment. Again, I’m only making excuses and making everything about me. I’m genuinely sorry. I’m currently learning to stop being an arse. It starts with listening to what you told me and trying to make amends. As much as amends can be made in this situation, anyway. You’re such a good person, Regulus. You put up with me for years and even tried to act as if my past actions didn’t bother you while we lived together. I realize how hard it must have been sharing a flat with someone you saw as a bully for the majority of your life. Again, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

There’s two rows of sorries written under but they’ve been crossed out, too.

“I would like to say it’s not my parents’ fault. They raised me right and I somewhat turned wrong all by myself. When I make mistakes or hurt people (you) I’m not my mother’s son. And when I don’t think before acting, I’m not my father’s son either. It’s true what you said about me. I’m an only child and my parents are rich. I peaked in high school and I’ll probably won’t make it far in the industry. But I just wanted to say I’ll never give up on this dream. I have the chance to be able to pursue this nonsense without being afraid of not being able to pay rent or to eat at the end of the month. I owe my bandmates to go as far as we can together. And I’d love it if you were part of this dream. It’s only been a few weeks since you joined us but I can already see the progress we made. I believe I’ll find my voice if you lend me your pen. I want to continue writing songs by your side if you’ll allow me.

“I understand that music isn’t your lifegoal. And I’m probably acting selfish again by projecting my mind onto you. If you want to go back to Paris, it’s perfectly alright. Your life is yours after all. And you must do what you heart tells you. (Sirius also wanted to tell you that, if you go back, you’ll have to call him every single day.) And I see now that my relationship with Sirius weighed on you all these years. I understand why you felt as if I stole him from you. And I just want you to know that, obviously, him and me are not a package deal. You have every right to love him as much as you hate me. You shouldn’t have to make sacrifices only because you’re afraid of losing him again. Sirius loves you more than anything in the universe. You’re quite literally the centre of his world. And it would kill me to know you’re leaving because of me.

“Sirius is my brother, in a sense, too. But it’ll never be the same as you. I never wanted to take your spot by his side. Never wanted to take something away from you. If I could, I would go back in time and fix everything. I would make sure that both of you get out of this house. That both of you are always happy and together. Oh. I’m sorry if this sound preposterous or if I’m acting like the main character again… I don’t mean to be the hero in everyone else’s stories. It’s not my intention! I swear! I just can’t bear seeing you (and Sirius) going through everything without getting a happy ending. I just really want you to be happy, Regulus. And I understand that it means we’ll probably never see each other again. Well, maybe at Sirius and Remus’ wedding but even there I’ll make sure you barely see me. It’s a promise.

“Well… I’ll end it here before taking more of your time. Thanks for listening (or reading) to me one last time. I’m sorry, once again. I’ll stay clear of your way until the end of the week so the flat’s all yours. And if you need more time, just tell Sirius and you won’t find a trace of me in London until you’re okay again…

“Farewell, Regulus.”

For a long, long time all he’s able to do is read the letter on loop. He goes from farewell to hi at least a hundred times without missing a beat. It’s a stupid letter. James’ really stupid. If he thinks it’ll fix everything, he’s wrong. Absolutely wrong. No one has ever been so wrong in the entire world. He’s… Fuck. Fuck him. Why does he always try so hard to be a good person? Why does it seem as if he really thinks all the things he said? Why can’t he just be an arsehole? A proper arsehole with no compassion or morals. It’s sickening. What does he even mean by “I’ll find my voice if you lend me your pen”? As if the great James Potter ever needed anyone else to speak his mind. But the worst part is… it doesn’t sound like lies. And Regulus can’t really imagine James lying. Sure, he omits things sometimes and has secrets like everyone. But there’s no way he would cover up six pages with only blue inked lies.

He can try to hate him all he wants, he can’t fabricate flaws. He has enough as it is. James’ not perfect but he’s close enough and it’s sincerely unnerving. And here it is again! This fucking inner conflict. Regulus’ a bloody lunatic. And, yes, he has to admit it...

He’s fucking in love with James Potter.

What a nightmare! As long as it stayed a stupid crush, he could totally deal with it by being rational and mature. But now? He’s ready to forgive everything only because he took the time to write him an apology letter. What a joke. Dorcas told him to follow his heart but it doesn’t even belong to him anymore. James Potter took it long ago. He’s a lovesick fool. He’s angry again. He feels empty and sad. Love isn’t supposed to make you feel this way, he’s pretty sure of it. But love is different for everyone, he guesses.

Every time he blinks, James’ face appears under his eyelids. It looks like the last time he saw him, at the party. Unhappy and puppy eyed, with a pout. But it also looks like the very first time they met. Eleven years ago, at some boarding school lost in the middle of Scotland. He was already tall, then. And his uniform looked better on him than it did on Sirius. He had braces and rectangle glasses that would’ve made anyone look like a huge nerd but not him. He looked nice. He looked bright. Sirius had taken Regulus by the hand, guiding him on the platform in a hurry. None of their parents was there to see them off. Their cousins were already somewhere else, with their own friends. He felt little and had never saw this many people all at once. Except for family gathering, their mother liked to keep them inside. Neatly kept away from the world. The train station was bubbling with sounds. But, somehow, the closer they got to James, the busier it seemed to become. As if everyone was circling him. He said hello to at least fifty people before they boarded and even then, he had to stop by every box to shares greetings with other students.
For Regulus, who spent most of his childhood inside of a manor, it was like seeing the sun for the first time. The blinds on his windows were falling apart and nothing could shield him from the brightness.

It’s this James that lives under his eyelids.

The very first version of him.

***

James can’t help but pace in circles in the living room. He wrote three letters (only one was good enough), fourteen songs (they will never leave his phone’s notes app) and five poems (really bad ones, he’s absolutely not made for that). But his mum confiscated every single pencil in the house because he was driving her insane.
That’s because he is insane! Marlene said the letter had been given to Regulus. Meaning the fate is in his hands now. He tries to remember what he said in the final draft but it’s hard because all his thoughts are upside down. Maybe one of the other versions would’ve been better. Maybe he should’ve sent all of them? It probably won’t matter because Sirius said there are less than twenty percent chances of Regulus not burning the letter on the spot. Pete agreed. Lily thought they weren’t giving him enough credit. Remus decided to not take part of this argument. He probably bet against James, to be honest.

They all left this morning. Lily and Peter had classes to attend; Remus had to work. Sirius wanted to see his brother eventually. Marlene missed her girlfriend. Understandable. He wished someone could have stayed with him, though. He hates loneliness or being left behind. His parents don’t really count. They’re always ready to spend time with him but they’re also very serious about “private time”. It’s what they call doing separate activities by themselves. They’ve been doing it since he was a child. It never bothered him because, usually, Marlene and Peter were always eager to hang out at his house. But, yeah, now everyone is gone back to London and he feels a bit lonely. He can’t even go because he decided to exile himself. As atonment. He’ll wait for a message from Regulus or Sirius or anyone telling him he can come back. He has to wait.

That’s why he’s alone in his parents’ living room, walking like a mad man. His dad is in his study, probably knitting while listening to some radio show he likes and his mum is still working on this new fence of hers. She’s positive it’ll be done by the end of the month. Only a week or so left. He proposed to help her but Euphemia Potter always makes a point to refuse any help from her husband or son. She doesn’t trust them near tools. The last time, James put a bunch of staples nearly too close to Monty’s hand. It was enough for them to be banned from her workshop. So he paces. Back and forth and back and forth again. The cats are looking at him with curious eyes from the couch. They don’t seem to understand the weird human customs of stressing the fuck out. Lucky bastards…

After a while, he finally decides to give up on the waiting. Is it even really waiting if you’re not sure there will even be an answer? He puts his running clothes on, grabs his headphones and goes for a run around the neighbourhood. He really loves his street. It’s a nice one-way full of pretty red bricks houses. He passes by the Pettigrews’ and the McKinnons’ but no one’s home today. Marlene’s father probably away on a work trip and Pete’s family always out and about. He says hello to a few of his old neighbours and stop for a chat with the newer ones he doesn’t really know yet. Everyone is kind here. They’re a community. He loves the smell of the flowers and fruit trees in the gardens. The familiar sight of chalk drawings in the middle of the road. He pets the cats, plays with the dogs. He goes all the way to the other side of the village and makes a detour by the beach. That’s when he finally drops, a bit tired.

The feeling of the sand in his hands is pleasant. He picks up a few nice rocks for Marlene’s collection and watches the seagulls playing with the waves. When he was younger, his parents used to take him for a picnic on the beach every Saturday. It was their little tradition. They would swim and play then eat sandwiches and read a book or take a nap before going home. He doesn’t remember when or why they stopped. He has never been the best swimmer and came an age where being in a swimsuit made him feel self-conscious. Still, he loves this place. He loves his little English village on the coast. It’s home. And it always will be.

On his way back home, he makes a detour by the castle and takes a few pics for Lily. She loves this place. She could talk about the architectural style of the building for hours. He stops by the convenience store to buy a few groceries for his parents and puts them on the kitchen’s counter after coming home. Euphemia’s still working outside and Fleamont is cooking diner. He looks up at James when he enters the room and smiles.

“Oh I see you stopped your brooding! Can I get my pens back?”

“You gotta ask mum, I don’t know where she put them,” he shrugs, picking up a spoon to taste his dad’s chili. “Mhhhh it’s good!”

“Yes, it is. But there won’t be enough if you keep eating it!” Monty shoos him, pointing the stairs. “Go take a shower before your mum realizes I let you sweats all over the kitchen floor.”

James salutes in a comical fashion, already making his way upstairs. “Sir. Yes sir!” He can hear his dad laugh behind him and a large smile takes place on his face. He feels better than he did yesterday. Pouring all of his feelings on paper kind of helped him with the situation. He still feels like shite for pushing Regulus so far when he was already on edge but, at least, he doesn’t feel like he’s the worst person in the universe anymore. Well, except when he’s trying to sleep and the whole scene keeps replaying in his head. He really hopes he’ll get a response soon enough or else he’ll probably die from the lack of sleep. But again, it’s only fair for him to feel like that. It’s his punishment and he’ll bear it gladly.

When he comes back to his room after showering, he notices that his door’s open. It shouldn’t be because he always closes it behind him. The cats aren’t allowed inside because he’s a bit allergic. Not enough for it to be severe but it’s still can be annoying. He sighs dramatically. The little monsters probably understood how handles work. Or someone went inside and didn’t realize they had let it open. The foolish and delusional side of his mind sprouts the idea that, maybe, Regulus read his letter and came here immediately. And he’ll enter his room and he’ll be standing there, awkwardly, in the middle of the room. It would look a bit funny, seeing Regulus here, in this place. He’d probably find the wallpaper ugly or something. James will say a million sorries and Regulus will forgive him. They’ll write songs and win the Battle and he’ll become an official and long-term part of the band.

When he pushes the door, there’s no one excepts Jelly, licking his private parts on his pillow. He shoos him out and sighs, falling on the bed. He’s really losing his mind. Even if Regulus decided by any miracle to forgive him, there would never be a way for them to become true friends one day. He hurt him too much. He doesn’t deserve it. Also, Regulus can be a bit petty. He wouldn’t let that slide so easily. And he did say that he was joining the band only for the contest… That’s too bad, really… James really believes his writing made their songs way better than it was before. No shades to Peter. It’s just… Regulus’ songs sounds like they were written for him, in a way. He gets them. He never really understood nor related to Pete’s lyrics. They were really good! But not his cup of tea. With the new songs, it feels more vulnerable to be singing them in front of an audience. Just like sharing a secret. He kind of like it.

“Regulus, Regulus… With your stupid name rhyming with calculus… And nothing else. It’s freezing my mind. It’s your fault that it melts. You’re not even kind!” he finds himself humming another stupid song (make it fifteen) while dressing up. The melody’s stuck in his mind all throughout dinner and he goes to sleep still muttering.

Sunday morning, James wakes up with a text on his phone. It’s been a few days and apparently, it’s okay for him to go back to his flat. Sirius doesn’t say much in the text in itself. Just a “When will our husband come back from war?” with ton of smileys. Attached to it, there’s a selfie of him and Marlene, a picture of Remus apparently fixing his bicycle and another of Lily looking really annoyed at Sirius’ camera. He sends back another selfie of him and his mum in the kitchen, joined with “Am I still exiled?” as a caption. Sirius’ answer is a closeup of his face and only a smiling smiley.
James looks up the trains’ timetable and is ready to leave within the hour. He came without anything but leaves with a bunch of dishes for all of his friends made by his father and a bunch of old posters he found in his room. He still quite likes them and thinks they’ll look good in his flat. His mum kissed both his cheeks a few thousand times and he saw her put back a pen in the entryway’s secretaire. He promised to come again soon.

On the way home, he wonders if Regulus will be there. If he decided to forgive him. Or if he never wants to see him ever again. He’d absolutely understands but, the selfish part of him, hopes he chooses the first option. Mostly because Regulus leaving would mean they’d be disqualified from this years’ Battle of the Bands. And it would suck… But music isn’t more important than someone’s comfort. So it would be alright. They can always try next year… They’ll have more time to find a new lyricist this way, too. Maybe it would be for the better. Even though, he’d still loves to continue working with Regulus. That could be it! Only work! They’d be colleagues and only that. He never had a job but James can imagine that you don’t need to be friend with your colleagues to get the work done. Mary doesn’t really like some of hers and she often talks about how they’re annoying and everything. And Remus doesn’t even talk to most of his. They could totally become that! Coworkers! Does it work with art, though? He hopes it does or else it’ll be more difficult than he thought… But it’s okay. It’ll work. He’s sure of it. Almost…

He's still thinking about it when he finds himself on his doorstep. He told Sirius he was coming back but didn’t say when and he didn’t get an answer to his text. He has some troubles with this, to be honest. Sirius’ often on his phone but don’t you dare expect getting answers most of the time. Anyway. He’s here now. He’s home. He has to push the door. To enter. His heart is beating hard in his chest without any reason. And he feels weird, as if his stomach was knotted. It’s the first time it happens to him… Is it stress? Anxiety? Should he go to the doctor? Maybe it’s a cardiac failure… Probably not but you can never be certain with things like that.

When James enters the flat, it’s empty. There’s no one else here except him. The lack of sound upsets him. He feels strangely disappointed but he couldn’t say why. Well, he knows why. He wanted to see Regulus. But he shouldn’t be this bummed by his absence. It was sure he wouldn’t be there. He’s just hopelessly stupid. He sighs and put his stuff on the coffee table after taking off his shoes. It’s not even noon yet, most of his friends are probably still all busy with school or work. For the first time, he realizes how he’s the only one without a proper job.
Even Sirius is kind of part-time working at the records store next to his flat. Not for the money, though. He only needed a reason to be obnoxious about his music tastes with every single person breathing on earth. And what better place than a music shop?
It made him think about his life. What is he doing? He’s believing in his dreams of music and fame and it’s important to him but Regulus was right… Maybe he’ll never go far. He’s starting to doubt himself, again. Even though he told him in his letter that he would never let go of his dreams. It was stupid, perhaps. Presumptuous even. He could start looking for something to do on his days off. When they have nothing planned. No rehearsals, no party or get-together. The days where everyone else is busy and he’s left alone with his guitar and his thoughts.
James has stuff to do on the side but it’s not the same. The guys with whom he plays basketball on Thursdays also have their own things going on. All his friends are always thinking about the next five years. He’s the only one staying still. Anyway.

As he texts Sirius and Marlene to know where they are, he goes in the kitchen in order to put his dad’s dishes in the fridge. There are nine plastic containers. One for each of his best friends; Sirius, Remus, Marlene, Lily, Mary and Pete. The two others are for him. Or for Regulus, if he wants one. But James kind of doubts it… Regulus doesn’t even know his father. He’d probably think it weird to accept some stranger’s food. Even if it’s absolutely exquisite. He’s like that, after all.

His phone chimes on the counter at the same time he’s done with organizing his fridge’s storage. It comes from Lily. She’s asking if he wants to meet for a cup of coffee in their favourite little tearoom. Of course he’d like to spend time with her! Yes, they saw each other the day before. It doesn’t mean anything! James loves seeing his friends. He quickly taps a positive answer then rushes in his bathroom to take a shower and change clothes before heading out again. It’s a hot day so, by the time he arrives at the meeting point, his hair’s dry and his curls are flailing in every direction.

Lily’s at their usual table by the window, a cheesecake with two forks sitting on top of it and a hot cup of coffee ready for him. She knows him well. He smiles brightly and sits beside her.

“Hi! Have you been waiting long?”

“Only two hours,” she says before winking. James mumbles an excuse, laughing a bit. She continues, “I’m obviously joking even if I know my sense of humour might bit a tad subtle for you.”

“Thankfully you told me or else I would’ve felt really guilty!” he picks up his fork and points it in her direction before attacking the cake without wasting any more time.

She imitates him and finishes her first bite before asking, “Anyway, did you get an answer, yet?”

James knows exactly what she’s talking about. He doesn’t wait before answering, his mouth still full, “Uh… No. Notch yetch…”

“James, you’re disgusting,” Lily crunches her nose in the way she always does when she finds something unappealing. It’s very cute. He can’t resist but gently pinch her cheek just like he used to do. It makes her laugh a bit.

“Sorry, sorry!” he swallows everything and politely wipe his mouth from crumbs. “Here. Is it better?” he waits for her nod of approval before continuing, “So, as I was saying, no. I didn’t get any response. And he wasn’t at the flat so I think he decided that he doesn’t want to see me ever again… And I can’t be surprised because I was really mean to him!”

She hums gently, balancing her fork between her fingers. “Maybe he just needs some time… When starts the Battle?”

“It should be around the start of next week so… In three days?” James sighs, bending over the table. “I think we’re fucked. But maybe Sirius could convince him to lie and say he’s still with us? As long as he’s credited for his work, he doesn’t need to appear in the music video or the stage performance. It’s kind of like what Peter is doing with the Valkyries. He’s not part of the band. Just their team...”

“You really think Regulus is going to lie on your behalf? Even after everything that happened?” Lily asks, not in a mean way. She’s just sincerely wondering.

“Yes? Maybe? I frankly don’t know, Lils…” another sigh. This time, he pushes his glasses up his nose to pinch it a bit. “I realized I don’t know him at all. Like, sure, he’s vegetarian and plays piano and was in the swim team at school but I don’t know his favourite movie or how he is with his friends. I don’t know if he prefers sunset or sunrise. If he has a favourite star like Remus. Maybe he hates the food I made for him and the movies I put on the telly when he was there. He never said anything!” the words are pouring out of his mouth and he starts to feel a bit pitiful again. He thought he was done with the misery.

“I would have said if you had asked me,” suddenly says a voice behind him. James sits straight back up and turns around in a comical way. So abruptly he almost knocks the table down. He can’t believe his eyes! Regulus is there! What the heck?

“Regulus!”

“I believe it’s me, yes,” he looks unbothered as he sits down, next to Lily. She’s all smiles and sparkles in her eyes. She knew he was going to be there and said nothing! She can be so sly when she wants… But James could kiss her a thousand times to thank her. He’s suddenly so happy. Regulus accepted to see him! Hope is not lost!

“I didn’t know you’d be here!” he has to refrain from shouting. He’s just so happy! And he’s glad Regulus doesn’t look too angry or too bad. Sure, it seems a few more hours of sleep could be helping him but apart from that, he’s the same as usual.

“It’s kind of the point of a surprise, James,” Lily can’t help but laugh a little.

“I’m really surprised, then. I… I thought you would never want to speak to me ever again, to be honest!”

“You’re very dramatic James, you know that?” Regulus looks at him with a strange intensity. As if he’s gauging every single one of his movements. It makes him a bit shy.

“Sorry, sorry. I’m just… Well, I’m happy. I’m glad you’re there, Regulus.”

“I’ll let you guys talk, then,” Lily picks up the cake and goes to sit outside on the patio. That’s when he realizes Sirius is there, too. Seemingly waiting for her. When their eyes meet, he waves before turning in index finger in circles on the side of his head. This makes James laugh a bit. Regulus turns around, to see what’s funny and rolls his eyes when he spots his brother.

“Don’t mind him. I told him to not come but we both know Sirius only does what he wants…”

“So, it was your idea? We could have talked at the flat, you know? Or are you feeling better if we’re doing it in public? I totally get it if it’s the case!”

“There were no thoughts behind it, I just wanted a coffee,” he points the cup in front of him. “It’s not like I’m afraid of you, James. But you seem like you might be afraid of me.”

“What? No! I’m not!” he tries to affirm but his voice comes out with a croak. “It’s just… I don’t really know how to act… Did you read my letter?”

“I did.” Regulus drops his gaze to his cup of coffee, watching the dark beverage swirling around his spoon.

“Oh… So… What did you think?”

“Couldn’t you text me like a normal person?”

“Uh… Well… I thought maybe you had blocked me or something… The letter was Marlene’s idea. She said she could give it to one of your friends.”

“I see…” Regulus doesn’t add anything for a moment. He looks up again then takes a sip of coffee. James can’t help but squirm on his chair, feeling a bit uncomfortable. Yet, he doesn’t say more. He’ll wait forever if it’s what it takes for Regulus to start speaking again. Fortunately, it doesn’t last this long.

“I didn’t really know what to do of your letter. I understand the sentiment and it touched me but I’m not sure if it’s enough to fix… Whatever it is that’s wrong with us. The other night, I’ve been really harsh and I wanted to tell you that I don’t really think the things I said to you. Not anymore, anyway. So, before accepting your apology, I’d like to apologize too.”

“Oh, please, don’t! The guilt is literally killing me! I never wanted you to feel as if you owed me anything, Regulus. And even if you don’t think what you said is true, I still needed to hear it. Even if it’s not you, there’s probably someone else in the world that I hurt because of my actions…” he sighs and lift his glasses, rubbing under his eyes. He often does that when he feels self-conscious. “You did a community service by screaming at me. You’re very brave for saying out loud the things many people have probably been thinking for years.”

“You’re wrong, though.” were Regulus’ eyes always this blue? They suddenly seem so different from Sirius’ in this light. Maybe it’s because of the intensity of his gaze. Or the serious edge in his voice despite the small smirk…“I did it only for me. Others will have to stop being cowards if they’re annoyed with you. So, I’ll tell you that I’m sorry and you’ll let me, alright?”

James has to bite back a smile and nods gently, “Yeah. Alright… I accept your apology… Thanks, Regulus.”

“Don’t thank me yet. I haven’t accepted yours.”

“Ha… Right. Will you?”

“I’m not sure,” he finished his cup and out it down with care. A few of his hair are sticking up on his neck. James never noticed before. It’s kind of funny.

He feels lighter than before. He leans on the table, smiling more sincerely, “And is there something I can do to help you make your decision?”

“I’m not sure of that either. I feel very conflicted with you, James. You have the ability to push my buttons in all the wrong ways and it’s really unnerving. I find you a bit annoying at best and absolutely bothersome at worst. But I also see your qualities,” as he says it, something seemingly crosses his mind and he seems lost in thoughts for a split second. “Anyway. What I wanted to tell you is that I won’t quit the band. We’ll still try to win the contest and I’ll continue to write songs for it. But after it’s done, I’ll go back to Paris. I already talk with Sirius and he stopped whining whenever he looks at me so I guess he’ll be alright.”

“O-okay. It’s great. I’m very glad, actually. Not because of the Battle, to be honest. I’m just happy you’re not shutting him out again. Am I allowed to say that or is it out of the line?”

“Please for the lord’s sake stop overthinking everything.”

“Right, sorry, sorry!”

“And stop saying sorry. You wrote a full apology letter. You shouldn’t have any sorries in stock for at least a few months.”

“Ha! I guess you’re right… Like always,” he beams at him and Regulus rolls his eyes again, hiding what seems to be a smile behind his coffee cup. James won’t mention that it’s empty. He’ll keep it for himself as long as he can imagine he made Regulus smile.

“I won’t live at your place anymore, by the way. Dorcas and McKinnon offered to lend me their couch. It’ll be better like that. I don’t think we were made to be roommates. We’re too different. Remus will get back his room and we’ll see each other at rehearsals.”

“But… What if I get like a genius song idea in the middle of the night?”

“Phones still exist, James. You can leave me vocal messages or call,” he nods toward his own, laying down on the table between them. “But don’t abuse. I’m not your mother.”

James nods vigorously, feeling like a kid the night before Christmas. “Okay, okay! I promise I won’t take advantage of your kindness! Thank you for giving me a second chance.”

“It’s not a second chance. It’s a trial period. You’re on probation, Potter.”

“I’m still glad you decided to see me today. It makes me really happy.”

“Yeah, right. You should go and take my brother with you. I can’t tolerate his presence anymore,” Regulus tries to act annoyed but James hears the fondness in his voice.

July. That’s it. The Battle of the Bands is officially on. July marks the start of the first round. Everything is in place. Everyone is ready. The Valkyries more than anyone else. There’s no way they’re losing.
Marlene is over the moon when she wakes up. She can’t help but jumps around and hums happy tunes while dressing up and brushing her teeth. It makes Dorcas smile behind her coffee. It’s going to be such a good day. A good month! A good summer, even. It’s all she ever wished for!

Well… not really. But almost!

Marlene McKinnon was born twenty-three years ago (soon to be twenty-four) in the middle of scales and arpeggios, to an opera singer mother and a music teacher father. He wanted to call her Melody but she insisted on Marlene, thanks god. He only accepted because he loved Marlene Dietrich… What a legacy!
She was an accident baby, born years after her much older brother and sister. They both left the house when she was only a toddler, leaving her to grow up pretty much as an only child. In a certain way, music was her sibling. Even alone in this house, she wasn’t her parents’ favourite child. Her mother was working a lot at the time, performing four times a week and her father had long forgotten how to deal with toddlers. In her loneliness, music was always there for her.
Her first word was almost sung and she learned to dance as soon as she could stand on her own. Still, she never wanted to learn any instruments because it meant having her own dad as a teacher. And having him as a father was already enough for her. As strict as he was at home, she couldn’t bear to think how harsh he could be on his students. So, she stayed away from this form of art. Even singing seemed too risky. Her mum had the habit of acting really coldly towards others she deemed trying to take her place. Aging made her lose confidence and all she had was bitterness in her heart.

Marlene and Peter and James were more into sports growing up, anyway. They played any kind of ball games, using Pete as a referee. He knew all the rules thanks to his amazing eidetic memory. She would often cheat in order to win and bribed Peter with the promise of playing chess with him afterwards. It always worked. James never knew any of it. It helped that she played some basketball and hockey at school. She was one of the best girls in her year and poor James just thought he was bad. When he became part of the basketball team and everyone praised him for being so good, he always said it was thanks to Marlene’s help. Because she was so strong, you see? She quit the girls team after one semester. Told James it was due to scheduling conflict and took a spot in the girls football team as assistant manager. To this day, he still believes she was sort of a prodigy. Peter and her promised each other to take this secret to their graves. James must never learn about it. Not that he would be mad or sad or anything. They just wouldn’t want to explain to everyone else how they manipulated him for years… What if others tried? Great powers mean great responsibilities. They have to protect James! It’s their sworn duty. At least, that what they’ve been telling themselves for the past ten years.

Marlene took an interest in music only when the boys decided to make a band. Without her. What do you mean without her? Surely, they had forgotten her, one way or another. James had invited Peter and all his new best friends but not her? When she was the most logical choice? She had been replaced by the most insufferable guy she ever knew and some lanky and mousy boy! She loved Remus and tolerated Sirius (he was one of her best friends) but she couldn’t tolerate this affront. For the first time since they had started school and met other people, it felt like James saw her a someone else. As a girl! Before that, they were the three musketeers. The best of friends. It didn’t change when they turned twelve and got new best friends. It didn’t matter if Mary and Sirius and Lily and Remus took some place in their heart. They were still supposed to be best friends! Brothers!

She was fourteen and took it as a war declaration. A betrayal. As quickly as she could, she created her own all-girls band. Thankfully, her roommate and best friend, Mary, could play the guitar and had been learning how to play trumpet since she was nine. Marlene decided to pick up the bass because she thought it was the coolest instrument (and she wanted to piss off Sirius). After that, they had to look for at least two other members. That’s how they met Sybill, the nice but kind of weird girl who sat next to Lily in her French class. They heard her play her harp in a hallway once, at lunch, and it felt like evidence. She even could play the piano! After that, Marlene decided to hunt down Dorcas, the stunning students representative of their year. Not only was she clever and pretty and witty but she was also a musician. She wrote songs in her spare time, Marlene once heard her say so to one of her friends, and was playing drums in a band with her siblings! It was fate. Only a few days after the birth of The Marauders, the Valkyries were formed.

But, unlike the boys, they didn’t perform right away in front of the whole school. They had what their rivals lacked: dignity. So, as most normal people do, they rehearsed whenever they had the time. For years, they met almost every evening and even when they had free periods. Their school’s music teacher gave them advices and guidance. Marlene agreed to teach Sirius how to play the bass but only because she found him a bit pitiful. Even James, who had never picked up a guitar before in his life, was better than him… Sirius just tried too hard to be a rockstar. He didn’t even try to be a good musician first. He only lived for the spotlights.

The Marauders gained a bit of fame in and out of their school. In their fifth year, they played covers and original songs every weekend in the main Hall, with the teachers’ approval. People either liked them because they thought they were cute and funny or disliked them because they found them not good enough. And they weren’t.
At this point, the Valkyries were already way better than them. Objectively, of course!
Mainly because three out of four of their members already knew how to play their instruments prior to starting the band and the last one, Marlene, was born with perfect pitch. She could pick up anything and quickly find how to play it. Not to mention her singing voice was actually pretty good, too. She listened to some audiobooks her mum had done and taught herself from videos and books. They had more potential than the boys overall. But that was their main problem. And still is.

They aren’t boys.

Any attempts of trying to get their classmates’ interest was a failure because everyone thought they were only doing that for attention. It wasn’t helping that Mary and Sirius had kind of a weird fling going on at the time, pushing even more this narrative. They simply were not taken seriously. From amateur musicians they became “pick-mes”. It was infuriating. So, they decided to keep it low. Well, Dorcas suggested it and they all followed because she always made sense.
They rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed and rehearsed. All the while still studying and taking part in their extracurriculars. Dorcas was in the run to become valedictorian and student body president, Sybill spent most of her free time at the greenhouse or the dance studio and Mary helped the school’s nurse whenever she could. Marlene herself had a very busy schedule between the band, the tutoring sessions she gave and her position as the assistant manager for the girls’ football team. She even helped Dorcas, Lily and Remus with some school committee duties.

By the end of their last year of school, they had a few fans. Mostly girls. Mostly their friends. James and company were part of it. They liked their music but were too lost in their own soon-to-be-career to be good supporters. They just wanted it too hard. It didn’t left space for others. Even Remus, who was known to be the most selfless one of the bunch, let himself get wrapped around this fantasy like the others.

Lily and Dorcas’ friends group were their most loyal followers. Even Sirius’ brother, Regulus, was there sometimes when they rehearsed their new songs. It was a nice time in their lives. Juggling with school and friends and music, writing and rehearsing. They had lots of fun. It didn’t leave a lot of space for other things, not that they cared. Mary tried dating a few times but it always ended up disappointing. Sybill spoke mainly to flowers and plants. Marlene had an obsession on a fellow bandmate, to not name names, and Dorcas was too busy being perfect.

After graduation, they decided to put the band on hold as each of them was now trying to find their place in the world. Unlike the Marauders, they wanted to work on themselves before working on some unlikely career path. So, they did just that.

First, Marlene left her home. She was eighteen and her parents wanted to enjoy their time together as they were used, by now, to being child-free most of the year. None of them could think about living under the same roof for more than a few weeks. She wasn’t close enough to her sibling to suggest living with either of them so she decided to pack her things and go to London. Sirius had a flat there, inherited from some uncle and he suggested they live together for a time.
James’ parents bought him a flat, not far from Sirius’, and he moved in, a suitcase in one hand and Remus in the other. He kind of forced him to come and Remus reluctantly accepted. Well, he tried to fight back for a whole sixth months before he agreed. Peter found a place with his roommate, Benjy, on the outskirts of the city, close to his university and his work. It wasn’t that far from them either if you took the tub. This way, they could all spend time together, just liked they used to. It was perfect. The first year almost took them back to how it was when they were kids. Meeting up after work to play and fool around. Only they were now five instead of three. But Marlene enjoyed it. For the first time in a while, she felt again like one of the boys instead of being James’ girl best friend. Coming out to him and Peter kind of helped it, too. She was a proud lesbian and they were her proud best friends.

Meanwhile, Lily lived with her sister and her fiancé for some time and Mary was in Scotland, with her mum, working in order to pay her studies. Both of them decided to move in together after a few months, unable to endure their families or the distance longer. They weren’t even together yet. They just missed living with each other the way they had been doing for the past seven years. Marlene saw it coming from very far. She was the only one. James probably always knew in some part of his very tiny brain but he didn’t know what it was yet. The most surprised was Peter. Surprised, yes, but really happy for them. Coincidentally, the flat they found was in the same building as Dorcas’. It meant seeing her more often as Marlene spent a lot of time at their place. As time passed, Sirius became more and more unbearable. Most of the days, she was at her friends’ flat. Either James’ or Lily’s. She liked the latest better because she could hang out with Dorcas.

Nothing had really happened between them at this point. They went to the same school, shared some classes, had the same friends and were part of the same band. Marlene was in love with her but Dorcas didn’t know. And it was great just like that! They were friends! Good friends! Bandmates! Soulmates. They kissed once, at their graduation party. Marlene was far from sober and she was sure that Dorcas didn’t remember as she said nothing the day after. So she left it at that. In her young mind, it was doomed to stay the greatest love story that never was.
What she didn’t know was that Dorcas was truly madly deeply in love with her since their fourth year of school. Apparently, she started to like her when she saw Marlene punch Sirius in the face one day. Marlene doesn’t remember that day or why she punched Sirius but she’s certain he deserved it. Firstly because he’s a dumbass and secondly because that’s what made Dorcas fall in love with her.

Fate works in mysterious ways because, only a few days after the incident, Marlene hunted down Dorcas to ask her to join their band. It was the perfect occasion and she took it. Apparently, she never said anything after the graduation party because Marlene was drunk that night and Dorcas was scared she only acted because of that. They stayed friends for a year and a half or so, spending time at Lily and Mary’s place or seeing each other at parties. They went out a few times, as friends. Then, one day, they kissed again. Both of them were fully sober and Marlene can still remember the feeling of her sweaty palms hovering over Dorcas’ cheeks, feeling really self-conscious. But then Dorcas leaned in, pressing her skin against her and then it was her lips on her lips and the sweetest kiss ever known to man. Well, to woman in this case.

It only took a few more weeks before Marlene officially left Sirius’ place to move in with Dorcas in her nice two bedrooms flat. And, only months after, they started the band again. Now, two years later, everything is going smoothly in her life. It’s literally perfect. She’s working as a model for Pandora’s brand and often sing for ads or radio jingles. It’s not paying a lot but she likes what she does. Also, she shares her life with the most wonderful and intelligent woman ever and she couldn’t dare ask for more than she has now. Except if more means winning the competition.

When Marlene heard about the Battle from James, the Valkyries decided it was going to be their next goal. The boys had been trying to participate for five years at this point. Always being turned down for one reason or another. The girls got in on their first try. And not only that but they also started the competition as the favourites. It meant they’d go directly to the second round as the number of participants was odd. Stealing Peter from the Marauders helped them a bit, too. But, to be completely honest, Marlene mostly did that as a petty revenge. She wanted to show James that he wasn’t the only one in the world whose dreams mattered. That she could go far, too. And she succeeded. Like always.

She has to agree with Regulus on one thing. Her best friend can be a tad self-centred sometimes but he never means to hurt people. He’s just a golden child. James’ bit of an ass but he’s also one of the most caring and lovely people she knows. And it’s for that reason she’s going to teach him a lesson by winning the Battle. She won’t back down. She wants to show him and the world that talent matters more than gender. The Valkyries’ win will matter more than the Marauders’ and it’s only facts.

***

It’s a Thursday when they get the first official text from the Committee of the Battle. The first round is done and the Marauders are still on! It was almost sure but it’s still good news. They’ve all decided to throw a little party even though it’s a weeknight. For once, everyone is free. They couldn’t pass on the opportunity! It’s as rare as a full moon! Well, if full moons were rare. Maybe most like a blue moon or something? Anyway. As usual, they’ll go to Sirius’ place because he has the best flat out of all of them. Must be good being a rich heir…

Marlene wasn’t sure if Regulus would come or not but she said nothing when he followed her and Dorcas out of their flat. He looks better than the last few days but she can still see weariness in his eyes, even if he tries to act otherwise. She knows him. Not that well but they spent a fair amount of time together when they were still at school. She had an embarrassingly huge crush on Dorcas and did anything she could to stay by her side. It meant following her around the school’s grounds and cheering along at her friends’ tournaments and everything. She probably went to more of him swim meets than Sirius.

She wouldn’t dare to call Regulus or pretend knowing what’s going on in his mind but they’re far from being hostile with each other. He probably likes her much more than James and that’s a good point in her book. It rarely happens, being favoured to James Fleamont Potter. Well, she says that but she’s almost certain Effie and Monty like her better, too. She’s the daughter they never got. Take that, James and Sirius!

When they get to the flat, most of their friends are already there. Obviously, Remus and James were the firsts to arrive. As usual. She could even bet Remus spent the night… His relationship with Sirius isn’t a secret for any of them but it’s way funnier to see them dancing around each other pretending not being madly in love with their best friend. So no one will say anything to them.
Lily probably only got here a few moments before the three of them because she’s still wearing her shoes. Sybil is singing in the kitchen, mixing beverages by the sound of it. Only Peter and Mary are missing, certainly still at work but they promised to make it tonight. James wanted to invite more people but Remus suggested they keep it for themselves. They all agreed. Also, Dorcas said they shouldn’t waste the celebrations before the finals, at least. As always, she’s right! Especially when the party will be in their honour. Marlene wouldn’t want to have to repeat her victory speech too many times.

“Oh, by the way,” Lily is chatting with Remus as they’re piling in the entryway. Everyone is shuffling out of their coats and removing their shoes. As she’s talking, she leans on Remus for support. “I heard that Rita Skeeter is going to be the official hostess of the Battle. Along with Lucinda.”

“No fucking way! Skeeter Squeaker?” Sirius chimes in, pressing his side to Remus’. Marlene can feel Dorcas glance and they share a silent laugh with each other. They have this game where, every time they see Sirius and Remus, they’ll bet on a few things they’re certain the guys will do. Unnecessary physical contacts or touches, weird private jokes with a lot of meanings, kissing and then acting as if nothing happened, all that jazz. It’s always really funny to witness. Dorcas wins the first round tonight.

Sybill, coming back from the kitchen, a mug in hand, adds, “I thought she was in America. Wasn’t she working for some big-name magazine? And who’s Lucinda again?”

“Is that the girl Bella dated when we were sixteen?” asks Regulus, speaking for the first time since they arrived.

“What? Bellatrix dated Rita?” Marlene can’t believe it! How and when did it happened? Why no one seems that surprised by the news? Did she really missed the most insufferable couple of the century?

“Lucinda was in our French class, Billy. She’s the girl who dressed as Marie-Antoinette once,” Lily, who’s now free of her shoes, kindly answers Sybill’s question. She nods, seemingly remembering her.

“Oh yeah I recall that!” James starts laughing just like Sirius. “Rita wrote that insane article about Bellatrix in the school paper, pretending it was from someone else. Another student working with her told the truth to everyone.”

“How the fuck did I miss that?” whines Marlene, almost pouting.

“She was a good reporter, in the days. I’m sure she’ll be a great hostess, don’t you think?” Dorcas cuts in, before anyone has the chance to add anything. She sends James and Sirius a knowing look. She was getting along with Rita at the time and she probably still feel good about her. They boys stop snickering along and a few shoulders are shrugged before everyone decide it’s time to find seats in the living room.

“Her Marie-Antoinette was really well put-together. I wish she had made a post-revolution version, though,” Sybill murmurs, following the others. Marlene wonders what she means by that. Like… Did she want Lucinda to behead herself for the sake of their French course? That’s a bit intense…

“What do you mean you guys don’t have a song?” Lily is looking at Remus, kind of appalled. “Last week you told me you were set… What happened?

“You know what happened,” he sighs before taking a hit on his cigarette. She doesn’t like it that much when he smokes but he’s been stressed lately so she’ll let it slide tonight. But only tonight. “Sirius doesn’t want to use that song anymore. Apparently, it brings too many bad memories.”

“Did James or Regulus say so?”

“Absolutely not. They refuse to acknowledge it, actually. But you know Sirius. He has to be dramatic or else he wouldn’t be himself… You should see how they all acted at rehearsal yesterday…” he tries to sound annoyed but she can see the smile lingering on his lips. He’ll always deny it but he’s definitely the glue keeping the band together. He’s the perfect balance with James’ mind, Sirius’ passion and, know, with Regulus’ temper. He works so well with each of them. It’s a bit of a miracle, really. What would they do without him? No one knows, that’s for sure. Lily rolls her eyes and lay her head on his shoulder.

“Well, tell me more!” she gently nudges him and so, he starts explaining.

Apparently, Sirius arrived late because he was busy doing something else and thus left Remus alone with James and Regulus. It was very awkward and Remus hates awkward situations so he just tried to focus on putting his drums set back together. He had not touched it since the night of Alice’s party and it needed a bit of care, you see. He could have done it earlier but he had a lot going on with works and… stuff. So, there he was, minding his own business, when the two others started acting… Peculiar.
They tried to do a bit of small talk but they were going nowhere, you see. Remus spent fifteen minutes alone in a room with them and it felt like three decades. At least. It was so bad that James had just asked Regulus what he thought of the current weather when Sirius finally appeared at the door. Lily can absolutely imagine the state he was in with Remus’ lengthy description. Long black hair tied back, cracked nail polish, wearing a crop top and low-rise jeans. Absolutely scandalous. Absolutely Sirius. Of course, everyone is the room felt the need to listen to whatever he had to say because it meant they didn’t need to speak to each other. Sirius went on a rant about people paying their bus fares and why he would never be part of this crowd and that was the whole reason of why he was late and he hated public transportation because it made him feel poor and he was tired and oh, lord, we have to start writing a new song ASAP. At that moment of the story, Remus sighs again.

“You should have seen his face… He was so, so serious!” he shakes his head. The three of them were seemingly very confused and looked at him until he started explaining how the song they had worked so hard on wasn’t the right one and they should write another one. A better one. Something cheery and happy and not depressing or talking about love or anything! Regulus tried to explain how it wouldn’t work but Sirius would not listen to him. They went around in circles for a few minutes, arguing about lyrics and music and instruments but it went nowhere. Obviously.

“Please, tell me one of you suggested to send James’ song about his mum’s guinea pig!” Lily can’t help but laugh at the idea. Imagine the very important judges reviewing James Potter’ silliest song to date. It could work, the audacity. It’d match their energy after all.

“I have to admit I was tempted but Sirius looked so on edge, I was afraid he’d start going on another rant. Like, about the importance of not fucking up and everything. You know how he can be when he’s in one of his moods,” Remus sends her a knowing look and she nods, biting the laugh on her lips.

So, they all agreed to try and work on a new song because no one in their right mind would try contradicting Sirius when he’s like that. Not even Regulus. It’s not fault trying. He bickered a bit with his brother again before letting it go. He was really vexed and stomped his feet a little when he walked to the desk. While they were trying to come up with a new topic of song, Remus kept on minding his own business and once his drums were all good, he still pretended he had to do more stuff on it just to stay out of their discussion.
And what a discussion! James was actively advocating for the rights of every silly song on earth while Sirius explained the importance of grand topics such as mommy issues and psychedelic rock. No one even tried to understand the connection. Remus felt empathy for poor Regulus, stuck between the two of them. He was trying so hard to keep his cool. Truly a huge accomplishment he did there.

“I can’t believe Sirius isn’t aware of what is going on,” Lily shakes her head.

“Oh, I absolutely can,” Remus tells her before nodding towards their friends, on the inside. “He has no idea of whatever happens outside of his bubble. He can be a bit egocentric like that, sometimes. Most of the time.”

And it’s true. Sirius is currently flaying his hands, obviously talking about something very important to him, at a very drunk James and a very annoyed Regulus. Both of them are clearly avoiding looking at each other and trying to make sense of what he’s telling them. They can try but it’s obvious that whatever issue they have is still unresolved, at least partially. Just the way Regulus is standing very straight and as far from James as he can while the latter is downing drinks and shots one after the other. Lily pities them a bit but it’s not her place to pry and take part in whatever they have going on. She already did enough with the meeting.

Apparently, Dorcas is thinking the same because she’s sitting on the couch next to them, watching it all unfold with a mischievous look. She probably knows more than her in the way she leans against the cushions and simply observes everything. Maybe Lily will ask her later. It’s only natural for them to share this kind of information, right? It’s about their mutual friends’ well-being, after all.

“So… No song, then?” she turns back to Remus. He’s done with his smoke and gently puts it down in the ashtray. Sirius bought it only because of Remus. It’s kind of a sweet attention.

“Well… No. We still have time but I’d just like if they could resolve their issues. I understand that James was a prick and Regulus was hurt and it’s awkward but personal matters shouldn’t interfere with the band. Especially this close to the start of the Battle.”

“You’re always so serious, Rem. No wonder you’re the leader!”

“Shut up,” he gently shoves her. “You know I’m not. Sirius is very adamant on being the face of the Marauders. He says he was born to be everyone’s star.”

“Well, Sirius can be wrong sometimes! Everyone knows you’re the real mastermind. Always have and always be.”

At that, a laugh escapes his lips and he frowns, “What are you on?”

“For real! Since the start, you’ve always been the fans’ sweetheart. There’s plenty of obnoxious people doing music. I love Sirius but his brand needs some refreshing. And it’s too easy to love someone like James. But you,” she points him with her index finger and presses it against his t-shirt. “You’re the underdog. Interesting appearance, incredibly skilled musician and you’re not trying to be under the spotlights. You were made to shine.”

Remus looks at her in awe for a few seconds, mouth agape, before bursting in laughter. It’s too much. He doesn’t stop laughing for a solid minute, wheezing and leaning against her shoulder. As if she had told him the best joke ever known to man.

“I’m serious!” she tries but there’s no avail.

He shakes his head and pass a hand in his hair after calming down a bit. “You’re fucking with me, Lils. There’s no way you thought about all of that and really came down to this conclusion.”

“I’m not! Every girl at school had a crush on you. Sure, most of these girls realised they liked girls a few years later but it doesn’t change anything. And, for what it’s worth, you always were my favourite.”

“Aw, love, I’m your best friend. I sure hope I was your favourite.”

“It could’ve been James. Or even Peter.”

“What about Sirius?”

“Way too obnoxious. You’re the only one able to spend more than a few hours with him without feeling absolutely drained. I can’t understand how you do it.”

“Well, you know, love…” the last word comes out as a whisper and it makes Lily’s heart flutters. It’s only been a few days since Remus confirmed what she already knew. James knows so, to him, it was only natural to tell her. He was very shy about it and she comforted him, letting him take his time. She didn’t tell him that almost everyone else is already aware. That their relationship is an open secret. They deserve to come out with their truth whenever they feel like it. Still, she’s happy that he chose to tell her. He trusts her enough with his secrets and that’s really what matters the most for her.

“Yeah, I know… Love,” Lily tenderly smiles and she scoots closer to him, hugging him tight. She firmly believes in the existence of soulmates. She found hers, at least. In Remus’ eyes and Mary’s heart. In Pandora’s smiles, James’ laughter and even Petunia’s hands. Soulmates aren’t easy but they’re comforting. Such a nice thought to know you’ll always have a home wherever they are. In this moment, her home is pressed against her heart. She squeezes it softly, keeping it close. She loves Remus so much but it’ll never be enough. But she knows he loves her too much too and it’s all she needs, really.

They stay like that for a while, looking at the night’s sky and listening to their friends’ chatter in the back. Lily wonders if Mary will soon be there, to be honest. She deeply misses her. They see each other every day but it’s always in passing. Her girlfriend works long hours these days so they don’t have a lot of time to spend together except when they’re in bed. And even then, most of the time it’s a matter of going to sleep or waking up without Mary by her side. If not both. They’re both very busy but it’ll be better soon. You see, they’re saving money to buy a house. Their own little place. Sure, they love their flat but it’s not what they dream of. They’d like something big so they’d could have space for their hobbies. A home studio with a black room for Lily’s photography and an atelier for Mary’s art. And a lot of empty walls to put their work on it. They want spare rooms for their friends but, also, for their future children. Ideally, there would be a pretty backyard. Lily loves flowers and Effie gave her a lot of tips to grow her own vegetables. So, that’s the dream they’re going for. Even if it means long hours at the hospital for Mary and many uninteresting contracts for Lily. She’ll take thousands of pictures for independent car magazines if it gets her her dreamhouse.

Eventually, Remus and Lily go back inside. Sirius stopped bothering his brother and is slow dancing with Sybill. From what she gets, they’re talking about the importance of astrology in relationships. Everything is rather important to Sirius. Every topic of every conversation always holds a greater meaning. She smiles and joins Regulus and Dorcas on the couch. They’re not doing anything, really, but watching Marlene, Peter and James play an intense game of chess involving drinks and cheese apparently? At least Lily can guess it does when James shouts after getting one of his rooks off the board (in a way that is certainly not in a rulebook) and unceremoniously bites in a block of cheese. Marlene laughs like a madwoman and takes three shots. Pete is the referee. He puts the piece in his pocket.

“What are they doing?”

“We lost hope to understand when the cheese appeared,” flatly says a very unimpressed Regulus.

“I just hope my girl is winning,” adds Dorcas, sipping a glass of red wine. She has a tender smile on her face as she looks at Marlene. It’s absolutely lovely.

“James is the only one eating cheese so I think McKinnon is well on her way to victory,” and for someone pretending he doesn’t care, Regulus seems to care very much about the weird game happening in front of him. Lily’s curiosity pushes her to nudge him a bit.

“So you’re rooting for him, right?”

The boy tenses a bit and shakes his head, “No way. I’m for McKinnon.”

“No, babe, it’s unfair. I’m already her cheerleader. You have to get on Potter’s side.”

“Lily can do that, can’t you?” he turns to her, his eyes expecting an answer she won’t give him. It’s too funny to annoy him.

“Oh, no. Me? I’m neutral. Like Switzerland. I just arrived, after all. I don’t get all the ins and outs of this very important game of cheese-shots-chess.”

“Cheese-shots-chess?” this gets a snort out of Dorcas.

“Great name, right? Just thought of it at this instant.”

“I get why you and James are friends,” mutters Regulus. He probably wanted it to sound like a dig at them but it comes out nice and sweet.

He’s a sweet guy, really. Always trying so hard to shut everyone out when, in reality, he lets everything in. More than he wants, more than he can take. They’ve been talking a bit since the cowboys party. Their first formal introduction. He often takes pictures of pretty flowers and sends them to her. It always makes her so happy. They’ll chat a bit and then go on with their day.
She gets why Pandora and Dorcas likes him so much. Especially the latter. She already told her once that he’s like her timid but lovely little brother. Sure, he can be annoying sometimes but she’ll always love him, nonetheless. He makes Lily thinks of Remus, in a sense. They’re both peaceful and quiet most of the time but they’re working with deadlines. They’re ticking bombs. But one of them went to therapy and the other is a Black. Remus learned to talk about how he feels even if it makes him uncomfortable and sad. From what she heard, Regulus just drowns himself in his problems and, when he reaches the bottom, he simply swims away.

“Yeah, James’ a good friend,” Lily nods and her smile softens a bit. “I hope he’s not bothering you too much.”

“No. Everything’s fine.”

“Is it, really?” it’s Dorcas asking and there’s something in her voice. Something that says that her question holds more weight than it should.

Regulus is stuck between the two of them and he knows there’s no way out of it. He drops his gaze to his hands, pressed on his laps, and sighs. “I’m fine. Really.”

“Remus told me Sirius wants you to write a new song.”

“Yeah. He’s a prat. There’s nothing wrong with the one we had.”

“Except you don’t want to sing it with him,” Dorcas’ eyes fall on James. He’s gone through half of the cheese and there’s only a few of his pieces left on the board. Peters’ pockets are comically full, just like Marlene’s glass.

“And it won’t happen. We talked about it. We’re fine.”

“If you say so…” she might offer him an exit but Dorcas sounds like she’s not done with the conversation. There’s something lying under her words. Lily can see it in the tenderness of her eyes and the slight curve of her lips. In the way Regulus pointedly avoid looking at her, or at James for that matter. At anything, really, but his hands. He’s playing with the hem of his t-shirt, turning and twisting the fabric between his fingers. Like that, he looks more like a petulant child than anything. He’s not cold and unforgiving. He’s just a young man who wants to say things he cannot talk about.

“Oh my god,” Lily looks at him, at Dorcas, at James and she gets it. It clicks into place and she feels really stupid. How could she have not seen it sooner? It literally explains everything. Regulus’ reaction and why James’ was so desperate for forgiveness. The way they’re awkward around each other and don’t know how to act as friends.

“What?” Dorcas offers her a curious smile.

Lily leans closer towards him and Dorcas imitates her, wanting to hear it too. “Have you and James been going out secretly?”

Regulus can’t believe his ears.

He looks at Lily, eyes wide, as Dorcas laughs like crazy. She’s pressed against his shoulder and he can feel her shaking. This is not happening. A weak “what?” is all that gets out of his mouth. He’s too stunned to speak.

“You and James. You’re going out, right? Or at least there’s something going on?”

“No!” he cuts her out and quickly checks out the coffee table where James and his friends are blissfully disputing a stupid game of chess. Thanks lord he’s too drunk and invested in his on-going defeat to be eavesdropping. Regulus turns back to Lily and shakes his head vigorously, “There’s absolutely nothing like that. Why would you even think that?”

“Well, it’s the only reason why you would get into a fight this big, for starters. And it’d explain why James was so affected by it. Like, breakups are hard!”

“No, no,” a long sigh escapes his lips. “James’ just an idiot.”

She seems to agree with that as she nods before pressing on, “So you didn’t break up?”

“Absolutely not!” Regulus can’t believe this. What even is this discussion? “James’ not gay. And even if he were, I doubt I’d be his type.”

“Oh, but you’re not denying that you love him?”

“I… I won’t discuss such ridiculous claims!” he tries so hard, his hardest really, to sound serious and bored but he can feel his face getting hotter by the second. He’s such a fool. He was supposed to be over all of this!

“Oh my god you’re in love with James! Does he know?”

“Of course he doesn’t know!” the truth slips out of his mouth before he can even think about what he just said. Fuck. Dorcas keeps chuckling, very entertained by what’s happening right before her eyes. She won’t help him, though. He’s alone in this.

“Oh god! Oh! God!” Lily squeals and puts her hand against her mouth, trying to be quieter. It doesn’t work. Marlene shots them a curious glance but is quickly called back to her game as James lost yet again another piece. He’s down to three. How the fuck did he manage to keep his Queen all this time?

“Stop that!” Regulus looks pointedly at the redhaired girl. She has to stop giggling like a schoolgirl or else everyone will want to know what they’re talking about. They’re all so nosy it’s a nightmare. It’s already hard enough to act natural while having this conversation, especially as Dorcas makes no effort. They’re so annoying.

“I’m sorry! I’m just so surprised!” Lily bites on her lips and looks at him like he’s a totally new person. “But does that mean it’s not reciprocated?”

“I told you he’s not gay!” Regulus sighs, closing his eyes and pinching his nose bridge.

That’s the moment Remus chooses to reappear from the kitchen. He has a huge glass of coloured beverage in hand and he sits next to Lily, curiosity shining in his eyes. Not him too! “Who’s not gay?” he asks, sipping on his straw.

“No one!” the three of them say in union. At least Lily is clever enough to know how to keep a secret. He’s thankful for that.

Remus looks at them a bit puzzled. He opens his mouth then closes it. After a few more seconds, he shrugs it off and lets himself slips onto the floor, joining the thrilling game of cheese-shots-chess as they decided to call it. He sides with James. Maybe he’ll help him for a round or two but it’s only a matter of time before his inevitable demise.

The three still on the couch wait for him to be really into the game before resuming to their conversation. They’re closer and talk in a hushed tone. It feels like they’re children all over again.
Lily stopped giggling and she looks at Regulus with her pretty green eyes. They’re shining a bit and he doesn’t know if it’s because of alcohol or curiosity. For his sake, he won’t ask. She tilts her head a bit, almost knocking into Dorcas, “To be honest, we can’t be sure he doesn’t like boys. Like, he never really liked anyone.”

“Except you,” points Regulus.

At that, she smiles sheepishly, “Yeah, except me. If that even counts.” It does. “But my point still stands! It’s not because we never saw him with a guy that he doesn’t like boys!”

“That’s true, babe. Maybe someone should just ask him,” adds Dorcas. She regained her composure and they’re so close that some of her braids graze lightly against his cheekbone. He knows her too well to not notice the trouble in her eyes.

“Fuck no. No one should ever ask that question.”

“I agree but it’s James. And it’s a safe place. Like, what’s the worse thing that could happen? He’s already the token straight friend!” Lily gestures as Marlene wails. Apparently, Remus helped James and she lost her first piece. Great work, Lupin. James smiles like a kid, holding the little wooden knight.

“No, no. If… If he’s not straight and he still doesn’t like me, and he won’t because, I mean, why would he ever like me when I’m just his best friend’s little brother and someone from his band and we’re not friends or close like that and, truly, I don’t care for his affection because it’ll just be more troublesome, then I think I’ll never recover.”

“But, Reggie, what is there not to love?”

“What?”

“Why are you so sure that he wouldn’t like you? You’re a lovely person! And you saw how he reacted at the thought of not having you in his life,” Lily frowns. “Even if he doesn’t see you romantically, it’s clear that he wants to be your friend. Like, that’s been clear for the past ten years, at least!”

“She’s right, babe. You know damn well she is.”

“Fuck…” Regulus is so, so uncomfortable right now. He’d like to get out of his own body and just disappear. “All this time he only wanted to be friends with me because it felt like evidence to him. Because he’s dumb and he can’t fathom the idea of someone disliking him. And because he wanted to be Sirius’ brother. But the reality is that we don’t know each other. What if… What if he realizes I’m not at all the person he thought I was?”

“Then he’ll learn to love the real you. Or maybe you’ll be the one realizing he’s different.”

“I… I’ve been living in my head all this time. I’m not sure I’m ready for this tale to be over,” he feels very, very naked right now. It’s the first time he admits it out loud.
It’s a room full of people he knows but here, between Dorcas and Lily, he feels comfortable enough to spill his secrets. Wow. Who would’ve thought? He’s made lots of progress since he first came here, lonely and lost. It’s only been a little over a month but everything changed so much. He’ll have a million things to tell Barty the next time he sees him. Stuff he can’t tell through the phone because it feels awkward to even talk about it in the first place. But Regulus knows that, as soon as he'll see his best friend again, everything will come spilling out. He can’t help it. Barty has that kind of power of making him share all his secrets. That’s how his friends knew about his crush on James. And that’s why he flew Paris. Because he wasn’t ready to talk about what he went through and he knew that, if Barty was there, he wouldn’t be able to stay silent.

Dorcas gently squeezes his leg with hers and smile at him, fondly. “You decided to start over, right? So, it’s the perfect time to let go of this fairytale. Or to make it true. You have to grow in order to change, Reg.”

“I’ll go ask James! He can’t refuse me anything!” Lily winks at them and Regulus doesn’t even get the chance to call after her that she’s already on the floor, scooting next to James.
He has a half-eaten block of cheese in one hand, which is disgusting, and a white chess piece in the other; the knight he took from McKinnon. His hair is slicked back a bit because he restlessly ran his fingers in it for the past hour. His glasses are crooked on the bridge of his nose and there’s a stupid smile on his face. Either due to the alcohol or his stupidity. Fuck. He’s lovely. Oh lord, get a grip!

Regulus can’t watch what’s about to happen. He can’t look as his biggest, and only really, crush ever admits it’ll never be possible because of course he’s not gay! It’s written all over him! Just look! There’s no way James Potter would ever like boys.

“Do you like boys, Jamesy?” Lily looks at him with a mischievous smile but James, who is really invested in his game, barely hears her.

“What?”

She rolls her eyes, insisting, “Boys. Do you like them?”

“Oh, yes! Of course, I love my boys,” he beams, looking over the room to his friends. “I love Pete and Rem and Pads! And let’s not forget Frank! Oh, and you remember Benjy? I love Benjy! And Amos and Caradoc! Such nice guys…”

What about me? Regulus is pissed. Did he forget him on purpose? Is he not part of the boys? They’re supposed to be starting over! Again! He can’t help but cross his arms and pout a little. James fucking Potter.

Meanwhile, Lily bites a laugh on her lips, “No, not like that!”

“Oi, Lils, why are you asking James if he’s a boys kisser?” McKinnon stopped thinking about her next move and watches them with furrowed eyebrows. To be fair, everyone around the board stopped doing what they were doing and look at Lily with curious eyes.

“I’m curious, that’s all,” says Lily in a cunning way. She tries to be cute, batting her eyelashes at her friend, but it doesn’t seem to work. Marlene’s expression is even more suspicious.

“I never kissed a boy,” answers James very earnestly. Too earnestly. Of course, he never kissed a boy. The only person he ever kissed is pressing her shoulder against his, asking if he kisses boys.

“Our James isn’t a boys kisser,” adds Peter, with conviction. And he’s his childhood best friend so he’d know, right?

The last nail in Regulus’ tragic dreamed love story is Marlene, the other childhood friend, nodding along. “Yeah, we would know if James was fruity. I mean, he’s our token straight friend after all!”

At that, James shrugs before pointing to Pettigrew, “What about Pete?”

“Mate,” Marlene seems to wonder if he’s serious or not. “Pete has a boyfriend. Has been for like… Four years.”

“What? Who?”

“Did you really think Benjy was only my roommate? I invite him everywhere! He comes to all of our family bonding activities! We hold hands! We kiss!”

“What?” this time, James gets up on wobbly legs and shouts. Not of anger, just of surprise. He gets back down and crawl to grips Peter’s shoulders. “Mate! I’m so happy for you! Benjy’s such a great guy!”

“Yeah, I know. He’s my boyfriend!” he answer, a huge smile on his face. Mostly disbelief and a bit of real happiness. Regulus remembers calling James a self-centred and he might have not been wrong on this one because how could he not notice that his childhood best friend had a boyfriend?

It seems to be really funny to Marlene who’s laughing her ass off. “James, maybe you are a boys kisser, after all. You’re so oblivious to love!”

“I’m not!” he seems offended and Regulus doesn’t know what he’s referring to. Love or boys kisser? Please James, be more specific!

“Oh yes, you are,” Marlene’s barking, her laugh shaking her from head to toes. “I mean, you just discovered Peter and Benjy are a thing. They’ve been a thing for four fucking years!”

“Okay, okay. Maybe I’m a bit oblivious,” James puts his hands up and shrugs a bit. “But we never talk about stuff like that, together! It’s not my fault…”

“Yeah, it's true. And I never told you outright. I just thought you had figured it out. As everyone else did,” Peter gently pats his shoulder.

“Right. But what about when you thought you were madly in love with Lily for fucking years and then dumped her after two weeks?” Marlene gives her a pointed look.

James groans a bit, “I didn’t dump her. It was a mutual decision!”

“That's right. We weren’t compatible as lovers,” Lily nudges him a bit and they share smiles. Regulus is so fucking jealous.

“Still, did you ever like someone else? Other than Lily?” Marlene is very invested in this conversation now.

“Uh, no?” he lightly taps his chin with his fingers, thinking about it. “I guess I didn’t. I never really thought about it, though. Maybe I am a boys kisser? I don’t really think about that! I don’t need love; I have my friends.”

What would Regulus give to be able to read his mind right now… To peak into his brain and see his thoughts. James’ not against being a boys kisser… But he doesn’t seem to be interested in it. To be fair, the only thing James loves more than his friends and family is music. That’s almost all he ever talks about. It could be annoying but it’s not, because he knows a lot about music and always have interesting anecdotes and stuff to say. And he’s an open book so it’s not like he’s mysterious in any way. He’ll tell you all about his favourite colour (red, but a pretty red, almost orange, like the colour of a basketball) or his favourite movie (Roman Holiday because he’s a huge fan of Audrey Hepburn and liked the kind of open ending) if only you happen to talk about something related to them. But, yeah, right now? James is a bit intriguing. It’s true that Regulus never heard him talk about relationships with anyone else. It’s a thing to avoid talking about it around Sirius and Remus because he wouldn’t want them to be uncomfortable but, even with McKinnon or Lily, the topic never came up.

It's weird to think about it from an outsider point of view. Because when you see someone like James Potter you instantly think that his heart is full of love. And it is. But this love is for his parents, his friends (and he has a lot of them) or his pets. He loves his guitar and music and sport. He loves the telenovela he watches every evening and he loves running around the park. His heart is big and full of all the things that make his life what it is. How could he not be in love? It’s only logical at this point, for him to share this love with someone.
At least, that’s what Regulus thinks. That’s what he’d want to do if his heart could love like James’ do. But his heart is small and shy and he has trouble letting people in. He likes writing and thinking about love. He likes his friends and his brother. He likes watching old teen movies and petting cats in the street. He likes a lot of things, when you think about it. But he rarely loves. He’s a bit jealous of James for that, really. Life would certainly be easier on his brain if he could love.

“It’s a valid reason for not wanting to kiss people,” says Peter, nodding along. “You shouldn’t force yourself.”

“Peter is right. But you’re sure you’ll never want to kiss anyone?” Lily comes back in the conversation, not losing sight of her goal, apparently. “What if someone had a crush on you and wanted to kiss you?”

“Well… I don’t know,” James frowns a bit and pushes his glasses up his nose. He put down the cheese at some point but still holds the little knight in his hand, turning it between his fingers.

“Would you kiss them? Just to be sure?”

“No, that’s a dick move,” and he sounds really serious about that. At least it’s good to know he’s a gentleman. “I don’t kiss people just to know if I want to kiss them!”

“Why are you all tormenting my best friend?” Sirius finally realized that something more interesting than his monologue about astrology was happening and he sits down next to James, draping an arm around his shoulder in a protective way. Ugh, clingy arsehole. Sybill joins the group too, looking very concerned about the game of chess. Everyone forgot about it as they start bickering on who is James’ true and only best friend. They’re all chattering like old people bargaining at a yard sale while Sybill thoughtfully moves the pieces around the board. No one pays attention to her except for Regulus and Remus. He knows that because they share a look when she wins the game for James. How she did it is a mystery, thought. No one could have saved this. But she did.

By the end of the night, Regulus still doesn’t know if James is a boys kisser. But it’s okay because he doesn’t know either. And neither of them is interested in finding out. James doesn’t care about it and Regulus is glad that he can pursue his fictional fairytale on his own. On the way back to Dorcas and Marlene’s flat he watches them as they idly walk with their hands intertwined. It’s late and there’s nobody else in the street. Still, they talk with their head closes and their smiles are reserved for each other. He’s the only one witnessing their love. Him and the stars.
As soon as they’re home, he gets his journal and start writing. It’s stupid, really, but the inspiration keeps coming and coming and coming and by the time he’s too tired to think anymore, it’s already morning. The sun gently grazes against his face and his vision’s a bit blurry. Maybe he should get his eyes checked. His hand shakes and he’s got a bump on his finger because of how much he wrote. But he’s glad. Because he’s sure James will love the song he wrote. The others, too, obviously, but he didn’t write it thinking about them. He wrote it for James.

So, before going to sleep, he gets his phones and records himself singing the lyrics with the melody he had thought of. It’s a bit awkward because he has no instrument here; the keyboard he uses is still at James’ place. So it’s only him and his voice. And the birds chirping outside the window. But he doesn’t care.

“Here. I wrote a song. Good night. RAB. :)”

He wasn’t sure of putting a smiley in his text but he’s tired and needs to sleep so he sends it just like that. And he hopes James will like this song, because he put a bit of himself in it.

That song is so fucking good!

When James woke up this morning, he had a headache and his stomach was a bit upset. He shouldn’t have eaten all that cheese; he knows damn well that he’s not a good match with dairy. But he loves playing dumb games with his friends too much! Anyway, he stayed the night at Sirius’ and woke up on the couch with a migraine and a notification on his phone. Not really surprising. Except it was an audio from… Regulus?

“Here. I wrote a song. Good night. RAB. :)”

Received at six this morning. A roughly four minutes audio of Regulus singing. James already knew how his voice sounded but there was something really special there. Maybe in the way his tiredness made him slur some of the words or how his French accent came out stronger than usual. Or was it because he received it so early and there were barely any sounds outside, making him feel like Regulus’ voice took all the space in the world for four minutes? And fuck, the song is so good! It’s their ticket for the next round, he’s sure of it. They’ll have to work on it, of course, but it’s a pure banger as they say.

It's a love song, because Regulus loves writing love songs, but there’s something else. James can’t quite put his finger on what makes this song so special but it’s there. It’s undeniable. Maybe it’s because of Regulus’ voice or the melody James already thought for it but… Yeah. It might be one of the best songs he ever heard.
The band they’ve been paired with stands no chance against them. Not with this song. James never heard of them before they received the text from the Battle. They’ve been randomly put against them and they have to submit a song by the end of the week.
The Marauders have been kind of struggling with it, to be honest. It’s always kind of awkward when they meet to work on their music. James still feels guilty about what he did to Regulus and Regulus tries to be nice to James but it just makes him feel even more guilty and they’re stuck in a loop. But they’ve been making progress. On the friends front, not the music one.
They do small talk and they learn about each other in between intense writing sessions. At the end of every meeting, Sirius always says he’s not satisfied and throws a bit of a fit. So, they’re left with no song but James now knows that Regulus likes his coffee with a lot of milk in it and he started smoking when he was fifteen. They’re learning about each other, one fun fact at the time. And now, they have a song. Thanks to Regulus’ genius mind. No wonder he was accepted in some prestigious school in France. James could bet every single university in the world would be really proud to get him. But they’re the lucky bastards who got him until the end of the competition!

By the time Remus and Sirius get up, James already knows the song almost by heart. He’s been listening to it on loop, strumming along with his guitar. He thought of titles but it’ll have to be a choice coming from the whole band. He’s sitting on the floor of Sirius’ living room and sings softly, trying to keep Regulus’ voice in his head alongside his own. It’s a bit tricky so he put his phone on his shoulder and keeps it there by pressing his cheek against his. He tried singing alone but it wasn’t the same. Still, he recorded himself and sent it to Regulus. To show how the tune sounded with an instrument.

“best song I ever heard!!!!!!!! Here with some guirta! hope it sounds good:p”

Regulus saw it but didn’t answer. At least he opened the text a few seconds after James sent it. It’s a victory in his book. They’ll be good acquaintances by the end of the summer! As long as James doesn’t fuck it up. He’s doing his best, currently. And it must be working because not once Regulus seemed angry with him. They’re just awkward. It’s better than coldness or resentment. Maybe they should really talk about everything that happened but none of them is really ready for it. They mended what needed mending for the moment and it works like that.

“New song idea?” asks Remus, sitting down next to him. He’s wearing one of Sirius’ shirts and it looks a bit silly on him since Remus is the tallest of them. The twenty centimetres difference is visible here, just like his stomach. But he doesn’t seem to mind.

“Yeah. Regulus sent it,” he nods towards his phone but feels shy about letting Remus listening to the audio. It feels personal. Regulus sent it to him and only him so it would be kind of a betrayal to let other people hear it. Even if the other people in question are his brother and his brother’s boyfriend. And their bandmates. But still. So, instead, he sings it for them.

“Wow, that’s fucking good,” exclaims Sirius, who is sipping on a black coffee and, just like his boyfriend, wearing a t-shirt that doesn’t fit him. At all.

“I know, right! That’s what I said! We have to use it for the Battle!”

“Obviously!”

“We don’t have time to start from scratch anymore, anyway. It’s either this one or the other,” points Remus, still a bit tired from the day before.

“This one!” say Sirius and James at the same time. They truly share one braincell. It makes them both laugh and smile to each other, just like when they were younger.

“Right. I’ll ask Regulus when he’s free to meet. I have work this afternoon, thought,” as always, Remus is a man of action. Always in motion. You might be fooled with his calm demeanour and quiet appearance but his mind is always going from one thing to another. His schedule is often packed. As he gets up to put away his mug and get ready, Sirius follows him. James can see him catch the hem of Remus’ t-shirt with a pout on his face as they disappear into the kitchen.

Seeing them so comfortable with each other makes James think about last night’s conversation. He never really thought about kissing boys, or anyone for that matter. He grew up seeing his parents madly in love with each other and just thought it was that easy to find his soulmate. Love was all around him all the time. He loved his mum and his dad and their cats and he loved Marlene and Peter and his neighbours and the beach. He truly loved everything and everyone. He thought it was normal.
So, when he met Lily, he convinced himself it was love. After all, she was the prettiest girl in their grade, to his eyes, and she was nice and funny and she had a fierce temper, just like his mum. She didn’t let anyone walk over her and was really, really smart. James was eleven and firmly believe they would get married one day.
And that was even before he knew her better. As they grew up and closer, as they became real friends, he found many more things to love about her. She was exceptional. She loved arts and history and always had fun facts about everything. She could recognize any type of architecture and he liked listening to her talk about stuff she was passionate about for hours. He asked her out for the first time when they were fourteen. His palms were sweating and his voice cracked. Mary and Marlene were sitting right next to Lily and snickered at him but she still said yes.
They went on a date around the grounds of the school. They walked to the lake in silence and he tried to hold her hand but failed miserably. Every single one of their friends watched them from afar, betting on what would happen next. Still, James refused to lose his soulmate like that. So, he tried harder and Lily went along.

Finally, a few weeks before his fifteenth birthday, they kissed. And it was horrendous. Too much tongue and lips and teeth and everything. And he felt nothing. They were boyfriend-girlfriend. They were holding hands in the hallways and he always accompanied her to her curricular activities, holding her books. He was a gentleman. He was in love! It was supposed to work! But he felt nothing.
One bad kiss was all it took for James to stop believing so helplessly in love. Or, at least, in romance. Maybe he simply wasn’t made for that. So, they broke up. He felt sad about it because it gave him the impression of losing a part of himself. Who was he if he wasn’t in love with Lily? But after a few days of sulking, everything went back to normal. Except he wasn’t pursuing her everywhere anymore. They were only friends and it was better for both of them.

And ever since, James never really thought about romance. He had too many things to think about, anyway. He had to take care of Sirius and Remus. He had to make sure Peter never felt left alone or sad. He had to stay in shape and think about his future. He worked hard everyday so he could become someone one day. And while everyone around him discovered love and romance, he stayed on the outside. He didn’t care too much about it. He was too happy for them to feel sad for himself.
He knows that some people never need love in their lives but he doesn’t think he’s like that. Because he still believes he’ll find his life partner one day. He’s just not looking for them for the moment. And maybe it’ll be a boy. Or it’ll be a girl. As long as he feels good with them, it doesn’t matter. Maybe he’ll stay forever the token straight friend.
To be fair, he was really oblivious about Pete and Benjy’s relationship… And he didn’t see Lily and Mary’s couple coming. He sort of knew about Marlene’s feelings for Dorcas but never thought if they were reciprocated or not. And he only found out about Sirius and Remus because they’re really bad at hiding it and he saw them making out more than once on their flat’s couch. Who knows what other relationships he missed because he’s so ignorant about them? Maybe all of Regulus’ love poems are about his boyfriend? He never really thought about it but it would make sense, really.
Well, it’s none of his business! Regulus already told him to not be nosy and James intends to keep his words. He shouldn’t even think about this. He surely wouldn’t like for other people to pry about his personal life…

After a while, Remus and Sirius comes back. They’re still glued to each other, enjoying the fact that James knows about them to be as clingy as they want. He can’t be mad at them because he understands how hard it might be for them to not be able to love each other in the open. He’s still not sure of why they decided to keep it a secret but he won’t ask. It’s something only them can chose to share.
Anyway, they figured out they could all meet at James ad Remus’ place tonight to work on the song. They’re on a stretch and it would be better to not waste any time anymore. Regulus apparently said it was alright for him and James is a bit jealous that he answered Remus’ text but not his… He can’t help but pout a bit as his friends get dressed.

“Well, what do you want to do this afternoon?” asks Sirius after Remus left the flat, leaving them alone. It’s been a while since they had time to spend together. Usually, Sirius is busy dealing with his brother or snogging his boyfriend or being annoying at the records store.

“Please don’t tell me you have anything planned because I’m free and it’ll probably break my heart if we can’t hang out together,” James can’t help but whine, looking at his friend with big, pleading eyes.

“Prongs, Jamester, mate, my brother, my blood. I’m all yours until tonight!”

“Swear?”

“I swear!” Sirius offers him his pinkie and James wraps his around. They share a glance and then kiss their hands in a same manner. It’s a thing they’ve been doing since they met, all those years ago. Maybe James didn’t find his romantic soulmate yet but he found Sirius and it’s enough for him. Of course, he loves all of his friends with all his heart. He’d take a bullet for each one of them. He would never be able to chose between two if someone asked him. But his relationship with Sirius is even more than that. He’s his brother. He instantly knew, the minute he saw him standing in the middle of the room that first day at boarding school.

Sirius was fucking cool with his mismatched uniform and his long hair (not as long as it currently is but already pretty long in James’ opinion). He had already put posters on the wall and declared one of the two top bunkbeds as his. They quickly bonded because they both liked basketball and Marc Bolan. Sirius talked a lot about his little brother and James felt jealous because he was an only child and always dreamed about having a sibling. Sure, he liked to think of Marlene and Peter as such but, at the end of the day, they already had other siblings and other parents. Remus shared a bit of his feelings on the matter but only because he thought his life would’ve been easier if he had someone by his side. James’ wishes of a brother were purely selfish. He wanted a playmate, always there to share his joys. Someone who would train for the basketball league on Christmas’ eve.
But he found that someone in Sirius. Because at school, he wasn’t a rich heir or a big brother. He was simply Sirius. And he liked that. So they became closer and closer and closer. And the year after that, when Regulus came into the picture, James thought they could be brothers all together. It didn’t happen because Regulus hated him from the get-go. He didn’t even shake his hand or looked in his direction. And you know the rest… Years of trying and pushing boundaries. Years of pestering and nagging and then nothing else anymore.

When Sirius moved in, James felt sadder than he thought he would. Because he knew the circumstances were unfair and he knew Sirius wanted his brother there with him too. He wanted Regulus but Regulus didn’t want him. At the time, James felt a bit of guilt. As if it was his fault. Maybe if he hadn’t wished to have a brother, Regulus would still feel like Sirius’.

Of course, now he knows it doesn’t work like that and it wasn’t his fault but Sirius and Regulus’ parents’. And he still feels like Sirius was born to be his brother, in some sort of cosmic poetry. They were made to be together as the two sides of a coin. Like the birds belong in the sky or flowers belong with butterflies. They could exist without each other but the world wouldn’t be the same.

“It’s a nice day out, why don’t we go to the music shop? I wanted to get a look at the instruments they got last week,” Sirius’ voice brings James back to earth. He’s looking at the window, still finishing his coffee.

“Sure. I’d like to pass by Alice’s. She received new kicks for me!”

“Nice!” Sirius offers him a thumbs up and downs the rest of his mug before disappearing into his bedroom to pick an outfit for the day. James makes a detour by the bathroom to wash his face and his teeth before putting on the clothes he wore yesterday. They’re still quite clean and don’t smell at all so it must be alright. He puts on some deodorant to be sure and then waits for Sirius, cleaning up the living room and the kitchen.

As they get ready to head out, James thinks about Regulus’ new song. It doesn’t leave his mind for the rest of the day, even when Sirius tries a new bass at the music shop or when Alice shows them the new sneaker collection her store just received. The melody and the voice keep his company all afternoon and it’s not unpleasant. Because it’s such a good song.